Legend's Hollow

This is for CastleInTheSky's contest. I use picture 8 of the little girl, but I changed the age I hope that's okay.


Fresh air filled my lungs as I twirled around, Granpappy stood at the opening of the door watching my dance. I felt guilty about our smiles, this was wrong. Last week Daddy told Pappy to never let me outside. That I wouldn't be safe, but Granpappy never listens to Daddy.
He laughed crossing his arms at his chest as I looked up. "Addie, five more minutes. We have to get inside before your dad comes home." I didn't listen; the outdoors interested me, all of the colors swirling around me. Hardly unsafe, Pappy told me, I had to agree. Rooted to my spot on the soft, green grass I dug my toes into the moist ground. Below me the mud squished between my toes. I giggled, looking up to see Pappy's reaction. He looked at me, an amused smile painted on his wrinkled face.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see something flicker behind the tree line. Fascinated I skipped to the trees. "Addisyn!" Pappy yelled, I turned toward him as the flicker disappeared. Worry filled his eyes, the slam of a car door made both of us jump. "Daddy," I whispered, terrified of what would happen if he caught me, I flitted to the door. Granpappy closed and securely locked the door as I passed him.
I raced down the hallway to my bedroom. Behind me I slammed the door letting Pappy know I had made it. The slam of my door was closely followed by the sound of the front door hitting the wall, and Daddy's grumbling. Pappy's voice was next, making talk with Daddy, distracting him from thoughts of me.
I was in trouble.
Daddy knows when I need to be punished, even if he was nowhere near me when the crime took place. Like a sixth, useless, sense. Pappy also has a sixth sense, so much more useful than Daddy's. He knows when I am going to be punished. It's more of a guess than a sixth sense, but still so much more useful, because he can stop it.
Ever since Mommy died Daddy has always been mad. Mad at me, mad at Pappy, mad at everybody. Mommy died in the forest, Daddy says that’s why it's unsafe. No body knows how or why. Except Daddy, and Pappy, I think. Pappy said that’s why he's so mad all the time, that he could have stopped it. He said Daddy has been having dreams about Mommy, talking to her. Pappy also says the only reason Daddy's still alive is because of me. I don't believe him, Daddy hates me and that's not going to change.
They were talking about me. I know because they were whispering instead of yelling. I strained my ears, listening to their almost silent conversation. I looked around my room, still listening as much as I could. My eyes traced the wooden letters above my bed, following each curve of the painted wood. A…d…d…i…s…y "Addisyn, get out here." Daddy called, my eye quickly finishing the y before I hopped off my bed. My hand gently brushed the wall beside the door, flipping off the light on my way out.
I pulled my door shut behind me and stepped into the hall, making my way to the kitchen. "She needs to know John." Pappy whispered as I got close enough to hear them. Daddy stood in the kitchen on one side of the counter Granpappy on the other side sitting on a barstool. When I got close enough Daddy grabbed my arm and pulled me to the backdoor. I looked back at Pappy, a confused look crossed my face, but he just looked away.
When we were out of the house Daddy released his hold on my arm and guided me to the trees. I had always wanted to see what lied beyond the green wall, but now the only thing I felt was fear. Firmly Daddy clasped my shoulders, guiding me pass the wall and into the darkness.
"Addie," he said, the word confusing me more than my surroundings. No one besides Granpappy ever called me Addie. Not even Mommy. "Addie, you have to pay attention." He said moving a branch out of our path.
"Daddy, where are we going?" I asked, stepping over a thick vine that seemed to encircle the whole forest.
Bright colors filled my eyes, forcing me to shut them. Cautiously I reopened them, the colors surrounding me now obscuring my vision.
"Addie, its okay." Daddy said I listened afraid to open my eyes again. " The pain will stop if you just open your eyes." I had no choice but to open them, the pain was becoming unbearable. I felt as if lightening was exploding inside me, striking the insides of my eyes.
The light filled my eyes once more; the intense color of my surrounding filling my mind. "Daddy, what is this place?" I asked.
" This," he said looking around, " is Legend's Hollow." Smiling, for the first time since Mommy died, he lead me through the small clearing we had been standing in. A gate laid in the wall before us, ivy twisted up the metal of the gate.
Gold sunlight streamed through the treetops. On the gate beautiful gems sparked in the yellow light. Arching around the top of the gate stained glass letters spelled Legend's Hollow.
Slowly the gate was pushed open, the woman on the other side of the gate smiled as Daddy pushed me through. "Melody," Daddy said greeting her. Melody, I thought, that was Mommy's name.
"Yes, Addisyn," the woman said as if she just read my thoughts," it's me." This can't be true, I thought hoping she could hear me, if you are Mommy why don’t you come home. Come be happy again.
" Because, dear child, I am bound by magic. I can never come back. But you dear child are free, free to never come back to this place. For your fate is the same."

Hey Goober! You asked, so I came.

First of all, there are A LOT of grammar mistakes. I could go over them all, but I'm lazy and I don't want to. So I'll just bullet point some of the ones that you should watch out for, and then I can comment on the actual substance of the story.

RUN-ON SENTENCES

Basically, run-on sentences are when you have a sentence that doesn't seem to end sometimes people will start a completely new subject and sometimes they won't but it really doesn't make sense and it blurs together your first sentence is a run-on sentence so fix that.

And that is a run-on sentence as well.


COMMAS

Sometimes, I'll write and make my sentences short for a stylistic effect. Sometimes I'll write make my sentences short for a stylistic effect. See how that sentence doesn't make any sense? There needs to be a comma between them. Review the rules for commas. I'm not good at grammar since I get really confused, but I put commas wherever I would pause naturally when I tell the story. So try that. Go through the story and see where you pause naturally. Those are where you put your commas.

That's mostly it.

As for your story! I have a couple of questions...

Is this intending to be a short story? Right now, it seems like a chapter since it doesn't resolve. From what I understand about contests, the readers love resolutions. So what happens?

Why is the mother like this? Did she want to become like this? Why?

Why do the men hide this from her? Is her dad okay with this? We don't see any of his reactions, so I'm guessing he is okay with this, but I don't know for sure.

As far as the pappy... is he okay with this? I think that he is and I think that he wants his granddaughter to become whatever his daughter has become, but I'm not sure about this. I would prefer it if you gave us hints about their characters better, just so we can know their motives.

As far as the mother... when her dad shows he this, I find it weird that the mother would go to the daughter and not to her husband. I mean... kids are great and everything, but I would go to the husband first and then the daughter, if that makes any sense. So I'm a little confused about the parents' relationship.

About the mother's last words... "for your fate is the same." What exactly does this mean? Does this mean that this kid is similarly doomed, like her mother?

So yeah. That was a couple of the questions that popped up for me. If you could clarify that within your story, I'm sure that it could be awesome. I love the fact that Addie is running around, loving the wilderness, despite her father's objections. Some of the description is beautiful. Fix up the clarity and it'll be lovely.

You told me to come, just like you asked Snoink, so here I am.
Since you also said this was your first time writing in first person, I thought that was good. There was no problem with that.

I agree with Snoink on many things. You were missing a lot of periods and commas throughout the whole post. Which without them, creates run-on sentences.
I'll just copy and paste the whole thing. My punctuation corrections were going to be in blue, but my compouter messed up and it would take me forever to do it again. So the corrections are there, just not pointed out.

Fresh air filled my lungs as I twirled around. Granpappy stood at the opening of the door, watching my dance. I felt guilty about our smiles. This was wrong. Last week Daddy told Pappy to never let me outside. *what you had didn't make sense* He said I wouldn't be safe, like *the way you have it sounds like the dad says he doesn't care* he cares. Granpappy never listens to Daddy.
He laughed, crossing his arms at his chest as I looked up. "Addie, five more minutes. We have to get inside before your dad comes home." I didn't listen; the outdoors interested me, all of the colors swirling around me. Hardly unsafe, Pappy told me and I had to agree. Rooted to my spot on the soft green grass, I dug my toes into the moist ground. Below me, the mud squish *switched tenses here* between my toes. I giggled, looking up to see Pappy's reaction. He looked at me, an amused smile painted on his wrinkled face.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see something flicker behind the tree line. Fascinated I skipped to the trees. "Addisyn!" Pappy yelled. I turned toward him as the flicker disappeared. Worry filled his eyes, and the slam of a car door made both of us jump. "Daddy," I whispered, terrified of what would happen if he caught me. I flitted to the door. Granpappy closed and securely locked the door as I ran passed *either take out ran or change passed to pass* him.
I raced down the hallway to my bedroom. Slamming the door behind me, letting Pappy know I had made it. *huh? I slammed the door behind me, letting... would sound better.*The slam of my door was closely followed by the sound of the front door hitting the wall, and Daddy's grumbling. Pappy's voice was next, making talk with Daddy, distracting him from thoughts of me.
I was in trouble.
Daddy knows when I need to be punished, even if he was nowhere near me when the crime took place. Like a sixth, useless sense. Pappy also has a sixth sense, so much more useful than Daddy's. He knows when I am going to be punished. It's more of a guess than a sixth sense, but still so much more useful because he can stop it.
Ever since Mommy died, Daddy has always been mad. Mad at me, mad at Pappy, mad at everybody. Mommy died in the forest, and Daddy says that’s why it's unsafe. Nobody knows how or why. Except Daddy and Pappy, I think. Pappy said that’s why he's so mad all the time, that he could have stopped it. He said Daddy has been having dreams about Mommy, talking to her. Pappy also says the only reason Daddy's still alive is because of me. I don't believe him, Daddy hates me and that's not going to change.
They were talking about me. I know because they were whispering instead of yelling. I strained my ears, listening to their almost silent conversation. I looked around my room, still listening as much as I could. My eyes traced the wooden letters above my bed, following each curve of the painted wood. A…d…d…i…s…y "Addisyn, get out here." Daddy called, my eye quickly finishing the y before I hopped off my bed. My hand gently brushed the wall beside the door, flipping off the light on my way out.
I pulled my door shut behind me and stepped into the hall, making my way to the kitchen. "She needs to know John." Pappy whispered as I *got would sound good here* close enough to hear them. Daddy stood in the kitchen on one side of the counter, Granpappy on the other side sitting on a barstool. When I got close enough, Daddy grabbed my arm and pulled me to the backdoor. I looked back at Pappy, a confused look crossed my face, but he just looked away.
When we were out of the house, Daddy released his hold on my arm and guided me to the trees. I had always wanted to see what lay *lay is not the right word here. Maybe laid or lied, I can't remember* beyond the green wall, but now the only thing I felt was fear. Firmly, Daddy clasped my shoulders, guiding me passed *it's pass* the wall and into the darkness.
"Addie," he said, the word confusing me more than my surroundings. No one besides Granpappy ever called me Addie. Not even Mommy. "Addie, you have to pay attention." He said, moving a branch out of our path.
"Daddy, where are we going?" I asked, stepping over a thick vine that seemed to encircle the whole forest.
Bright colors filled my eyes, forcing me to shut them. Cautiously I reopened them, the colors surrounding me now obscuring my vision.
"Addie, its okay." Daddy said. I listened, afraid to open my eyes again. " The pain will stop if you just open your eyes." I had no choice but to open them, the pain was becoming unbearable. I felt as if lightening was exploding inside me, striking the insides of my eyes.
The light filled my eyes once more; the intense color of my surrounding filling my mind. "Daddy, what is this place?" I asked.
" This," he said looking around, " is Legend's Hollow." Smiling, for the first time since Mommy died, he lead me through the small clearing. We had been standing in to *take out to here* a gate that lay in the wall of ivy before us. *lay in the wall of ivy? I really don't like the way that sounds.*
Gold sunlight streamed through the treetops. On the gate, beautiful gems sparked in the yellow light. Arching around the top of the gate, stained glass letters spelled Legend's Hollow.
Slowly, the gate was pushed open, the woman on the other side of the gate smiled as Daddy pushed me through. "Melody," Daddy said greeting her. Melody, I thought, that was Mommy's name.
"Yes, Addisyn," the woman said as if she just read my thoughts," it's me." This can't be true, I thought hoping she could hear me, if you are Mommy why don’t you come home. Come be happy again.
" Because, dear child, I am bound by magic. I can never come back. But you dear child are free, free to never come back to this place. For your fate is the same."

This is what I found. I hope it helps you. This was good, but you had a lot of grammar mistakes. Maybe we should pay more attention in Language Arts.

Also, don't forget to start a new paragraph everytime a different person speaks. I noticed that at least once, when you didn't do that.

Watch your tenses, too. That's all I have to say.
PM me if you have any questions.

Hey Cat, my beautiful mess wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. And the tense thing was just a typo. Other than that I hope you liked it.
~peanut~

Good job, peanut. Gold Star. Yeah, you did have a lot of grammar mistakes, but I really don't want to point them out. By the way, did you figure out who my "Special Friend" was?
I think you really know but are trying to make it harder that it should be in trying to find out.

peanut19 wrote:This is for CastleInTheSky's contest. I use picture 8 of the little girl, but I changed the age I hope that's okay.


(Hey there Peanut! June here! Forgive me if I tear this apart; sometimes my nit-picks go too far. Snoink has pointed out most of the issues, so I'll just correct the grammar and play with structure, okay? )

Fresh air filled my lungs as I twirled around, Granpappy stood at the opening of the door watching my dance. I felt guilty about our smiles, this was wrong. Last week(,)
Daddy told Pappy to never let me outside. That I wouldn't be safe, but Granpappy never listens to Daddy. (He said I wouldn't be safe, but Granpappy never listens to Daddy...")

He laughed crossing his arms at his chest as I looked up. "Addie, five more minutes. We have to get inside before your dad comes home." I didn't listen; the outdoors interested me, all of the colors swirling around me. Hardly unsafe, Pappy told me, I had to agree. Rooted to my spot on the soft, green grass I dug my toes into the moist ground. Below me the mud squished between my toes. I giggled, looking up to see Pappy's reaction. He looked at me, an amused smile painted on his wrinkled face.

(I think that the first comma should be a period, to break that into two sentences. Then I would change the form of the second a little to make it;

"Grandpappy stood in the open doorway watching my dance."
)

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see something flicker behind the tree line. Fascinated I skipped to the trees. "Addisyn!" Pappy yelled, I turned toward him as the flicker disappeared. Worry filled his eyes, the slam of a car door made both of us jump. "Daddy," I whispered, terrified of what would happen if he caught me, I flitted to the door. Granpappy closed and securely locked the door as I passed him.
I raced down the hallway to my bedroom. Behind me I slammed the door (switch to: I slammed the door behind me...")
letting Pappy know I had made it. The slam of my door was closely followed by the sound of the front door hitting the wall, and Daddy's grumbling. Pappy's voice was next, making talk with Daddy, distracting him from thoughts of me.

(Begin dialogue on a new line. It should be;

"...trees.

"Addisyn!" Granpappy yelled. I turned towards him as the flicker disappeared..."

)

I was in trouble.
Daddy knows when I need to be punished, even if he was nowhere near me when the crime took place. Like a sixth, useless, sense. Pappy also has a sixth sense, so much more useful than Daddy's. He knows when I am going to be punished. It's more of a guess than a sixth sense, but still so much more useful, because he can stop it

.

This was confusing, dear. Let's reword this somehow:

"Daddy can always tell when I need to be punished, even if he was nowhere around me when the crime took place. It's like he has a sixth sense. Pappy has one too, but it's more useful than Daddy's. He knows when I am going to be punished, and he can always try to stop it."

Ever since Mommy died(,)
Daddy has always been mad. Mad at me, mad at Pappy, mad at everybody. Mommy died in the forest, Daddy says that’s why it's unsafe. No body knows how or why. Except Daddy, and Pappy, I think. Pappy said that’s why he's so mad all the time, that he could have stopped it. He said Daddy has been having dreams about Mommy, talking to her. Pappy also says the only reason Daddy's still alive is because of me. I don't believe him, Daddy hates me and that's not going to change.

(Pea, Dear, we need to reword this, too.

"Ever since Mommy died, Daddy has always been mad at everyone. Mommy died in the forest, and that's why it's unsafe. Nobody knows how or why she died, except for Daddy and Pappy, I think. Pappy said Daddy's mad all the time because he could have stopped it. He said Daddy has been having dreams about Mommy and talking to her. Pappy said that the only reason Daddy's still alive is because of me. I don't believe him though. I think Daddy hates me, and I don't think that's going to change.")

They were talking about me. I know because they were whispering instead of yelling. I strained my ears, listening to their almost silent conversation. I looked around my room, still listening as much as I could. My eyes traced the wooden letters above my bed, following each curve of the painted wood. A…d…d…i…s…y "Addisyn, get out here." Daddy called, my eye quickly finishing the y before I hopped off my bed. My hand gently brushed the wall beside the door, flipping off the light on my way out.
I pulled my door shut behind me and stepped into the hall, making my way to the kitchen. "She needs to know John." Pappy whispered as I got close enough to hear them. Daddy stood in the kitchen on one side of the counter(.)
Granpappy (was) on the other side sitting on a barstool. When I got close enough Daddy grabbed my arm and pulled me to the backdoor. I looked back at Pappy, a confused look crossed my face, but he just looked away.

(To spell out stuff in a story, use hyphens and capitals; "A-D-D-I-S-Y-N"

Remember to always begin dialog on a new line. )

When we were out of the house Daddy released his hold on my arm and guided me to the trees. I had always wanted to see what lied beyond the green wall, but now the only thing I felt was fear. Firmly Daddy clasped my shoulders, guiding me pass (past) the wall and into the darkness.
"Addie," he said, the word confusing me more than my surroundings. No one besides Granpappy ever called me Addie. Not even Mommy. "Addie, you have to pay attention." He said moving a branch out of our path.
"Daddy, where are we going?" I asked, stepping over a thick vine that seemed to encircle the whole forest.

Remember! Dialog on a new line

Bright colors filled my eyes, forcing me to shut them. Cautiously I reopened them, the colors surrounding me now obscuring my vision.
"Addie, its okay." (should be a comma; not a period)Daddy said(.) I listened afraid to open my eyes again. " The pain will stop if you just open your eyes." I had no choice but to open them, the pain was becoming unbearable. I felt as if lightening (lightning) was exploding inside me, striking the insides of my eyes.
The light filled my eyes once more; the intense color of my surrounding filling my mind. "Daddy, what is this place?" I asked.
" This," he said looking around, " is Legend's Hollow." Smiling, for the first time since Mommy died, he lead me through the small clearing we had been standing in. A gate laid in the wall before us, ivy twisted up the metal of the gate.
Gold sunlight streamed through the treetops. On the gate beautiful gems sparked in the yellow light. Arching around the top of the gate stained glass letters spelled Legend's Hollow.

A gate can't really "lay" in the wall, you know?

Slowly the gate was pushed open, the woman on the other side of the gate smiled as Daddy pushed me through. "Melody," Daddy said greeting her. Melody, I thought, that was Mommy's name.
"Yes, Addisyn," the woman said as if she just read my thoughts," it's me." This can't be true, I thought hoping she could hear me, if you are Mommy why don’t you come home. Come be happy again.
" Because, dear child, I am bound by magic. I can never come back. But you dear child are free, free to never come back to this place. For your fate is the same."

Here, you didn't actually tell us anything about the woman before she smiles. And who opens the gate? Does it open by itself? Put a break in the line right after "it's me." so that the Addisyn's thoughts are not combined with her mother's speech.

I don't get this though... we need to have more of a clue why her fate is the same as her mother's and why her mother died.

So! Sorry I took so long to get this done, I kind of got sidetracked. Remember to pay attention to your sentence length. Make sure to vary it, but don't have run ons. Be sure to put periods and commas where necessary. Pay attention to the proper spelling. Homophones get in the way sometimes, I know, but try to find the correct word.

Try your best to use proper imagery when writing . Don't use metaphors that are too extreme. I'm not saying you did that, haha, I'm just reminding .

It was a little confusing. It was a good start, but I think that it kind of lacked in some areas. Her father's bad mood vanishes rather quickly, and I can't really see why. The grammar was a bit off in a few areas, and even though I corrected some of it, I really didn't point out all of it. >.< Some bits are a bit too detailed; others don't have enough detail.

So! If you have the time, maybe you should rewrite this-- keep all of your ideas, but just try to rewrite it differently. Sometimes she sounded like a little girl. Other times she sounded like a teenager, and that was good.


Overall, it's a good story Pea, keep it up!


Great job!

xxJune

I loved reading it, and the vibrant details kept me into the whole story. You really described Legend's Hallow well, and I could visualize it. I also want to see the characters. Right now, I see grey people, I don't see what they look like. Tell me, what is their hair color? What is their skin color?
I really enjoyed on how you wrote it. It describes the main character's personality very well. Keep writing! :]

The mistakes that others have already pointed out aside, I enjoyed this.

That said, I feel like this is something that work better as an extend work rather than a short story. I like your writing style but this just burns through things too fast. It feels like a detailed summary more than a story.

My suggestions would simply be to expand on what you already have. Tell us more about everything. What does Addisyn (please spell it Addison for heaven's sake, this spelling required a pause to pronounce) look like? How about Pappy or Daddy? Where does she live? When she goes to Legend's Hollow we get some physical description but we see little of the journey there.

You have a strong foundation I think for something, but you really need to build on it some more.