-KayJuran-

A few corrections can be made with punctuation - for example, there are some places where you need a semi-colon instead of a comma. I haven't quoted everything, but here ...

Note: This chapter is being renamed. It is now chapter III, rather than chapter II, since I split the first chapter into seperate chapters. I'll be working on editing this ...

Thank you!! :P I can't wait to see what happens next! Oh, and if you're looking back on this, and thinking how it's worse than what you can write now, ...

Chapter I The burning oil lamps gave off a faint smell of sweet jasmine that hung like a thick fog in the air. The room was plainly furnished; although the ...

Thanks for the comments everyone. Grif, you're right - everything is definately happening too fast at the moment. I was sorta surprised no-one else had mentioned that yet. Probably should ...

Any suggestions? Need to find some other way of saying it that makes sense... Hmm...

Thanks for the comments, CL and Fire. I agree with the consistency thing so I'll definately have to work on Samal, and work out what he'd say in these situations...

Thanks for the critiques adam, CL and Fire :P um.. quote from Wiktionary: Intransitive verb to start (started, starting) To begin an activity. (The rain started at 9:00.) To jerk ...

There's something else I've noticed as well. The color was back in her cheeks ^ Here you've used the american spelling, while nearer to the beginning i think and again ...

i agree with ^ speech marks definately needed here, rather than italics but besides that the plot was good. waiting to read more..! :wink:

i recognize the name serafina. was it you that used it or do i know it from somewhere else??

wow! this is brilliant - it really drew me in and i haven't been able to find anything that hasn't already been covered. um i didn't get the names thing...(?)

woo that's the name of my road good lyric i really like this line Coming home along the Abbey Road hmm... i wonder why... :wink:

He had reached the top of the tower, started as he opened the door. is the word started supposed to be stared or startled or what? I got lost for ...

pens are annoying - somehow i always end up with ink all over my hands after school... :S