Poison Love

Hi, Mistress! Here by request
Hmm...there's already quite a few great reviews here! I'll just point out things I notice as I go along...forgive me if someone else got to them first.

as we so solemnly nickname it.

'Nickname' should be 'nicknamed', so that the tense remains the same.

Adam sat down in the chair and we bound him to it with black leather straps around his wrist and ankles.

This sentence is kind of clunky, so let's break it down a bit.
"Adam sat down slowly in the cold chair. We bound his wrists and ankles in place using thick, black, leather straps."
All I did was rearrange the words and split up the sentence appropriately. (I couldn't help but add a little extra description, too)

It was a painful process that lasted two or three days to complete, depending on the human being changed.

When I first read this, I thought you were using the term 'human being', so I had to reread the sentence before I understood what you meant. It would probably help if you rephrased this a little differently. For example: "It was a painful process that lasted two or three days to complete - depending on the mortal who was going through it, that is."

He was abnormally clam for a human being change into an immortal creature of the night

I think you mean 'calm'.
Again, this sentence needs some rewording. Try something like this: "He was abnormally calm for a human who was about to become an immortal creature of the night."

Re-tying his wrist back to the chair, I glanced over at Landon and nodded to him to begin the process that would change our lives forever.

Kind of a run-on you got going here. Break it up a bit:
"Re-tying his wrist back to the chair, I glanced over at Landon. I nodded for him to begin the process that would change our lives forever."


Overall:
Eh, it's OK. I think as a prologue it did it's job, but you still could've been more descriptive. Tell us about the atmosphere of the mysterious "turning room". Let that set a darker and deeper mood for your story. Right now it seems rather bland. Also, -no- especially since this is another romantic vampire tale, make sure to give this an extra spark that the audience has never seen before.
I really like your whole approach with the human guy being turned into a vampire for love as opposed to a human girl. That's a nice change (at least from what I've read). I'll probably continue to read throughout the rest of the chapters you have posted. I hope this is as promising as it seems!

Keep up the good work.


*anti-pop

There is a few grammer mistakes that could have been fixed, and a few parts that are unclear like the names of the characters and such. i got lost differentiating between who was who and at a point in time thought that adam was a fellow vampire and that landon was the narrators lover. A little bit confusing but interesting.

The storyline is catchy and different which is good for the vampire romance area right now is very hard to make original thanks to twilight (ugh). It's got a nice tone and the romance seems very passionate already. pretty exciting for the most part and i cant wait to read more.

Im here as you requested
There seems to be alot of critques for this piece so mine will be short and simple. There seem to be some gramor mistakes that you should be able to fix when you proof read. the whole story idea is a little blurry to me. Of course this is a short piece because it's only a prolouge, but it's not very telling, and the suspense is there but it doesn't keep me interested in reading further.
Im sorry to say but i wasn't a fan of this piece.

much encouragement,
tiff

As requested!

Now i am aware this has a LOT of critiques. So mine won't be very ... compex. In fact i think i am going to do what i like best: ignoring grammar (i have read a few critiques and they cover everything i can see!) and focusing on the plot development/characters/setting and giving you my opinion as a reader.

Oh and first of all, i suggest after each critique you see you should edit it if you feel the need. Because then each critique after that means they're better and deeper and they find more different things rather than the same.

Beginning
Not one that would draw me in. It doesn't really tell us much, other than Adam is going to be changed. I'm unsure as to change it but possibly, instead of telling us all that, maybe try dialoging it:
Adam: Where am I? *Nervously? Perhaps? Or is he a willing participant*
Others: You're going to be changed, so relax, and don't scream.
That sort of thing. Are they scared? Or are they relaxed and is he ready?

Characters/character development
I need more emotion in there! They were fine as characters but i did not really feel the emotion between the characters - is she worried? is he terrified inside, being brave on the outside? What is Landon feeling?

Writing
Other than the lack of emotion... okay it did have some, but it all felt forced. She moved then said something, then they held hands and...
Okay i need to feel the emotion, not be told about it. No deep looks into eyes or tears or much that i really thought beyond a surface level thing. How did they feel?

(this way i can be more constructive than cruel! Hope this is alright for you. I WILL follow on to the next chapters but they too are like... mega critiqued already so no promises on much of a critique from me)

Oh and this was SOOOO short! Ahhh and YES you did draw us in. Heavens yes. I want more now...

Good story. Its a little short but who am I to talk about short prolouges. Longer than mine. Mine is only a couple of short paragraphs. Gives a good insight into the story. Sorry it took me so long to review. Holidays, stuff like that. Not my type of story but I like it.

Hey! Sorry this has taken me so long to get to but I am here now!

Ok first thing's first
-This is a good prologue, I often find with prologues is that they just bombard the reader with so much information that it overwhelms them. When I write I tend to stay away from prologues from fear of over doing it. But this was good, not too much, and intrigues the reader into the rest of the story well.

Characters
-Ok, admittedly I can't really go into too much detail here with the characters as it is not a long piece and can't really give too much away. But what you have so far is prefect for a prologue. Yoyu have introduced who I will assume will be the main characters, although the narrator is still quite unknown to us, I might have missed it but we don't know the name or sex of this person, but this is ok as it makes the reader want to find out more about the characters as the story progresses. And Landon was the name of my pet bird, he was a great bird, just so you know

Plot
-Be careful with vampire stories, there are so many it is hard to make something original. But I do think that reading vampire stories can help with writing one, I am not familiar with the more recent ones such as Twilight, but I did read Interview With The Vampire, which did make me think about the character of Landon a lot. How much did the narrator have to convince him to turn someone else? Is the campire that turned the narrator their 'master' they can often be very protective over those they turn - or is he the leader of a clan and has many vampires? I am interested to find these out and see what vampire conventions you keep to and what new ones you bring into this.

Mistakes
-I am not sure if someone has already mentioned this one, probably as there are so many reviwes on this, but just incase:

He was abnormally clam for a human being change into an immortal creature of the night.

-Calm

Hope this helped If you need anything else you are welcome back to the kitchen table anytime

Meevs

Hey,

thank you so much for reading Poison Love.

this is the link to the rewrite version which has been renamed Addicting Poison.

topic40437.html

again. thank you so much for reading.

I think it was great. I love romance stories and fantasy stories so your title really caught my eye.

*Locked at request of the author.*