Can You See Me? (Chapter Five)

Like usual... I'm not too sure about this... it seems 'off' Also, I think this is going to be the last chapter I post of this on YWS. I don't want to crowd forums with my work!

Can You See Me? Chapter One/Prologue
Can You See Me? Chapter Two ~ Part One
Can You See Me? Chapter Two ~ Part Two
Can You See Me? Chapter Three
Can You See Me? Chapter Four


The alluring scent of freshly cooked bacon surrounded me as I slowly opened my tired eyes. There was an intense thumping feeling in my head but I was able to ignore it pretty easily. Sitting up in my bed, I glanced at the clock that hung on my bedroom wall. It was just gone seven o clock. Sighing heavily, I lifted myself out of my bed.
The smell of bacon was really strong now. I was about to reach for the handle on my door, when I realised something. I could hardly remember anything about last night. I remembered taking the bottle of vodka, seeing Alice and I could kind of remember sitting in my living room as well; but that was just about it. One thing I could remember clearly though was that I hadn’t seen, or spoken, to anything dead.
I couldn’t help but smile slightly as I realised this. My small smile was replaced by an extremely pleasured grin when I figured out that the reason for this was obvious; alcohol. As memories of last night came creeping back into my head, I felt amazing. For one night, I was actually normal. No voices from people who weren’t there, no dead older sisters. Nothing.
My happiness was cut short when I heard something behind me.
“Can you see me?” I heard a gentle voice suddenly speak.
Spinning around, I saw Annabel sitting on my bed. She was sitting in the exact same way as she was the first time I ever saw her.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” She said, unhappily. “What the hell were you thinking last night? Do you have any idea how worried Lisa was, and still is? Do you have any idea how worried I was? You were lucky that Alice found you, that’s for sure.”
After Annabel had finished speaking, I stared at her, my eyes wide. I’d never heard her speak like that before.
I didn’t know what to say, so I simply continued to stare. I wasn’t that drunk last night, was I? Okay, I had a headache, but I didn’t feel terrible. I finally managed to open my mouth.
“Uh... sorry,” I muttered. “You shouldn’t be so touchy.”
Annabel wasn’t really meant to hear the last bit, but she clearly did. Her brown eyes narrowed in annoyance at me. All girls were the same; dead or alive. They were all so sensitive about things.
Rolling my eyes at her reaction, I headed out of my room, closing the door behind me. Not that it would be able to keep Annabel locked in the room.
“Max?” Lisa spoke, literally the second I was at the bottom of the stairs. “Is that you?”
Is that you? Who did she think it would be? Simon Cowell? I sighed heavily as I realised how touchy I was being. Just be nice, I thought to myself.
As relaxed as I could possibly be, I strolled into the kitchen. The smell of bacon was overpowering now. The second Lisa saw me, a weak smile spread across her tired face. She really wasn’t a good actress.
“Do you want something to eat?” She began. “There’s some bacon and eggs cooking. I’m sure I can share with you.”
“No thanks,” I answered. “It’s already almost half seven, I need to get ready for school.”
As I spoke, my sisters’ fake smile disappeared completely. It was replaced by an expression of pure shock.
What had I done now? I wasn’t exaggerating; girls really were sensitive, weren’t they? Lisa quickly placed the frying pan she’d been holding back onto the kitchen counter.
“You’re not going to school.” She sounded dead serious.
I hadn’t been in school for two weeks now and to be honest, I actually missed the damn place. It was better than being stuck here with my sister. All she ever seemed to do nowadays was stare into space, or ask me if I was okay every five minutes.
I gritted my teeth, annoyed. She couldn’t keep me off school forever. I was sixteen, it was up to me what I did and didn’t do.
“Yes I am,” I said, looking Lisa in the eye.
“No Maxxie,” My sister said bluntly. “Not after last night. In fact, I want to talk to you about that.”
I was fed up of that by now; talking. It was all Lisa did anymore. We never went out anywhere, we just stayed in the house talking.
I was about to speak when I noticed a girl with long black hair sitting on the kitchen counter beside me. Great, now Annabel was here.
“Look, Damien and I have been talking,” Lisa began speaking again. “And we thought that maybe it would be good for you if you saw a therapist or something.”
I actually laughed at her suggestion. A therapist? I wasn’t going to talk to some random guy about my life, not in a million years.
Both Lisa and Annabel sighed at my reaction. I knew they were sisters and everything but they were freakishly similar. They even walked in the same way.
“She’s only trying to help.” Annabel said quietly.
I turned my attention to where she was sat. She looked rather annoyed with me, unsurprisingly. I felt my stomach turn slightly. Maybe I was being a bit mean to Lisa? I knew she meant well, but she really wasn’t helping.
“I think it’s a good idea,” Annabel shrugged. “You and I both know you’re struggling with all of this.”
I really wanted to say something to her, tell her that she was wrong. But I knew that if I did start speaking to her, I’d look like a complete nutter in front of Lisa.
“Fine,” Lisa sighed. “But you’re still not going to school.
Sheepishly nodding my head, I turned around and left the kitchen. There was no way I was staying home all day. Lisa would be on her way to work in ten minutes. I might be a bit late, but if I started getting ready after she’d gone, I’d make it into school fine.
I was lying on the sofa when Lisa announced to me that she was going to work. She smiled at me as she closed the front door, completely unaware of my plan. The second I heard her car exhaust, I jumped off the sofa and ran upstairs.
“You promised Lisa you wouldn’t go.” Annabel said, as I buttoned up my school shirt.
“I can’t stay stuck here for another day,” I said. “Besides, I never actually promised her.”
Annabel didn’t reply, she simply looked at me disapprovingly. I hated it when she looked at me like that. Even when I had my back to her, I could still sense her eyes observing me unhappily.
Grabbing my school bag that had been untouched for far too long, I headed down the stairs. As I reached the bottom step, Annabel appeared by the front door.
“I’ll be fine!” I almost growled at her. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
Her eyes were still narrowed into a pair of thin almonds. Honestly, she was worse than Lisa. If I needed a therapist, it was because of them, nothing to do with my parents.
Muttering something under my breath, I brushed past Annabel and reached for the front door. Locking it behind me, I walked along the pathway that led out of my front garden. The sun was warm on my skin as I closed the gate on the wall outside my house.
“Just...” Annabel said, suddenly beside me. “Just be careful, okay? If you don’t feel too good, make sure you come home.”
“Of course sister dear. And I feel fine.” I lied.
My head was still pounding, but I knew that if I mentioned that to Annabel, she’d somehow find a way to stop me from going to school.
Annabel nodded slowly before doing what she did best; vanishing. Glad she was gone, I breathed out heavily and carried on walking. When I was a few hundred yards away from the school, I realised how strange I was acting. I had quite literally fought to go to school. I mean, it was school for God’s sake.
Hesitating slightly as I reached for the handle of the main entrance, I observed the large building in front of me. It didn’t take me long to remember how much I actually hated school. You can’t turn back now, I thought to myself as I closed my eyes and opened the tall glass door.


Thanks in advance for any reviews,

xoxo Skins

Hi Skins. Here on request. So I will be highlighting the part I liked in green and the one which need correction in red with remarks ahead in bold.

Like usual... I'm not too sure about this... it seems 'off' Also, I think this is going to be the last chapter I post of this on YWS. I don't want to crowd forums with my work! hey dear you're not crowding YWS with your work. We 're enjoying it and you're improving..So double benefit. And yeah I also get points for those reviews.



The alluring scent of freshly cooked bacon surrounded me as I slowly opened my tired There's no problem but I think that you should use puffy or heavy instead. Your wish though! eyes. There was an intense thumping feeling in my head but I was able to ignore it pretty easily. Sitting up in my bed, I glanced at the clock that hung on my bedroom wall. It was just gone Use some other word seven o clock. Sighing heavily, I lifted myself out of my bed.

The smell of bacon was really strong now. I was about to reach for the handle on my door, when I realised something. I could hardly remember anything about last night. I remembered taking the bottle of vodka, seeing Alice and I could kind of remember sitting in my living room as well; but that was just about it. One thing I could remember clearly though was that I hadn’t seen, or spoken, to anything dead.

I couldn’t help but smile slightly as I realised this. My small smile was replaced by an extremely pleasured grin when I figured out that the reason for this was obvious; alcohol. As memories of last night came creeping back into my head, I felt amazing. For one night, I was actually normal. No voices from people who weren’t there, no dead older sisters. Nothing.

My happiness was cut short when I heard something behind me.

“Can you see me?” I heard a gentle voice suddenly speak.

Spinning around, I saw Annabel sitting on my bed. She was sitting in the exact same way as she was the first time I ever saw her.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” She said, unhappily. “What the hell were you thinking last night? Do you have any idea how worried Lisa was, and still is? Do you have any idea how worried I was? You were lucky that Alice found you, that’s for sure.no need of the last part according to me”

After Annabel had finished speaking, I stared at her, my eyes wide. I’d never heard her speak like that before.

I didn’t know what to say, so I simply continued to stare. I wasn’t that drunk last night, was I? Okay, I had a headache, but I didn’t feel terrible. I finally managed to open my mouth.

“Uh... sorry,” I muttered. “You shouldn’t be so touchy.”

Annabel wasn’t really meant to hear the last bit, but she clearly did. Her brown eyes narrowed in annoyance at me. All girls were are Girls are still present in world the same; dead or alive. They were all so sensitive about things.

Rolling my eyes at her reaction, I headed out of my room, closing the door behind me. Not that it would be able to keep Annabel locked in the room.

“Max?” Lisa spoke, literally the second I was at the bottom of the stairs. “Is that you?”

Is that you? Who did she think it would be? Simon Cowell? I sighed heavily as I realised how touchy rude I was being. Just be nice, I thought to myself.

As relaxed as I could possibly be, I strolled into the kitchen. The smell of bacon was overpowering now. The second Lisa saw me, a weak smile spread across her tired face. She really wasn’t a good actress.

“Do you want something to eat?” She began. “There’s some bacon and eggs cooking. I’m sure I can share with you.”

“No thanks,” I answered. “It’s already almost half seven, I need to get ready for school.”

As I spoke, my sisters’ fake smile disappeared completely. It was replaced by an expression of pure shock.

What had I done now? I wasn’t exaggerating; girls really were are sensitive, weren’t they? Lisa quickly placed the frying pan she’d been holding back onto the kitchen counter.

“You’re not going to school.” She sounded dead serious.

I hadn’t been in school for two weeks now and to be honest, I actually missed the damn place. It was better than being stuck here with my sister. All she ever seemed to do nowadays was stare into space, or ask me if I was okay every five minutes.

I gritted my teeth, annoyed. She couldn’t keep me off school forever. I was sixteen, it was up to me what I did and didn’t do do.

“Yes I am,” I said, looking Lisa in the eye.

“No Maxxie,” My sister said bluntly. “Not after last night. In fact, I want to talk to you about that.”

I was fed up of that by now; talking. It was all Lisa did anymore. We never went out anywhere, we just stayed in the house talking.

I was about to speak when I noticed a girl with long black hair sitting on the kitchen counter beside me. Great, now Annabel was here.

“Look, Damien and I have been talking,” Lisa began speaking again. “And we thought that maybe it would be good for you if you saw a therapist or something.”

I actually laughed at her suggestion. A therapist? I wasn’t going to talk to some random guy about my life, not in a million years.

Both Lisa and Annabel sighed at my reaction. I knew they were sisters and everything but they were freakishly similar. They even walked in the same way.

“She’s only trying to help.” Annabel said quietly.

I turned my attention to where she was sat sitting. She looked rather annoyed with me, unsurprisingly. I felt my stomach turn slightly. Maybe I was being a bit mean to Lisa? I knew she meant well, but she really wasn’t helping.

“I think it’s a good idea,” Annabel shrugged. “You and I both know what you’re struggling with all of this.”

I really wanted to say something to her, tell her that she was wrong. But I knew that if I did start speaking to her, I’d look like a complete nutter in front of Lisa.

“Fine,” Lisa sighed. “But you’re still not going to school.

Sheepishly nodding my head, I turned around and left the kitchen. There was no way I was staying home all day. Lisa would be on her way to work in ten minutes. I might be a bit late, but if I started getting ready after she’d gone, I’d make it into school fine.

I was lying on the sofa when Lisa announced to me that she was going to work. She smiled at me as she closed the front door, completely unaware of my plan. The second I heard her car exhaust, I jumped off the sofa and ran upstairs.

“You promised Lisa you wouldn’t go.” Annabel said, as I buttoned up my school shirt.

“I can’t stay stuck here for another day,” I said. “Besides, I never actually promised her.”

Annabel didn’t reply, she simply looked at me disapprovingly. I hated it when she looked at me like that. Even when I had my back to her, I could still sense her eyes observing me unhappily.

Grabbing my school bag that had been untouched for far too long, I headed down the stairs. As I reached the bottom step, Annabel appeared by the front door.

“I’ll be fine!” I almost growled at her. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Her eyes were still narrowed into a pair of thin almonds. Honestly, she was worse than Lisa. If I needed a therapist, it was because of them, nothing to do with my parents.

Muttering something under my breath, I brushed past Annabel and reached for the front door. Locking it behind me, I walked along the pathway that led out of my front garden. The sun was warm on my skin as I closed the gate on the wall outside my house.

“Just...” Annabel said, suddenly beside me. “Just be careful, okay? If you don’t feel too good, make sure you come home.”

“Of course sister dear. And I feel fine.” I lied.

My head was still pounding, but I knew that if I mentioned that to Annabel, she’d somehow find a way to stop me from going to school.

Annabel nodded slowly before doing what she did best; vanishing. Glad she was gone, I breathed out heavily and carried on walking. When I was a few hundred yards away from the school, I realised how strange I was acting. I had quite literally fought to go to school. I mean, it was school, for God’s sake.

Hesitating slightly as I reached for the handle of the main entrance, I observed the large building in front of me. It didn’t take me long to remember how much I actually hated school. You can’t turn back now, I thought to myself as I closed my eyes and opened the tall glass door.

Thanks in advance for any reviews, MY PLEASURE!

xoxo Skins

I am loving it dear. Please,please,please don't stop posting this work. Its really getting better every past chapter. I said I would highlight any thing I like with green so I couldn't stop myself from clicking on that green button.
Now as for the story, I must appreciate you for that more. Its very difficult to write from a boy's perspective whole time when you yourself are a girl. Hats off to you! Also, this was so funny. I was laughing half of the time. keep Writing and please ask for more reviews whenever you post anything.

SKIIINS! HI!

Skins wrote:The alluring scent of freshly cooked bacon surrounded me as I slowly opened my tired eyes.

Yum. Bacon.

Both Lisa and Annabel sighed at my reaction.

I love this part.

As for the rest, it's not bad at all! Sorry this is so short, but there really is nothing to critique. Your writing skills are as good as ever, and I can't wait to see what you do with this!

That is...if you post more of it.

You will post more won't you? You aren't flooding the forums at all!

-Knightley

Oh, and don't worry about requesting so many reviews from me. I don't mind. It's probably the only reason my thread is alive, anyways,

Hey Skins!

Wow, this chapter wasn't off at all! In fact, it was my favorite one yet! It didn't feel to rushed but it had just the right pacing. I like the protagonist a lot more now, as well. I am not going to pick at your grammar, but here are some things story wise I noticed:

Nitpicks

“What the hell were you thinking last night? Do you have any idea how worried Lisa was, and still is? Do you have any idea how worried I was? You were lucky that Alice found you, that’s for sure.”

Meh, I can't really ever see Annabel cursing. Like ever. I always took her as the calm but stern guardian type. You already pull off how distressed she is so I would drop that curse.

Yeah...that's the only thing I didn't like, really...

Plot and story progression:

This flowed very nicely and you transitioned very well from place to place. I'm not getting much sense of a conflict, though. It seems that the character is moving place to place. In a very well written way, but still. I would like some action, and I think some readers would agree with me.

Character development

Yay! I like the MC now! It took me a while, but she has really grown on me. It seems to me that she is whining less, which is good, because I don't like a whiner. Annabell is still my favorite with her mysterious quality. The other characters seem a little underdeveloped though. They just scream, "I'm an extra!" Give them some more pizazz!

OVERALL

You're good! You're good! You're really really good. *dances* This was well written and flowed nicely. You don't need to improve on that at all. (You make me jealous..) I'd say besides the internal conflict that the MC has, give her some external as well. I am aware that she just suffered a lot, but that isn't an obstacle really as it is in her past. Although it would affect her mentally of course. (Thus INTERNAL conflict) Give extra characters more pizazz. Overall, excellent. Post more, my huckleberry friend.

Hey Skins - I wasn't really sure how much time I'd have for a review, and I was almost about to tell you it might not be possible soon...but I thought I'd do your story some justice, and just write something broad and general, even if I didn't have time to go into really specific line-by-line details (which probably annoy you, anyway ).

Also, I think this is going to be the last chapter I post of this on YWS. I don't want to crowd forums with my work!

Firstly, I want to address what you said here. Do not be 'afraid' of crowding YWS forums with your work. When we critique it, everyone benefits - including those not involved int he process itself. So...don't feel bad about putting more chapters up - unless you REALLY don't feel like writing them; don't force them out, okay? Just let them come whenever they want to.

The Idea

I adored the idea behind this. Ghosts are always interesting, and from the very first time I read that first chapter/prologuey bit, I was entranced. I've often thought about it too - what would you do if the ghost of someone you knew well suddenly appeared beside you? However, I felt you did it little justice further on - I would have liked to have seen the story revolving around Anabel throughout a lot more - have her dancing in the classrooms, disrupting him. I felt a lot of the time the idea was really great, but the plot and characters were somewhat unrealistic, a little forced and awkward.

The Characters

Maxie (I honestly couldn't tell if that was a girl or a boy from the first chapter - this REALLY needs to be clearer; I only figured it out in the line 'Gay Boy' in some later chapter) is sweet when he was little - nothing too complicated, and I loved the scene with him in the classroom, just before he gets told to go with Miss Cheddar (oh, by the way, I really did not like that name - too cheesy for my liking (pardon the pun )). He appears casually lazy, sort of really blase and I-don't-really-give-a-damn kind of a character. But I found the jump from when he was little to the present too fast. I wondered what had become of his relationship with his dead sister in the meantime. Did he talk to her about stuff? Why would he consider her a 'protector' now that he's sixteen years old, and so offhandedly cool?

After the classroom scene, I didn't like Maxxie as much. He didn't react in the way a character of this kind should have - and in this way, it seemed forced, unrealistic. I think you should talk to people who've lost their parents, or go look it u on the internet - do some research. Most people would be chilled into a state of utter shock - unmoving - especially boys; who're unlikely to sob so easily and start running away like crazy. I would have expected his FIRST reaction to have been to look around for a ghost - in fact, I would have expected the next few chapters to have been about him hunting around for the ghost of his parents, with Annabel constantly telling him they're not there, and him refusing to believe her = denial (the first stage of grief). This would have flowed more smoothly.

We have not been shown his relationship with his parents. We do not know how he, as a sixteen year old, interacted with them. So, we find it hard to comprehend his depth of emotion. Plus, he's a guy, which makes that weirder. Even as a girl, I know my first reaction would probably be utter speechlessness - but of course, I understand that others may react differently.

And then he goes off and has some vodka. That was totally random - and it should have been something that happened later on, further into the book. It didn't do well for his character. Rather than being a stronger character, he came across as a blubbering, crying, pathetic, weak boy who could not keep up a face in public and had to resort to alcohol. Plus, we actually find out very little about his actual character from his relationship with Annabel.

On this note - who exactly is Annabel? What's her personality like? Of course, when he's young, you want to make her seem as the person 'watching over him' - like a godsister, kind of. But as he grows up to become OLDER than her, wouldn't their relationship change, especially as she, as a ghost would not grow any older? I'd expect she'd be a good playmate as they get to be the same age, and then she'd be a nagger, someone he'd try to ge away from, and then he'd sort of have some grudging respect, and then he'd just be plain pissed off with her like a normal moody teenager would - since she's so believable. I get the feeling that he is always subversive to her, that she is always watching over him. Which is really weird, since even I'd want my ghost sister to leave me alone once in a while.

Plot

I've already said that we need more exposition on the relationship of Annabel and the MC, and MC + parents for his actions to make more sense. Other than that, I'd probably say that the death occurs too fast for my liking. We first see him as a boy, looking up to his dead big sister. Then we jump to him as a teen in class. We need to know, somewhere along the line, what happened in the middle. Maybe while he's dozing off in class, we should be shown some flashbacks of what happened. And be less obvious about killing off the parents - 'car crash' is ridiculously cliche. Plus, sort out his reactions.

Overall

I'd recommend planning this out from start to finish. Then, write the chapters all out of order - don't worry about which you do first. Make a list, of sorts, of types of interactions and events (e.g. Annabel and MC when he first has a crush, them on his birthday, the whole family, sister included on an outing with a tone of sadness, Annabel and MC with Lisa in an amusement park or on vacation...make them up - as many as you can, and decide on what major aspect of their personality or relationship you want to convey...). Then, pick ones at random, and just write. Don't worry about overall structure - that can be sorted out later, as long as you've got a long term vision of where you want this to go, and have the little events to slot it.

If you don't feel like writing right now, and want to move onto fresher projects - I'd say go for it. This was just one experiment of many - of course, I'd love to see it through to the end, and so would you - but really, don't force it out just now. Or let it cool off for a while, mentally do a sort of plan, and while YOU are daydreaming in class, pretend to be one of the characters and talk to the other characters, pretend there's a setting, a time, an occasion, and just have a conversation with them - you'll end up changing it in your head every time - but who cares? Write them all - or none - whatever you feel like. And then, once you've got a long-term plan sorted for it, just write random sections of it. Make them stories unto themselves.

Good luck, and well done on such a brilliant idea!

Hey there Skins,

It's me, Tanya, back for a 5th review! Okay, first of all, I thought the flow of this chapter was great. It wasn't erratic or difficult to read, real easy on the eyes.

That being said, I completely agree with everything Navita said. Considering how she mentioned things that I've mentioned in previous reviews, I suggest you take a good look at it.

Maxxie -he's a boy everyone lol- is happy to realise that while drinking, he has seen no ghosts. Yay! One or two things to mention here: first, besides telling us that he saw ghosts as a child and seeing Annabel constantly, we haven't seen those ghosts. It would be great if you could add some 'seeings' in the previous chapters and he could show us how annoyed he is to be constantly invaded in his privacy. Second, it would be great if later on he could develop a problem (well, it wouldn't be great but you'll get what I mean) with alcohol:`whenever he's seen one too many ghosts, he starts drinking to escape him, which will worry his friends and family and so on. Well, just a suggestion.

As relaxed as I could possibly be, I strolled into the kitchen. The smell of bacon was overpowering now. The second Lisa saw me, a weak smile spread across her tired face. She really wasn’t a good actress.

Your reason to have written that part in bold escapes me. Why is she a terrible actress, cause she smiled? I thought the smile was natural. Her brother had gotten as drunk as a skunk and he was slightly touchy. She smiles weakly because she isn't sure what his reaction/mood will be. I think you should remove the last part, unless it's meant for something I'm just not getting here.

Another point is brought along. Lisa leaves for work by driving away. Hmm. Problem. In the previous chapters, Maxxie mentions that his sister is two years younger. So, since he's 16, it makes her 14 and she simply drives away to work? I don't know where you're from, but in Quebec Canada, the legal driving age is 16...

Which means that maybe, as with the names Sarah/Lisa, you changed her age. Well, I suggest you start by making a plan of your story before starting it. Maybe you assume that not everyone remembers the chapters, but I do, and it's confusing when you make these kind of changes. Maybe you could write a note before the next chapter saying *to remove all confusion, please note that I changed Lisa's name and age.* Ok?

Also, I don't know why Maxxie can't get to school, I think he needs some normalcy in his life. Is it because he made a fool out of himself, running away and crying and blubbering?

Anyway, that's basically it for this review. I am interested in this story but it needs some work. Would you pm me for the next chapter?

Tanya

Another question (annoying, aren't I?) Does anyone know that he 'sees dead people'? I mean, in every book or movie, there's usually a close friend or sidekick or someone who knows the MC very well. Maybe you could show that in previous transitional chapters, it might give us a good idea of his relationship with other characters...

Tanya

Thanks for the reviews guys, they are seriously helpful!

I agree with everything you're all saying as well. I'm definitely going to revise and fix what needs fixing! I especially agree with describing my MC's other experiences with ghosts. Although, in the next chapter, he is going to meet another one. That's where the conflict is going to begin. I think that I am definitely going to involve some more information about other ghosts as he's growing up though.

In the previous chapters, Maxxie mentions that his sister is two years younger. So, since he's 16, it makes her 14 and she simply drives away to work?

That's because you actually reviewed two chapter twos. The first one you reviewed was an old version that I'm not using anymore. The one with the baby brother and the show off sister? That's the old version. If you read the first chapter/prologue it mentions an older sister. That's Lisa. So I haven't actually changed the name and age throughout the story. I've just scrapped the old version.

Also, I don't know why Maxxie can't get to school, I think he needs some normalcy in his life. Is it because he made a fool out of himself, running away and crying and blubbering?

Partly because of that, but mostly because Lisa's pretty paranoid and she didn't want him going to school so suddenly after his parents death. Maxxie wants to go to school, it's just Lisa holding him back.

I would have expected the next few chapters to have been about him hunting around for the ghost of his parents, with Annabel constantly telling him they're not there

I am actually planning on doing this within the next to chapters after he meets another spirit. It gets him wondering about his parents still being earthbound.

But as he grows up to become OLDER than her, wouldn't their relationship change, especially as she, as a ghost would not grow any older?

Physically, Annabel doesn't age. Although mentally, she does. I'm going to explain this in more detail as the story goes on.

Once again, thanks for the reviews!

xoxo Skins

Skins wrote:The alluring scent of freshly cooked bacon surrounded me as I slowly opened my tired eyes. There was an intense thumping feeling in my head but I was able to ignore it pretty easily. Sitting up in my bed, I glanced at the clock that hung on my bedroom wall. It was just gone this doesn't make sense with the sentence. Maybe use past? seven o'clock. Sighing heavily, I lifted myself out of my bed.
The smell of bacon was really strong now. I was about to reach for the handle on my door, when I realised something. I could hardly remember anything about last night. I remembered taking the bottle of vodka, seeing Alice, and I could kind of remember sitting in my living room as well; but that was just about it. One thing I could remember clearly though was that I hadn’t seen, or spoken, to anything dead.
I couldn’t help but smile slightly as I realised this. My small smile was replaced by an extremely pleasured grin when I figured out that the reason for this was obvious; alcohol. As memories of last night came creeping back into my head, I felt amazing. For one night, I was actually normal. No voices from people who weren’t there, no dead older sisters. Nothing.
My happiness was cut short when I heard something behind me.
“Can you see me?” I heard a gentle voice suddenly speak.
Spinning around, I saw Annabel sitting on my bed. She was sitting in the exact same way as she was the first time I ever saw her.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” She said, unhappily. “What the hell were you thinking last night? Do you have any idea how worried Lisa was, and still is? Do you have any idea how worried I was? You were lucky that Alice found you, that’s for sure.”
After Annabel had finished speaking, I stared at her, my eyes wide. I’d never heard her speak like that before.
I didn’t know what to say, so I simply continued to stare. I wasn’t that drunk last night, was I? Okay, I had a headache, but I didn’t feel terrible. I finally managed to open my mouth.
“Uh... sorry,” I muttered. “You shouldn’t be so touchy.”
Annabel wasn’t really meant to hear the last bit, but she clearly did. Her brown eyes narrowed in annoyance at me. All girls were the same; dead or alive. They were all so sensitive about things.
Rolling my eyes at her reaction, I headed out of my room, closing the door behind me. Not that it would be able to keep Annabel locked in the room.Oh yes. Great sentence “Max?” Lisa spoke, literally the second I was at the bottom of the stairs. “Is that you?”
Is that you? Who did she think it would be? Simon Cowell? I sighed heavily as I realised how touchy I was being. Just be nice, I thought to myself.
As relaxed as I could possibly be, I strolled into the kitchen. The smell of bacon was overpowering now. The second Lisa saw me, a weak smile spread across her tired face. She really wasn’t a good actress.
“Do you want something to eat?” she since this is right after dialogue, and is not a noun, the s is lowercase. began. “There’s some bacon and eggs cooking. I’m sure I can share with you.”
“No thanks,” I answered. “It’s already almost half past seven, I need to get ready for school.”
As I spoke, my sisters’ fake smile disappeared completely. It was replaced by an expression of pure shock.
What had I done now? I wasn’t exaggerating; girls really were sensitive, weren’t they? Lisa quickly placed the frying pan she’d been holding back onto the kitchen counter.
“You’re not going to school.” she same as above. sounded dead serious.
I hadn’t been in school for two weeks now and to be honest, I actually missed the damn place. It was better than being stuck here with my sister. All she ever seemed to do nowadays was stare into space, or ask me if I was okay every five minutes.
I gritted my teeth, annoyed. She couldn’t keep me off school forever. I was sixteen, it was up to me what I did and didn’t do.
“Yes I am,” I said, looking Lisa in the eye.
“No Maxxie,” my sister said bluntly. “Not after last night. In fact, I want to talk to you about that.”
I was fed up of that by now; talking. It was all Lisa did anymore. We never went out anywhere, we just stayed in the house talking.
I was about to speak when I noticed a girl with long black hair sitting on the kitchen counter beside me. Great, now Annabel was here.
“Look, Damien and I have been talking,” Lisa began speaking again. “And we thought that maybe it would be good for you if you saw a therapist or something.”
I actually laughed at her suggestion. A therapist? I wasn’t going to talk to some random guy about my life, not in a million years.
Both Lisa and Annabel sighed at my reaction. I knew they were sisters and everything but they were freakishly similar. They even walked in the same way.
“She’s only trying to help.” Annabel said quietly.
I turned my attention to where she was sat. She looked rather annoyed with me, unsurprisingly. I felt my stomach turn slightly. Maybe I was being a bit mean to Lisa? I knew she meant well, but she really wasn’t helping.
“I think it’s a good idea,” Annabel shrugged. “You and I both know you’re struggling with all of this.”
I really wanted to say something to her, tell her that she was wrong. But I knew that if I did start speaking to her, I’d look like a complete nutter in front of Lisa.
“Fine,” Lisa sighed. “But you’re still not going to school.
Sheepishly nodding my head, I turned around and left the kitchen. There was no way I was staying home all day. Lisa would be on her way to work in ten minutes. I might be a bit late, but if I started getting ready after she’d gone, I’d make it into school fine.
I was lying on the sofa when Lisa announced to me that she was going to work. She smiled at me as she closed the front door, completely unaware of my plan. The second I heard her car exhaust, I jumped off the sofa and ran upstairs.
“You promised Lisa you wouldn’t go.” Annabel said, as I buttoned up my school shirt.
“I can’t stay stuck here for another day,” I just want to point out this is one of the exceptions to what I previously mentioned said. “Besides, I never actually promised her.”
Annabel didn’t reply, she simply looked at me disapprovingly. I hated it when she looked at me like that. Even when I had my back to her, I could still sense her eyes observing me unhappily.
Grabbing my school bag that had been untouched for far too long, I headed down the stairs. As I reached the bottom step, Annabel appeared by the front door.
“I’ll be fine!” I almost growled at her. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
Her eyes were still narrowed into a pair of thin almonds. Honestly, she was worse than Lisa. If I needed a therapist, it was because of them, nothing to do with my parents.
Muttering something under my breath, I brushed past Annabel and reached for the front door. Locking it behind me, I walked along the pathway that led out of my front garden. The sun was warm on my skin as I closed the gate on the wall outside my house.
“Just...” Annabel said, suddenly beside me. “Just be careful, okay? If you don’t feel too good, make sure you come home.”
“Of course sister dear. And I feel fine.” I lied.
My head was still pounding, but I knew that if I mentioned that to Annabel, she’d somehow find a way to stop me from going to school.
Annabel nodded slowly before doing what she did best; vanishing. Glad she was gone, I breathed out heavily and carried on walking. When I was a few hundred yards away from the school, I realised how strange I was acting. I had quite literally fought to go to school. I mean, it was school for God’s sake.
Hesitating slightly as I reached for the handle of the main entrance, I observed the large building in front of me. It didn’t take me long to remember how much I actually hated school. You can’t turn back now, I thought to myself as I closed my eyes and opened the tall glass door.

Nice chapter mate, I don't have time to write much more. Please post more of your story. 1. It doesn't clog the boards, and 2. It's a great workwhop opportunity.

Hey, Skins, here as requested.
Nitpicks:

It was just past seven o clock.

Her brown eyes narrowed in annoyance at me. Not needed

“Fine,” Lisa sighed. “But you’re still not going to school.”

Brilliant! Had me hooked from the start.
The only problem I have with this is I'm not sure where the plot is headed. The only thing it seems could happen from here is if Max goes to see a therapist. So... maybe the next chapter should include something helpful towards this, or otherwise the reader is going to lose interest, no matter how good your writing "skillz" are.
Thanks for the great read! Always a pleasure to review you.
-Maddy

Review five

I'm starting to like the humour in this. At first I got the impression that Maxxie was quite simple, but now he's starting to seem incredibly sarcastic. 'Simon Cowell.' Hehe.

Earlier on I said that you should really avoid -ing words. Now there's a lot of sentences that start with the letter 'I' which, like 'said' tends to fade into the background. That is until it's put at the start of every sentence. Just try playing around with different sentences and phrase them in as many different ways as you can. Once you work out a few different structures it gets easy to incorperate them into the rest of your writing.

This chapter seemed to end quite abruptly. Maxxie is argueing to get to school, and it seems like it should include what happens at school. Instead it just kind of finishes at the door. Maybe if you explained why Maxxie seemed so nervous you could create a little suspence, which would make the next chapter seem more exciting and make your reader want to carry on reading. That, after all, is your main goal.

Lastly, have a little faith in your own writing. If people are reading, then there's got to be something good in it.