Through My Eyes -1

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Very, very interesting. Only a couple of nit-picks:

I made no fuss but I silently cried at night.

You can delete the "I" before "silently."

Though that place is a shack, it provided food thrice a day (more than what I was used to at home) and clothing and shelter.

"Was" instead of "is."

I really enjoyed reading this, but I'm wondering where the brother fits into the family. He's only mentioned once or twice in chapter 1. How does Priya feel about seeing her twin brother? Does he get any privileges that she doesn't? Things will be a lot more vivid if you show her brother getting things she doesn't just because he's male.

Also, I think this could be expanded into a longer story. It would be very possible to turn this flashback into a longer beginning (that would still make sense with your last line), and a very dynamic one at that. Add some scenes where she sees what her brother gets and she doesn't, her feelings being crushed at not being able to go to school. I've read a biography that was very, very good and males vs. females in scoity was the main plot.

I look forward to reading more!

'Ello there! I don't believe we've met. I'm, well, the short-end of the stick is, I'm Jess. I seem to have quite the handful of nicknames here. Nice to meet you.

*

Well, you've the basic structure or platform of a story but instead of using any type of description or negating in expanding this prologue, you've succeeded in producing a fantastic grocery list. This of course is not good, as the reader will generally become bored - and truthfully, I did. The story reads like, "This happened, and that happened, and oh wait! This happened too." Eventually, this style of writiing becomes redundant.

The cardinal rule of storytelling is Show, Don't tell. By showing us through emotion, dialogue, and description - not an absurd amount of adjectives - only then will your characters really begin to come alive.

Also, I had a difficult time following who was who. The mother, daughter, the twins; I just kept losing track of their identities I suppose. And moreso with

Karthi and Devi akka (sister).

the parenthesis. Why can't Devi be simply known as "sister" instead of "akka?" Very confusing indeed.

Kanamma was in pain.

Edit the said quote or erase the sentence. It's not needed because afterwards you go describing to us that she is in physical discomfort. The sentence isn't much of a hook either in my personal opinion to ensnare your reader. I think if you play around with a thesaurus, looking up all the fun words to describe "pain," you might find a delecious motive when writing about physical pain. Quite amusing actually but challenging.

Best of luck!
Jess

At Rosey: Thanks! Well, the brother gets featured more in tho story sooner, but the main story is not exactly male vs. female thing.

At Jess!
Hi! NIce to know you. Thanks for your advice. I shall change it soon. By the way, I use words like akka so that it brings about a sense of place.

lavabubblingout wrote:it provided food thrice a day (more than what I was used to at home) and clothing and shelter.

I would get rid of the parenthesis here and just combine that into the sentence. Something like this, '...it provided food thrice a day, which was more than what...'

The ending moved too quickly for my taste. When she had to leave and go to Chennai, all of that could be described a lot more. Chennai could be described a lot more, the house, the other children, etc.
I would establish her being at the home for much longer before bringing in the adoptive parents, which also should be described a lot more.

The Tamil words confused me at first but I got it once I read on. I think it's really cool that your from India and you're incorporating you're culture and language and stuff into this. I've never read anything like that before.

Nice work

-Carly

Well... i've been thinking a lot about the story and i'v edecided to tell more about the hose through priya's eyes. I shall put up that part of the story soon. Right now, I'm a little over-scheduled with exams throughout this month.

Hey Lavabubblingout!

I just read your piece.
I like the idea for it, the settings, and how chapter one is through Priya's eyes, so I'm assuming some chapters will be portraying the perspectives of other characters. I like those ideas.
However, I definitely think some more description is needed. I think your story telling is too outright. I love to read (and write) about senses, about what's going on around me at the time, about how I'm feeling. The details about events such as coming home and finding your father has lost all his money, and a mother having two children, a boy and a girl, even though she knows the girl won't truly be accepted and loved in the household - a lot of emotion would be realistic during those times, and I think if you just added a sentence or two, referring to senses even, (the persons smell, sight, tough, sound, taste) it would definitely benefit your piece.

Good luck with it!
And thanks for posting it