The Galaxy

Rewrite of an earlier poem.

When I was small, you showed the stars --
glittering eyelets against night's endless black sheet.
It was then that I wondered what lied beyond
what it would it would be like to be there, really there --
in school they showed us pictures of comets
and stars but I knew
it would be nothing like the real thing.
My life's not too exciting here -
so why not put me on a rocket, 'til I burst through the exosphere?
I may not be the first to see the moon in all it's splendor
but that does not matter.

Take me to where all is black, all is silent;
beautiful.
take me to where I my fly like a bird
on a rocket, without gravity
where my life is in danger at every moment
but the beauty will be worth it.

Wow!!! This reminded me of a curious little kid who just wants to explore or something! Think about capatalizing each line, but that's not a huge problem.

When I was small, you showed the stars -- What are these lines for?
glittering eyelets against night's endless black sheet.
It was then that I wondered what lied beyond
what it would it would be like to be there, really there -- again, the lines, but if you like 'em, keep 'em!
in school they showed us pictures of comets
and stars but I knew
it would be nothing like the real thing.
My life's not too exciting here -
so why not put me on a rocket, 'til I burst through the exosphere? This line made me smile
I may not be the first to see the moon in all it's splendor
but that does not matter. For some reason, it feels like 'doesn't' would flow better than 'does not'

Take me to where all is black, all is silent;
beautiful. This line is perfect.
take me to where I my fly like a bird
on a rocket, without gravity
where my life is in danger at every moment
but the beauty will be worth it. The ending is epic!!!

Great, great job! I loved it, it made me feel so happy!

Eli! Sarah here to review your lovely poem(:

Nitpicks:

When I was small, you showed the stars -- #FF0000 ">showed me? You might want to clarify because it could be us also if they were shown to a group.

glittering eyelets against night's endless black sheet. #FF0000 ">Try playing around with the words, rearranging them and removing some. Sometimes that really helps with the clarity and the poetic tone of things like this. Maybe put "the endless black sheet of night" or something like that. I know you probably wanted to be poetic here with a unique description but the word order sounds a tad bit strange to me.

It was then that I wondered what lied beyond #FF0000 ">Maybe at the beginning say younger instead of small because I can't imagine a small child contemplating what lies beyond earth in a very serious way. They would be more likely to wonder about aliens(;

what it would it would be like to be there, really there -- #FF0000 ">Why are there dashes? The way I've always thought of dashes are that they are like parenthesis. Are parenthesis needed here? No. Maybe try using an ellipsis(...) that would show a trailing off of ideas.

in school they showed us pictures of comets

and stars but I knew

it would be nothing like the real thing. #FF0000 ">Talk about how they never captured the beauty of the stars or something. That will allow the reader to picture things instead of just reading some one telling general thoughts.

My life's not too exciting here - #FF0000 ">Here you switch to present tense. I don't know if you meant to do that or not.

so why not put me on a rocket, 'til I burst through the exosphere?

I may not be the first to see the moon in all it's splendor #FF0000 ">Describe it! Pretend your reader doesn't know what the moon looks like. Act like we are dumb. Just try it and it'll help you with description, especially in poetry. It may increase your length but it'll be worth it if it takes the reader to outer space.
but that does not matter.

Take me to where all is black, all is silent;
beautiful.

take me to where I my fly like a bird #FF0000 ">If you are capitalizing after ever end mark "take" should be capitalized. And I think you meant 'may'.

on a rocket, without gravity#FF0000 "> Fly like a bird on a rocket? How many birds do you know on rocket ships?

where my life is in danger at every moment
but the beauty will be worth it. #FF0000 ">I really like these last two lines.

Overall:

Like I said, I liked the last two lines. And I liked the idea of this. But the thing about it is, if you are finishing off with how the beauty is worth being in danger in space you need to tell us the beauty. I know what the moon looks like, big whoop. But I, as a reader, don't really believe that it's worth it. Not with what you have told me here. I don't know what it looks like in your eyes that makes it so magnificent. Tell me about it; I need pictures. In poetry you are supposed to create pictures, and stories in a short space. To do that you have to describe things. Pick out the most important descriptions and use them. You don't have to describe every little thing but you have to describe some things. Show us, don't tell us. I know you've probably heard that a billion times but it's so true. Don't tell us about space, show us.

I hope this helped. PM me if you have any questions(:

~peanut~

There was something really charming about this poem. It reminds me of a book I read in first grade about a girl who is supposed to draw a picture of her home. After trying several different things, she finally goes into space and draws the Earth. Anyway, enough rambling.

When I was small, you showed me (maybe?)the stars --I'm curious who "you" is. I like the mystery. I'm also a little befuddled by the lines. Grammatically, it should be a comma, but the lines are interesting.
glittering eyelets against night's endless black sheet.Nice.
It was then that I wondered what #FF0000 ">lay beyond#FF0000 ">,
what it would it would be like to be there, really there --
in school they showed us pictures of comets
and stars#FF0000 ">, but I knew
it would be nothing like the real thing.
My life's not too exciting here -
so why not put me on a rocket, 'til I burst through the exosphere?
I may not be the first to see the moon in all #FF0000 ">its splendor#FF0000 ">"It's" is the contraction of "it is." "Its" is the possessive.
but that does not matter.

Take me to where all is black, all is silent;I love these two lines!
beautiful.
#FF0000 ">Take me to where I my fly like a birdI'm not sure if I like the simile here. It's so overused, I almost think it would be more effective without it. Your call, though.
on a rocket, without gravity
where my life is in danger at every moment#FF0000 ">,
but the beauty will be worth it.

I don't know that you need to capitalize every line. Some poets do crazy things with punctuation and capitalization. Personally, I like following the normal grammar rules and just capitalized the beginnings of sentences, but you can do whatever you want.
I really enjoyed this. Let me know if you have any questions.
Happy writing,
-Sea-

Eellliii. I'm going to review this for you.

Except, it might be a little pointless, because I read it and kind of gushed over it. (In other words - I really, really liked it.) It was different - and it felt like something that I could relate to. It made me smile a little, and I think I even nodded once or twice. (Ha.)

It was definitely a pretty piece - I loved the imagery in it, and I love the little piece of a story that it told. It was short and simple... But now I'm going to force myself to find something to nitpick, because otherwise I'll feel totally useless. So.

Okay, I found one whole line that I'm maybe half-iffy about. Nyeh. (You suck for writing a poem I like so much... not really, but you know.)

It was then that I wondered what lied beyond

There was just something about this line that didn't sit quite as easily as the rest of the poem. It might be those last two words - a bit of a cliche phrase. Of course, that sounds so ridiculously picky of me, but I read it over again and my train of thought and the image I was creating sort of faltered. If anything, I would try rephrasing those last two words. >.<

Otherwise, though, I really did love this poem. *clicks 'Like'*

So, nicely done, and sorry for being so brief. xD

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

Hi there,

I personally really liked it but I did think it lacked flow in between each verse. I also wondered why you placed two '--' at the end of the first line. To me I just thought that was a little confusing and also grammatically uncorrect. But except for that it was great and I really liked it. I particlularly liked reading the last verse bacuase the words were really descriptive and I just thought it was a really special thing to write. I did think it was short but sometimes it is that factor of a poem that makes it so great. Like a haiku I suppose! Overall I really liked it.

From CuteJackRussell

Since everyone else seems to have caught all the errors, I feel I should give you a compliment. You are using beautiful imagery and you have a great metaphor goin' on. Most of my poetry borders on darkness=beauty, so I heartily agree with you on that standpoint. I do have to say just look a little more into your grammar, spelling, etc... and you will have yourself something that is nearly impossible to compete with. Well writ.

Yeah......every time I wanted to point something out, I saw that someone else had already done it. :p

This was pretty good! It's rather beautiful and peaceful, and I like the feeling of nostalgia--it's my favorite drug. :3

It didn't quite....leave me in awe, but I guess not every poem has to do that.

All in all, I liked it. Good job! Thanks for posting this.

Elinor Brynn wrote:Rewrite of an earlier poem.

When I was small, you showed the stars --
glittering eyelets against night's endless black sheet.
It was then that I wondered what lied beyond I think it may be better written as -lay-
what it would it would be like to be there, really there --
in school they showed us pictures of comets
and stars but I knew
it would be nothing like the real thing.
#BF00FF ">My life's not too exciting here -
so why not put me on a rocket, 'til I burst through the exosphere?
I may not be the first to see the moon in all it's splendor
but that does not matter.

Take me to where all is black, all is silent;
beautiful.
take me to where I my fly like a bird
on a rocket, without gravity
where my life is in danger at every moment
but the beauty will be worth it.

I really enjoyed reading this poem. My favourite lines are coloured purple. Keep up the good work,

~Crimson

When I was small, you showed the stars --
glittering eyelets against night's endless black sheet.
It was then that I wondered what lied beyond
what it would it would be like to be there, really there --
in school they showed us pictures of comets
and stars but I knew
it would be nothing like the real thing.
My life's not too exciting here -
so why not put me on a rocket, 'til I burst through the exosphere?
I may not be the first to see the moon in all it's splendor
but that does not matter.

I don't know, some of your word choices seem a little cliche. 'glittering,' and 'endless black sheet,' Eyelets was nice but the rest of the line wasn't consistent. After that the sensory details sort of go away and I don't know it was sort of jarring to read, "what it would itwould be like to be there, really there." I didn't like that. I like "in school they showed us pictures of comets." That was nice. I think this stanza would benefit from condensation. A little paring of unneeded words.

Take me to where all is black, all is silent;
beautiful.
take me to where I my fly like a bird
on a rocket, without gravity
where my life is in danger at every moment
but the beauty will be worth it.

i don't like the word beautiful. It's easy to tell us something is beautiful: SHOW US the beauty, so we can see it for ourselves. It's like primary sources you know. All we have now is the narrator telling us something is beautiful, we don't know for sure. I like "where my life is in danger at every moment." I think there's more there that you could explore. I think its an interesting idea.