Young Writers Society

This is the Prologue of my novel called 'Nature's Elements'. Hope you like it! I know, I know. It's very small...but please read and review. When you finish reading this story, please try not to think that the Nymphs are cockroach babies.

Prologue: The meeting of the Old Ones

The Old Ones sat on the long stone benches that circled the meditation chamber. The meditation chamber was a large room and it was beautiful. The walls were white as pearls and with some closer inspection actually contained tiny pearls. They had large murals painted by a lot of great celestial artists. There were two doors in the room. There was a door in the front of the room. It was large with small orange stones. The old ones used the doors a lot. Well, technically, they did need to get In and to get out. The only fact was there was another set of doors at the back of the room. These doors were large. They had ornate symbols carved on to it with great perfection. The Old Ones didn’t use these doors. They were meant only for the great Seer. That was, if he ever showed himself. The Meditation chamber originally belonged to the Seer. For the Seer, to…well, meditate. But the Seer had disappeared and hadn’t come back yet and it didn’t really seem like he was going to come back and use this place anytime soon so the Old Ones had started using the room to hold their meetings and to argue about certain things. There was another thing to say about this place. It was old and so were the people in the room.

Their long pearl-colored robes whipped in the small breeze. Some of them had grey hair that was almost falling off. Some didn’t even have hair. But right now, they weren’t concentrating about their hair. They were having a great discussion. A great discussion about the Nymphs.

“The world is going to die, if the Seer doesn’t choose soon!” said one of the Old Ones, a short humanoid figure with small green spikes running through his back. He had a very squeaky voice which kind of irritated the older ones. But even they couldn’t blame him. He was only nine-hundred years old! He could almost be a child compared to the ages of some of the older ones.

“We must make him listen to us!” said another of the younger ones.

“But we can’t! That is the problem! He never shows himself to us. We have never seen him for the last thirteen years. He simply…disappeared.”

“Well, we have never really tried, have we? When we don’t really need him, he’s always there. Now that we need him to tell us the chosen ones, so that we know where they are, he’s simple vanished! We need the five nymphs to know and to stay together if they want to protect the Corex stone, you know. Only if they stay together, will their powers become stronger. It is a good thing really, that they all have powers over nature.” said another of them.

“I am afraid that that is not going to be happening for a little while. You see, the forests are dying. Those idiot humans are becoming a nuisance. They are cutting down the beautiful forests we have generously created for them and how did they thank us? By cutting them down. I hope that the Nymphs (if the Seer makes up his mind) teach them a lesson and show them how much they lost when they know who they are.” This came from Laura, one of the Old Ones that talked a lot and had a very bad temper. There was a murmur of agreement when she said this. A lot of people agreed with her. That is of course, if you called them people.

Suddenly a member called out “Look over there!” and pointed in the direction of the old large wooden doors that stood at the back of the meditation chamber.

There was a rustling sound as the Old Ones turned to see what one of their members was talking about. The door slowly opened and revealed the Seer dressed in the rich red and gold and silver robe of the Seers.
There was a gasp as everyone took in what they were seeing. They couldn’t really believe their eyes. The Seer had returned. Nobody said anything and there was a deathly silence in the room. This was a kind of magical moment when no one wanted to talk but stare and stare. Until, of course Laura spoiled it all.

“WHERE WERE YOU?!” she shrieked.

“I don’t always have to stay here. I am the Seer. I can go whenever and wherever I want and no one can stop me.” He replied smoothly and with a smirk, that he made sure was clearly visible, on his face.

“But you don’t deserve to be. Isn’t that right, brothers and sisters?” She asked loudly. There was a murmur of agreement. This wiped the smile off the Seer’s face.

“The last time I was here, I had noticed that I had been the one in charge. When I went or seemingly disappeared did all that change?” He asked quietly. “Do not be afraid to answer.” He added.

When no one answered he smiled and asked everyone “Do you have anything to ask me?” This had been the chance everyone had been waiting for. Everyone rammed him with questions and he answered briefly and not always satisfied the asker. But Laura just stood on the floor and crossed her arms and sulked. When everyone had finished asking the Seer questions, he stood up and everyone sat down except Laura.

“Do you have anything to ask me, Laura?” He asked.

“Where have you been?”

“That isn’t any of your business.”

“Are you leaving us again?”

“Yes.”

“Anytime soon?”

“Yes.”

“Where are the five Nymphs?”

“You should really know one thing. There are actually five of them. Anyways, they somehow got scattered.”

“WHAT?!”

“I told you, they got scattered!”

“But, who scattered them?”

“I don’t know who did it. But, I managed to find where they are but only the countries and the cities. Not the building in which they live in.”

“So, if someone wanted to join them, they wouldn’t know where to search first?”

“If they had brains, they would go looking for the one with the powers over darkness.”

“Why?”

“She is the easiest one to find. She has this kind of special power that helps her to find the other guardians before anyone else can. I found her. She lives in Manhattan, New York.”

Laura was quite surprised by this.

“Are you sure?” She asked. The Seer stood up.

“Yes.”

And with that, the Seer stood up and walked out of the room and didn’t come out into the room again for a very long time.

Hiya and welcome to YWS!
Okay, I really like the idea for your story and it's very well written. However there is something about it that doesn't quite flow. I think it is because you have just dived straight in, obviously you are very good writer and enthusiastic about your writing. Therefore you have just gone straight into the story, I personally would like more of a build up and more discription. Simply because everything happens so quickly and suddenly.
Okay so what I want to know is where is the story set? Who exactly is the Seer? Why do the older ones want to find the Nymphs? Also you need more description to create a clearer image in the readers head. When describing you should include: smell, sight, touch, taste and sound. This adds more depth to your writing and the reader can relate to it more easily.
Anyway, keep writing because you will do well! I'm just telling you these things to help. You have a fantastic idea that you can build on, and you are a great writer.
XxX

Hey! I agree with what easilyinspired said, and I have a couple of things to add.
1. Be careful of the expressions you use. You've created a grand fantasy scene, and then everyone says 'kind of' all the time. To me this felt like childish language which the old ones wouldn't use, and especially that the seer wouldn't use when making his big entrance. Also, a lot can be shown about a character by the way they talk. You have heaps of expression in your dialogue which is great! Just make sure each character speaks a little differently to the others, since real people don't all speak the same way.
2. Be careful of repeating yourself. There are a few instances where you have two sentences side-by-side which say the same thing and could be condensed into one sentence.
3. As easilyinspired said: give us a little more set up. Don't get me wrong, I love stories which jump straight into the action, and you've done that really well! I was just a little confused by the old building and old ones dressed in robes and alien species and things, which in the end turn out to be on planet Earth in the modern day. The whole time I assumed this was a fantasy story on another planet, so maybe establish the setting a little earlier so your reader doesn't get a shock at the end.
4. Great ideas and a really wonderful beginning to a story! You've set the scene well for so many other things to p later on, and that will keep readers interested. I love the strong characters coming through in your writing and the tension you've already built, even though it's only the prologue! Really well done!!

When you finish reading this story, please try not to think that the Nymphs are cockroach babies.

Oh, and I didn't think they were cockroach babies, don't worry.

-pigeon

Muharhar. Being your sister gives me full permission to char-grill your story. it was simply awesome, except for a few points I've highlighted below...

vstarfirix wrote:There were two doors in the room. There was a door in the front of the room.

This feels a bit weird. Wouldn't 'There were two doors in the room, with one in front' sound better?

vstarfirix wrote:The Old Ones didn’t use these doors. They were meant only for the great Seer. That was, if he ever showed himself. The Meditation chamber originally belonged to the Seer. For the Seer, to…well, meditate.

First you have a lot of chopped up, tinny sentences. They you end it and give us this Big Whopper of a sentence...

vstarfirix wrote: But the Seer had disappeared and hadn’t come back yet and it didn’t really seem like he was going to come back and use this place anytime soon so the Old Ones had started using the room to hold their meetings and to argue about certain things.

Please don't do this.

vstarfirix wrote:Their long pearl-colored robes whipped in the small breeze. Some of them had grey hair that was almost falling off. Some didn’t even have hair. But right now, they weren’t concentrating about their hair. They were having a great discussion. A great discussion about the Nymphs.

And then you go and use your knife again. [whimpers]

vstarfirix wrote:“WHERE WERE YOU?!” she shrieked.

“I don’t always have to stay here. I am the Seer. I can go whenever and wherever I want and no one can stop me.” He replied smoothly and with a smirk, that he made sure was clearly visible, on his face.

“But you don’t deserve to be. Isn’t that right, brothers and sisters?” She asked loudly. There was a murmur of agreement. This wiped the smile off the Seer’s face.

“The last time I was here, I had noticed that I had been the one in charge. When I went or seemingly disappeared did all that change?” He asked quietly. “Do not be afraid to answer.” He added.

Both the Seer and Laura sound like they were the same person. Make the Seer a little more formal, if he is truly all-mighty and could do everything you said he could.

vstarfirix wrote:“Where have you been?”

“That isn’t any of your business.”

“Are you leaving us again?”

“Yes.”

“Anytime soon?”

“Yes.”

“Where are the five Nymphs?”

“You should really know one thing. There are actually five of them. Anyways, they somehow got scattered.”

“WHAT?!”

“I told you, they got scattered!”

“But, who scattered them?”

You really love that knife. Again, they sound far too much like each other. I don't sound like you (thank heaven) and you don't sound like me (thank the gods). So these two, being polar opposites, should sound different.

vstarfirix wrote:And with that, the Seer stood up and walked out of the room and didn’t come out into the room again for a very long time.

It should probably be 'didn't come back into the room'. Do look into that, okay?

I like the story, but you definitely need to work on your style. Lokk at the previous comments. They think so too.
Besides, welcome to YWS! [tosses cookie]
- Alexandra

O.K, so this is a good piece. Of course, like all works, (particularly mine) it can be improved. But, first I suggest putting the prologue and the other chapters you have into a novel. That way people can access it much quicker. They can also find chapters a lot easier. Here is a good explanation on how to make a novel:

How to make a novel

Also, here is something that explains what novels are better than I did:

What is a novel (includes video)

Alright now I will get down to your writing. I usually ramble so please bear with me. I will try to organize this in a normal way.

The first thing I noticed when I read the first few sentences is that you repeat things. Here are a few examples:

vstarfirix wrote:The Old Ones sat on the long stone benches that circled the meditation chamber. The meditation chamber was a large room and it was beautiful.

You don't need to repeat that it was the meditation chamber. Here is a way that doesn't repeat:

The Old Ones sat on the long stone benches that circled the large and beautiful meditation chamber.

vstarfirix wrote: The walls were white as pearls and with some closer inspection actually contained tiny pearls.

In this instance saying 'pearls' twice is a bad idea. It just doesn't sound right and it will make the reader think you couldn't come up with a better word. Even saying 'pearly white' would be better than saying white as pearls. I think this is a better way to write this sentence:

The walls were white, dotted with tiny pearls.

vstarfirix wrote:There were two doors in the room. There was a door in the front of the room.

For this last one you simply don't have to say there was a door in the front. Well, in my opinion. A better way to say this would be:

There were two doors, one in front one in back. The one in front... I know it still repeats, but I think it sounds better. I also left out 'the room' because you repeated it throughout the paragraph.

Now, about the first paragraph. I am afraid, it is a huge detail bomb. It completely threw me off from the main point. Now, even those these aren't the best in books, there are defiantly not something you want to put as the very first paragraph of a book. It rambles, it gives pointless details, and it gives too many details so that I am overloaded. By pointless I mean you might not want to include them in a prologue.

Because this is the beginning of your book it has to be strong. It has to capture your reader. It has to have energy. You have to promise that something amazing is going to happen. You should get the reader to ask questions. You have done the last one, but you have smothered those questions in details. Because your reader is concentration on what the room looks like they have no time to think about the great Seer. Another thing you might want to do is give your reader something to relate to.

Your beginning needs to do all this in under a few minutes of reading time. Maybe even a scan. People a fast quick moving, I know I would put this book down if I started to read about pearls and orange stones.

I am so sorry I couldn't make this longer, but I have to go. I do really like it no matter how harsh I am. I hoped I helped.

A. S.

P.S. I might review the next chapters later.

Hi Vstarfirix!

Rach here at last. I'll be off to review the next chapters too in a little bit.

First, though: your prologue! As you know, my reviews can get fairly long and rambly, so bear with me here.

I thought you did a whole lot of things right with this prologue. For one, where other writers might have written on and on about who the Nymphs were and the trouble in the World(s), all the while making it more like a textbook than a story, you brought us "in scene" (as a professor of mine called it). You put some of that information into the dialogue and gave it to us through characters, rather than just writing it at us.

Which is far more interesting to the reader than just brick-like paragraphs of straight information.

You also used humor to your advantage. The "of course"s and the comment about him "only" being nine hundred years and a few other lines made me smile.

Both of those things--the way you got the information to us, and the use of humor--makes me think you've got yourself a great set of storytelling instincts. The same goes for the way you built some of your sentences. Which all means, bundles up into one--you've got yourself a great writing voice.

The problem is, right now it's buried somewhat. But hey, that's what we're here for So keep putting the sentences together the way they sound right to you, and keep using humor and using other ways to get information out to the reader, butttt....

(Yeah, there's always a 'but' part. Sorry )

Others have already mentioned this, but the first thing that I wanted to say about this prologue here is that your first paragraph... it's too dang big! And I know I just said you did a good job of giving us the information in other ways... but the difference between that big ole first paragraph and the stuff in the dialogue is that the stuff in the dialogue is crucial to the plot.

Does the reader really need to know exactly what the meditation room looks like? Or just certain things about it? I'm thinking it's the latter case, so what'd I'd say to do is think about which of those details are important and which are just extra, and focus on the important ones. I'm guessing the door into the Seer's area is the most important, so why not just use that one?

Readers (especially of fantasy, as you probably know) love to use their imaginations, and that's an advantage to you as a writer, because in the end, who wants to spend all her time describing buildings and artwork when you could be writing the action scenes? Of course, the fact that readers like to use their imaginations means you now have to decide as a writer what details will help the reader and which ones will just rain on their parade.

Which is why I suggest going for just the most important details and leave it at that. You could probably cut that whole first paragraph down to two or three sentences.

So, I disagree with EasilyInspired: I don't think you need more description. This might be personal opinion, but less is more with description. It's about choosing the right details, not all of them. (But I do agree that you should remember to keep all the senses in mind when you do go about describing. Sight is only one of them.)

I also agree with everyone else about the dialogue. I like the fact that you use it to give us information, but it didn't always seem like old people were speaking. Some of them did sound like kids! I don't remember which of your previous reviewers said it, but every person does speak differently, and young people tend to talk differently than older people.

So, what I'd say for the dialogue--it's how they say it that's the problem here--is to imagine how you would say something if you were that old. You'd use different words and phrases. You'd use different types of sentences. You might keep referencing events from long, long ago to make your point--"This reminds me of that day back in..."-- So think of it that way. Give the reader the same information, just using different words.

Also keep in mind that these characters aren't speaking to the reader--they're speaking to each other. So everything they say doesn't need to make perfect sense to the reader. In fact, when the reader's slightly confused or curious, the reader'll want to turn the page and read on--and that's the most important thing for a prologue to accomplish.

Another thing that the other reviewers mentioned was the build-up until the end there. I personally liked the moment when you revealed that the Nymph lived in New York! Well, I was disappointed at first that it was New York (It's always New York, and I feel like all the other great cities are always neglected) but that's beside the point.

I too thought this was going to be strictly in a fantasy world, so the moment at the end was great. Also something you did really well: you didn't embellish it or make it unnecessarily fancy! Instead, Laura just asked if the Seer was sure, and instead of beating the reader over the head with the fact that she's in New York, you just ended the scene. So, well done.

But back to the build-up issue. I think if you take out some of those details that aren't necessary--and if you follow your sister's advise and combine some of your sentences--that build-up will just spring up. Because then the reader will suddenly be eavesdropping on this very important conversation. Readers are always nosy (just think of how many intimate romantic moments they alone get to witness!) so the eavesdropping element will only add to it.

And again, the reader doesn't need to understand everything at the prologue level.

Think of it like If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. If you give a reader a few bits of information, he or she is going to want more. And to get more, he or she will have to keep turning the page and reading onward and onward.

And... I think that's it for now! I have some more things to say, but they're general things so I'll put them in with your next chapter. For now... I think you've got enough to work on. Let me know if you have any questions or want me to explain anything more! Also, let me know if you post up a revision!

Thanks for the read!

Rach (and Ribbit)

I like the idea of your story. And the mystery of it! Most people have a problem with someone diving right in and not giving any explanation but I love it, it makes you think about what could have happened, why these things are happening.
A little more description could have been useful, more of what they saw, more of what the people looked like, the sounds of their voices, things like that but seriously, what do I know?
I am going to read the first chapter right now.

I'm seeing a lot of repetition here... Words used over and over. Lot's of 'was', which makes your writing kind of passive, and makes it harder to get involved in. Also, things phrased so that they're awkward or wordy.

You kind of flood us with details, in the first paragraph especially. I would join some of those sentences together and make them fit together more smoothly... Maybe take out some of the unnecessary information, or distribute it more gradually.

When I say unnecessary, I mean things like this:
"The old ones used the doors a lot. Well, technically, they did need to get In and to get out." Generally, people do use doors a lot. So you don't really need this.

"It was old and so were the people in the room." We already know that the people are old, because you've been calling them the old ones. So this is kind of unnecessary as well.

"For the Seer, to…well, meditate. But the Seer had disappeared and hadn’t come back yet and it didn’t really seem like he was going to come back and use this place anytime soon" This sounds like important information, which should be making the reader wonder about things. "Who is he? Where'd he go? How long has he been gone?" But you just kind of skim over it, and act like it's no big deal. Capitalize on the mystery of it, and start feeding us information to hook the reader.

"They are cutting down the beautiful forests we have generously created for them and how did they thank us? By cutting them down" Again, watch to make sure you're avoiding repetition. I would change this to something more like, "We so generously created the beautiful forests for them, and how do they thank us? By cutting them down."

“Where are the five Nymphs?” “You should really know one thing. There are actually five of them. Anyways, they somehow got scattered.” She knows there are five of them. She just said there were five of them.

I'm a little confused about the whole nymph situation. Had they been chosen already, or did the seer still have to do it? Would they be nymphs with or without the seer, except they just wouldn't know what they were? Why are they living in human cities if these old ones (who seem to be connected to the nymphs somehow) have a disdain for the humans? Earlier I would've said that the seer still had to pick them, but later on in the piece it sounds more like they've been together a long time, and have only just recently been scattered...

This piece is pretty rough, to be honest. It doesn't flow very well, I think your description should be a little more smooth... Your dialogue leaves something to be desired.

That said, I think this story has a lot of potential. I want to know where the seer has been, where he goes when he disappears, how is Laura connected to him, what are the nymphs like... And why do they have to protect this crystal, whatever it is?

It's a good start, but I think you still need to work on it some more.

Keep writing.