Poison Love

Wow, it caught me. There is the mistake "abnormally clam" so just the spelling. I agree with the above comments and expanding a little. It was very good so far. And I'm guessing that Landon is her so-called father? That kind of confused me. Also, when you say, 'I re-tie his wrist back to the chair.' Shouldn't it be in past tense?
Another thing, 'I sighed in content and closed my eyes.' I think it should say, 'My happiness gave through with a sigh, while my eyes closed contentedly.' Or even, 'I sighed contentedly and closed my eyes.' Just some simple things. Great job, though. I am really looking forward to reading more.

Angel of Death:

I can understand, but i didn't want to explain everything in full detail, because this scene is in a future and i plan to go into a lot more detail with that, instead of this. i hope you understand.

CJeanne13:

the famil detail goes in a lot more if you read the other chapters. i suppose I better take out the father thing since it is confusing everyone or explain it better, but how?

and thanks for catching on the mistake. i will go back and look at those and see if i can fix everything that people have a problem with.

~edited..............again~

Prologue

The three of us, Adam, Landon, and myself were in the “turning room” as we so solemnly nickname it.

Not the strongest of lines to start. I prefer to start with a simple image or action, a short sentence. For instance, you could start off with:

The air was thick with tension.

Or some such.

Thinking about the whole thing and the nasty side effects made me tighten my grip on his hand.

What side effects? Are any long term? Expand here, and explain.


Landon stood to the side, waiting for my command.

I found it very appealing that my love wanted to be my mate and companion for my immortal life.

She found it appealing? It's too...impersonal. As if it's of no real matter, just a bonus. Like you find the idea of having an icecream on a hot day appealing.
She should be excited, worried, stressed, ecstatic, and wary all at the same time. Add some real emotion here.

"Yeah. Let's do it," he responded. He was abnormally clam for a human being change into an immortal creature of the night.

Calm. Changed.

"You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I said, looking into his face.

'looking into his face' could be replaced with something better. How about, 'searching his expression for a hint of regret or fear.' Or, I dunno. You could think of something, I'm sure.

"I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he said with compassion in his voice. I sighed in content and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. I opened my eyes at looked at him.

Show us. Did her heart speed up at the thought, did everything seem brighter? Did she flush?

“Untie one of my wrist for a sec, would you?” he requested. I did what he requested.

You could cut out 'I did what he requested' completely, and it will still make sense, more efficiently. It will also get rid of the double-up on the word 'requested'.

Overall, this is quite short, and I have no real overall impressions as of yet. I don't know where the plot is going, so I can't help you there.
It's interesting enough, and I would keep reading. But I can't really give you much advice at this stage- it's rather short, and I can't think of much to say, sorry. Maybe just describe things a little more, include all five senses. This is what separates books from movies- books can show you inside the character and out, transport you there with smell, taste, and touch as well as sight and sound. Movies have to rely on pictures, sound, and music.
Also, expand your characters a little more. Add some emotion. Show, don't tell.
But before I can tell you what I think of the plot, I have to read it first! ^^
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I'll be glad to help.

-Nutty

Prologue

The three of us, Adam, Landon, and myself were in the “turning room” as we so solemnly nickname it. Adam sat down in the chair and we bound him to it with black leather straps around his wrist and ankles. I stayed by his side as Landon, the one who changed me, readied for the transformation.

It should probably be nicknamed. And well it doesn't well flow right if you say solemnly nicknamed it. You could say called it. A nickname is usually in good humor. I think that also you should have I instead of myself. It would sound better.

"Are you ready, love?" I asked Adam, clutching his hand in fear. Landon was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. It was a painful process that lasted two or three days to complete, depending on the human being changed. Thinking about the whole thing and the nasty side effects made me tighten my grip on his hand. Landon stood to the side, waiting for my command. I found it very appealing that my love wanted to be my mate and companion for my immortal life.

Okay you need to use vary your diction. You call Andrew my love ltwice in one paragraph. You also mention that your clutching and have tightened you grip on his hand. Its already been said once, don't repeat it.

"Yeah. Let's do it," he responded. He was abnormally clam for a human being change into an immortal creature of the night.

Typo here, spelling mistake. Its would be calm instead of clam.

"You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I said, looking into his face.

I don't know, saying that you look in his face. Maybe you could say that you looked into his green/blue/brown/whatever color eyes. Perfect time to descibe him some.

"I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he said with compassion in his voice. I sighed in content and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. I opened my eyes at looked at him.

Humanize the charcter. Use some contraction. Have you heard most people sya I am. Most of the time they shorten it to I'm. Also, this line kinda sounds like it would come out of Twilight.

“Untie one of my wrist for a sec, would you?” he requested. I did what he requested. Immediately upon being released, he reached up with his free hand and tucked a lock of my black hair behind my ear. Sighing as he cupped my cheek, our eyes met. He knew then that it was time. Re-tying his wrist back to the chair, I glanced over at Landon and nodded to him to begin the process that would change our lives forever.

Untie one of my wrists not wrist. You sound really repeatitive when you say requested so close together. Use different diction. The sentance that starts with Sighing doesn't really flow. I would suggest you reword it.

"

Do it," I announced, laying a kiss on Adam’s lips. I pulled away and looked at the cross on the wall and prayed that my love would come out of this safely.

Agian, you use My love. Find a different thing to call him.

Overall:

I think that this story sounds like a different version of Twilight. It can be avoided. Throw something of your own in their. In Twilight, a person is transformed in love. Bella is eager, just like Adam. Also there is a terrible thing going on when they change.

Vary your diction. Use different words. Don't use the same ones over and over. Your characters are also like little robots to me. Humanize them. Add some more emotion. What are they thinking? You do alot of telling instead of showing. Telling is okay, but not too much.

Your grammar and punctuation was okay. I can see where you made a few spelling mistakes and typos. But that can be cleaned up.

I know that you didn't want to get your story shredded. But I had to. I couldn't resist.
Reviews like this are to improve your writing and I hop that you understand. this story had potential. but as I said it needs some major editing. I want to wish you good luck. Keep writing.

I found it really great! Although it does remind me a bit of twilight, but so, I loved twilight ^^.
I hope this gets somewhere, because I'm going to stay with this one! oka-ay... theres really nothing I can complain about, I'm not so picky . Keep going!!!

Sheepy,shoo:

then be my guest and keep on reading.

The three of us, Adam, Landon, and myself were in the “turning room” [Comma] as we so solemnly nickname it. Adam sat down in the chair and we bound him to it with black leather straps around his wrist and ankles. I stayed by his side as Landon, the one who changed me, [Instead of commas I would use dashes] readied for the transformation.

"Are you ready, love?" I asked Adam, clutching his hand in fear. Landon was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours [This sentence doesn't really make sense. Make it more specific: Landon was ready to drain Adam's blood and replace it with my own combined with his. Bad example, but you see what I mean.]. It was a painful process that lasted two or three days to complete [This is too Twilight. I would try to break away from the 3-day rule. For example, in my story Needles and Roses, I had the change be three months. Just seemed more realistic to me. After all, the entire body is changing and evolving, right?], depending on the human being changed. Thinking about the whole thing and the nasty side effects made me tighten my grip on his [Specify that it is Adam's hand. I know we already know it's Adam's hand, but it's just nice to be reminded.] hand. Landon stood to the side, waiting for my command. I found it very appealing that my love wanted to be my mate and companion for my immortal life [This is too random. She's all upset and tense and ready to change Adam's life forever and all of a sudden, "Oh, I'm so flattered".].

"Yeah. Let's do it," he responded. He was abnormally clam [Misspell. Calm.] for a human being change into an immortal creature of the night.

"You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I said, looking into his face [Be more impacting if she was looking into his eyes. And what does she see there, in his gaze?].

"I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he said with compassion in his voice [Huh? Why is he compassionate> He feels sorry for her? WOuldn't he be a little scared for his own life?]. I sighed in content [Again, odd. Why would she be content when he could be about to die?] and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. I opened my eyes at looked at him.

“Untie one of my wrist [This wrist should be plural.] for a sec, would you?” he requested. I did what he requested [You just used the word requested. Use asked or something]. Immediately upon being released, he reached up with his free hand and tucked a lock of my black hair behind my ear. Sighing as he cupped my cheek, our eyes met. He knew then that it was time [How does she know that he knows this? It's first person.]. Re-tying his wrist back to the chair, I glanced over at Landon and nodded to him to begin the process that would change our lives forever.

"Do it," I announced, laying a kiss on Adam’s lips. I pulled away and looked at the cross on the wall and prayed that my love would come out of this safely. [Good ending]

I hope this was a little helpful. Despite there being a lot of comments, I do like it. It's intriguing. Though I do hope you do something different to break out of the typical plot mode that usually involves these kinds of stories.

So good luck with your writing. I hope you like Because

KJ

KJ:

thanks for reading. i hope you willl continue reading it with the other chapters.

Here I am for the review you requested, and I have to say, I was disappointed by the amazing quality of it, as it meant that I couldn't be as nit-picky as I normally am =P. However, being me I did find one little thing:

abnormally clam for a human being changed into an

There we go! The only other suggestion I have is for you to explore your MC's feelings through this prologue a bit more - does she feel guilty about changing him, happy, saddened and happy and guilty all at once...? You decide, but please let us know (:. This will also help you to make it a little longer. But, otherwise you did an amazing job with drawing in the ready, so awesomely done!!

I hope this helps you out, and if you need any more reviews, don't hesitate to click the link below and pop by my page =P
--Lucyy xx

Lu:

Thanks for looking at it.

Oh! I like this plot line a lot so far. I'm very interested, and I'm glad you mad it the guy who was changing for the girl, instead of the other way around. It hasn't been done much at all.


Nitpicks:

He was abnormally clam for a human being change into an immortal creature of the night.

I'm assuming you meant calm.

he requested. I did what he requested.

That just sounds a little bit redundant. I would change one of the "requested."

Other than that, I'm very excited about this storyline, and I like the beginning very much. (:

KaliaMarie:

Thanks for looking at it.

The promised critique!

Well, my first concern is that you don't really know what a prologue is. Actually, most of the people who have critiqued this don't. Prologues aren't supposed to be a second chapter one. They're either:

- Told in a different POV
- Told in a different time (many years before/after)
- Told in a different place

Or something else to that affect. But they're not just there to intrigue us. All of your writing should!

To me, this sounds like a first chapter you couldn't make long enough, so you slapped on the word 'prologue'. If you were going to have a prologue, I'd assume it would be when the girl got her change, then skipping to this, or before this, for chapter one.

However, you could always skip ten or so years after this – I can't be sure. It just sounds very open-ended, like you're planning on picking up right where you left off.

Also, this is rather short. Honestly – can you not fit in 344 words of information into the story? Yes, prologues should be shorter than chapters, but this just seems… too short.

Besides that, all I noticed was that the jump from when he has his hand on the girl's face and when he gets tied back up seems too sudden. Try expanding on that a bit. You untied him for just a few sentences to let us see their relationship, but let us see a bit more – is he hesitant? Afraid? What about her? What do they say? Stress emotions – let us know what this whole thing is about. At the moment we don't know how to feel, so we're relying on your characters to tell you this.

Other than that, it was pretty good. It kept me interested, and I'm curious to know more. Yes, a little similar to Twilight, but not too much, so it's okay. Just make sure you expand a bit more, make us get a feel for where they are. Is the room small? Dark? Is there anyone else there? Stuff like that. Set the scene a bit so the characters aren't floating in space.

Oh, and expanding on Landon a bit would be lovely.

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

Hey. I'm here to do your review. I'm not reading over the other recent ones, in case they bias me, so please excuse me if I repeat things.

The three of us, Adam, Landon, and myself were in the “turning room” as we so solemnly nickname it.

You don't need to include "The three of us." We know from the list of people that there are three, and the first part only makes the sentence awkward. Also, "nickname" should be "nicknamed," as they've been calling it that in the past, I assume. Keep your tenses consistent.

I stayed by his side as Landon, the one who changed me

This bit is telling. Try showing it in her manner of addressing him. Is she more obedient, perhaps? Try to show it in the way your characters react to each other instead of just saying it.

It was a painful process that lasted two or three days to complete

"Lasted two of three days to complete" jars because of your word choice. Try changing "lasted" to "took."

I found it very appealing that my love wanted to be my mate and companion for my immortal life.

More telling. It's consistent throughout the piece. It's probably why it's so short. You could make it a lot longer with more dialogue and description, as this prologue doesn't really give the reader much of a hook to make them continue. I'd prefer this to be longer and more fleshed out.

I was ready to be with him forever, too.

The repetition of "forever" doesn't read very well. It's supposed to create effect, I suppose, but it doesn't quite work.

I pulled away and looked at the cross on the wall and prayed that my love would come out of this safely.

You could replace the first "and" with a comma.

That's all I have. It's an interesting piece, although it hasn't done very much to differentiate itself from others of its kind, yet. I'm sort of interested to see where you'll take it.

The two problems, as I mentioned in the comments, are the length and your tendency to tell instead of show. Telling makes the story come across as somewhat amateurish, as it gives the impression that you can't make readers understand things without stating them bluntly. It'd be better if you had more character interactions and descriptions to fix this. That'll also make the problem of length better.

Overall, it was an interesting piece for what it is. Good job.

-Mat