-
Re: The Reason (part two)
Hey there! Jasleen yelled as she pushed to wake up a tired Ariana Ariana says as she checks the clock You switch tenses here, from past to present. As the ...
Apr 21, 2008 -
Re: How You Break My Heart (Chapter 7)
Aw, a very cute ending. Summed it up nicely. “What about then Rosa got married? What about the day you left us?” 'then' should be 'when'. Also, this is a ...
Apr 21, 2008 -
Re: {Untitled}
Hello there and welcome to YWS. We have a rule here that you have to critique at least two works before you post your own. I also suggest that you ...
Apr 20, 2008 -
Re: My Melody (prologue)
Hi there! This was an interesting start and no, you didn't bore me to death. I was intrigued to know what was going on and I liked the idea of ...
Apr 20, 2008 -
Re: October Afternoons
Hey there! I liked elements of this but it doesn't seem.....satisfying. I want more. I want there to have been more of everything: description, emotion, facts, memories. Life. A couple ...
Apr 19, 2008 -
Re: Praying With No Faith
Hello there. Right, I did enjoy this piece and I liked the second person narrative. It could have worked in 1st or 2nd as well.....I don't think it really changes ...
Apr 19, 2008 -
Re: Promises Not Kept (Part Three of Three)
Hey, the final part! I don't think the ending is as weak as you believe it to be. I didn't cry so maybe that needs to become your goal. To ...
Apr 19, 2008 -
Re: The Gate of Glendon- Chapters 3 & 4
Hi Rosie, sorry that this one took so long to get round to doing - I was beyond busy yesterday and every time I went to reply to this I ...
Apr 19, 2008 -
Re: The Gate of Glendon- Chapters 1 & 2
Hey Rosie! These two chapters were a lot better than the prologue and I found the story a little more enticing. The mansion in which Carrie lived was out of ...
Apr 17, 2008 -
Re: The Gate of Glendon- Prologue
OK, so you asked me for a critique and here I am! Now, it won't be in-depth as so many other people have pointed out the major and some of ...
Apr 17, 2008 -
Re: Promises Not Kept (Part Two of Three)
Heya, another good part to what is an intriguing and well thought out story. I'm really enjoying this. A few things that I caught: I think we should ask people ...
Apr 17, 2008 -
Re: Voices of Dusk
Hey Mark, a good start. It is borderline cliche and I think that your overall tone of the piece and the way in which the characters talk is what makes ...
Apr 16, 2008 -
Re: Promises Not Kept (Part One of Three)
Hey there JFW! I agree that your title is a bit...lacking. It's not easy to get a title that works well straight away and stick to it, especially when you ...
Apr 16, 2008 -
Re: Laurel's Lament
Hey there. This had a lot of good elements to it and you write very competently, with a good strong narrative. I would be named something nice and pretty, like ...
Apr 15, 2008 -
Re: Sirens' Symphony *Edited 2nd May*
Hey Heather. I really enjoyed this and can see it working well as part of a musical. In fact, I can hear the tune in my head as I read ...
Apr 15, 2008