Aisho

Clear ly [s]that[/s] he could not be wavered in any situation. But [s]like the[/s] with skin had never seen the sun. But not like an[s]d[/s] elder. It gleamed with lines ...

VERY good. :D I loved the interaction between Brad and Kiera! "Sorry I was so abrupt. Yes it is a pleasant evening. I need to talk to you." This is ...

I feel as if you're on a precipice--a little more, and this would be an AWESOME read. What stopped me from truly enjoying it were three things: the amazingly abrupt ...

In the beginning you write that she has no friends, but a few paragraphs later you state that Carmen has become one of her close friends. This sort of contradiction ...

Your writing has a very good flow to it, but you tend to halt that flow with unnecessary wording. There's several points where the sentences could be far more condensed. ...

I am a HUGE fan of teenage drama/romances, primarily because you can stay removed from all the drama but still get in on the action. So let's begin this by ...

You have a good sense of what the world is supposed to look like, which makes it far easier to read, but in several instances you began reusing words you'd ...

I quite liked the world you've begun to set up; it's very Hollywood. I would like to point out that a little more attention should be paid to your formatting--there's ...

I enjoyed it immensely; I have a soft spot for vague characterizations. Quite possibly my only problem with the entire piece was that you tended to make your sentences very ...