Love is like a book of Pittsburgh Love Stories

Summer, it's generally encouraged that you only post one new piece per day on the YWS forums. Posting less than that is good too. If people see an explosion of your work, they're going to be less inclined to critique it because 1) it shows disrespect of forum rules and 2) it suggests that you don't spend lots of time on your work. So next time, try to space your posts out and write lots of critiques in between!

To be, erm, brutally honest, I can say that this poem doesn't get good until the line "Love is like a book of Pittsburgh love stories." While the sentence uses "love" twice (ew), it's going somewhere. It's specific. Previous to this, the poem was a long line of things that you're trying to tell us love "is". Listy poems like this rarely go anywhere. Why? Because it's the speaker babbling to the reader. Don't forget about your reader.

Instead of trying to tell us that love is ALL OF THESE THINGS, pick one thing. I suggest "a book of Pittsburgh love stories". Discuss a book of Pittsburgh love stories; discuss a situation involving two people who are in love. But let your reader figure things out for him/herself. Don't just say "Love is like a book of Pittsburgh love stories BECAUSE...." Poetry is a puzzle best put together by poet and reader together.

Also, nix the italics. Italic is meant to emphasize; it's kind of pointless to put the whole piece in it.

-Colleen

Hey! Unlike Cade, I liked this. It had a nice ring to it, all though the Love is...got kinda repetitive. That was the point you were driving for, no?

Anyway,

"Love has many different chapters"

I loved this line. It was very good!!!!

Ok, this poem was really good and I can't wait to read more of your stuff!

BBB

I agree with Cade; shopping list poetry like this gets pretty dull by the third line. The problem is that by listing things in the same way each time, you're burying any insight or emotional impact your poem may have (and boring the reader silly). There is absolutely no beauty to a poem written in this way. While it's fine for school assignments and such, it reads more like a brainstorm or (as I said) a shopping list than a work of art. Moreover, it doesn't give the reader any room to exercise their imagination. There is nothing to visualise, nothing to experience, nothing to explore. Try using some different sentences, expanding on your ideas and going deeper into what they mean and what they are associated with. Like "a book of Pittsburg love stories". How is love like a book of love stories, apart from the obvious? What makes these love-stories special and different, aside from the fact that they come from Pittsburg? Are they tragic? Do they have happy endings? How can you represent these without merely telling your reader about them? You're on the right track with the concept of "love having different chapters" but you need to go further with that idea. What chapters? Show them to me. Describe them!

Love means many different things to many different people. Therefore, it's important that you don't try to think for your reader and tell them what something is because their response will be two-dimensional - either they will agree, in which case you will have told them nothing new, or they will disagree, in which case you will probably bore them. Instead, try to convince them, subtly, that your experience/vision/whatever is love.

Above all else, I would recommend you read some poetry. Emily Dickinson, e. e. cummings, Robert Frost...there are some awesome poets out there. Examine their work closely, get a feel for rhythm, rhyme, imagery and the like and then apply your insights to the topics you want to explore, and I think you'll find your poetry will improve a great deal. And, of course, practice, practice, practice!

Cheers,
~bubbles

The title was awesome... the rest simply droned on. Pick your favorite line (I suggest the one the title is named after) and describe it, using pretty imagery and concrete examples. Then it'll be much prettier.