If I Were the Wind...

If I were the wind, I’d fly.
My breathless wings would lift me
And bear me to heaven;
I would be free.

If I were water, I’d swim.
My silent pulse would carry me
Down into hidden depths;
I would know the meaning of oblivion.

If I were the earth, I’d sleep.
My crushing embrace would enfold me
And lull me gently;
I would know peace.

If I were fire, I’d dance.
My glittering flame would ignite my soul
And open my eyes to the world;
I would awaken.

But the wind does not lift me;
I fall, and he does not save me.

The water smothers me;
I can do nothing but drown in her embrace.

The earth shuns me;
His life turns its shoulder.

Fire hides from me;
Never will I waltz in her light.

Hello, Mr. Knightley, I'm Jenna and I will be your reviewer for today.

The first thing I think you should do is completely get rid of the last line, "I am alone." It turns what is an interesting poem with lots of great words and cool description into something people might pass off as mindless self pity. I'm not saying that that's what it is, (not at all!) but the line I am alone, and even the word alone has just been so heavily canvassed that it's become a cliche. I think your poem would end really well with "Never will I waltz in her light."

The last line in the first three stanzas starts with "I would." Stanza 4 (starting with "If I were fire," breaks that format. Maybe consider either changing two of the first three, or making stanza 4 start with I would as well.

I think the last four stanzas (not counting I am alone) need punctuation on the end.

Something I like a lot about this is the way you've given each of the four traditional elements life, and even personality. It's called personification, I think: when you give something not alive human traits in writing. Thanks for posting your poem! If you have any questions about what I wrote here, just ask, I'll come back to check.

hey, this was actually a good poem,
couple small things,
waltz is so not the dance i imagine when i think of fire.

I think that last part needs work, waltz just really sticks out t me as an awkward word
an dI agree that you might think about dropping the I am alone part,
it jsut dont work that well, but its your poem you do whatever you want with it.

Jennafina wrote:The first thing I think you should do is completely get rid of the last line, "I am alone." It turns what is an interesting poem with lots of great words and cool description into something people might pass off as mindless self pity. I'm not saying that that's what it is, (not at all!) but the line I am alone, and even the word alone has just been so heavily canvassed that it's become a cliche. I think your poem would end really well with "Never will I waltz in her light."

Now that you mention it, I think that makes the most sense. I read it over again, and the last line stuck out at an awkward angle. That being said, I just want to make sure that it's clear that I am not wallowing in self-pity. I know that that's now what you said, but I really don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. I guess it's just easy for me to write poems like this. It has nothing to do with my personal life (I actually got the idea for this poem when I was watching a song on Sesame Street with my niece. It was called "Listen to the Wind," or something like that, and it was far from depressing. ). I get what you mean, though. Thanks!

The last line in the first three stanzas starts with "I would." Stanza 4 (starting with "If I were fire," breaks that format. Maybe consider either changing two of the first three, or making stanza 4 start with I would as well.

I edited that, but do you think it's a worthy substitute?

I think the last four stanzas (not counting I am alone) need punctuation on the end.

Done!

Something I like a lot about this is the way you've given each of the four traditional elements life, and even personality.

Aww, shucks! You done made me blush!

To God (hehe!): I used waltz, admittedly, because I couldn't rightly use a word like "salsa", or "jig". It clearly wouldn't work. But when I thought of waltz, I thought it went nicely. *shrug*

I'm glad you both liked this poem! It's always reassuring to know that I'm doing something right! Thanks for taking the time to critique!

Hello Mr. Knightley!
I really enjoyed this poem, but let's break apart the nitpicks, shall we?

If I were the wind, I’d fly.

This contraction is confusing, and it kind of breaks up the lyrical beauty of the poem. Also, I don't know if its "I could fly" or "I would fly." They are two different things, so I'd specify one.

My breathless wings would lift me

Why 'breathless'? The adjective doesn't really make me think of wings.

Also, I didn't really enjoy the fact that you use genders to describe the fire and earth. I'd keep them as 'its'.

Great poem!
PM me if you have questions.

Well, they pretty much said what should be said.

But in my opinion, I would probably title the poem "If I Were..." since you also discussed the other elements. Then again, some famous poets also title their works with the first sentence so there really is no problem, just preference.

Also, I wish there was at least 2 more lines after the the last line. Kind of like a summarized end.

Something sad and full of despair with a hint of wishful thinking.

Kind of like

I'm not the wind, the water, the earth, and the fire.
My dreams, I will never reach.

Nice read

your poem speaks to me

it speaks of desire and pain and a deep sorrow

it speaks of freedom and captivity

its speaks your emotions and i believe that your poem is great

it tells of a hearts desire from beginning to end

so keep writing and always from the heart

Okay, this is just going to be a quick review, but here we go!

The main thing I thought was a little weird was that you kept saying you would do these actions, but the only action that really made sense was fire dancing. I don't know... it's probably just me. I just wasn't entirely convinced that wind, water, or Earth would do those actions.

Second thing is that it has no real conclusion. After reading this, I wondered who is this guy. He says what he isn't, but there's no conclusion that is made. The narrator can be a cow for all I know. So! Who is he? And what is the point he is trying to make from these metaphors?

Good luck with revision!

hello dear friend!


Let me tell you, first that I really enjoyed reading this wonderful piece of lyrical poetry. To my understanding,the involvement of 4 main elements such as: wind, water, earth and fire made the verse given extremely eloquent and vivid. Besides, division of the poem into 2 parts: "If I were..." and "but the wind...","the water...","the earth" and "the fire..." is a kind of division of probability and, so to say, reality and thats what highlights the idea of the poem, as far as I understand.

Moreover, the use of figures of speech here, like genuine epithets,sustained metaphors and personification make the poem given original and very expressive. I especially liked the epithets:"breatheless wings", "silent pulse","glittering flame" and the inversion "Never will I waltz in her light" which make the poem absolutely fantastic.

Olya

"

I love Snoink's reviews. They're always so... bouncy.
I think that was a wonderful piece of work.
However, I don't like this line.

Mr.Knightley wrote:I fall, and he does not reach out to save me.

I mean, I do like it but I think it can be cut up so it's a td shorter. It looks very out-of-place at it's current length.
Besides that,great job and keep writing.
empress

Hi, empress! Thanks for your review! Actually, now that you mention it, it is a bit long and kind of awkward. I changed it, and I think it works better! I hope you like it. Thanks for the review and the compliments!

your welcome, Mr. Knightly. It's a wonderful piece of work, though I usually hate personifying nature, it was charming in this poem.
PS you inspired my new avatar