rezzycub

She left me
vulnerable, like that;
naked, bare skin receptive
to the heat.
People call that
intimacy.
It reminded me of
picking up the phone, shaking.
"It's been three days
I know this is crazy -but
I love you."

We were anything, but hasty.
We were slow
and shaking,
at every moment;
feeling for hesitation
from the other,
feeling for the broken parts that hurt.

thoughts freeze as
instinct screams:
stop!

my lips falter
to say: no
my body tenses,
curling in. it hopes if
i'm small,
i'll be ignored.

that big overwhelming presence,
heavy and hot,
will go away.
it doesn't.

he's smiling,
thinking that it's all okay.
my hand pushes him away,
but he looms over me.

panicked, my eyes fall
to the ground -they
don't dare look around for help.

please stop.

he asks, "you can dance, but you can't hug?"
a part of me dies -every time.

intent means nothing
thousands of miles away:
you know, i hate physical intimacy

for you, i would give you the
tenderest hug. it breaks my
heart to know that intent is
nothing more than words and a wish.

a deep seated wish
in my heart, that i
could be of my word.

delivering that hug with a
soft smile -blush on my
cheeks, embarassed now that i see
your dark eyebrow rises.

it poses the question: "are you . . . all right?"

I deflect and defuse.
I resort to snarky words with irony
to kill any affection.

Affection is born in the heart;
coursing through the body
to the brain.
And that's the problem.

i curled into a ball.
i felt so small.

she entrusted me with
her world
rife with broken pieces:
promises not kept, hurt,
and everything sacred.

she trusts me.
tears rushed to my eyes,
i wanted to cry.

words left her lips:
thick and sweet
like honey.

my head urged,
silence her with a kiss.
nothing you could say
will ever be as heartfelt.

my heart cried;
tell her you love her,
fumble and try.
she's known you for years
this is nothing new, try.

she's a bundle of good intentions
nipping at my heels.

when i hurt and hide
she demands for names
baring her milk teeth
too small to be fierce

the cause of death is breathing
no one's sure until you stop

i hold my breath, sometimes
other times, someone takes it away;
unexpected words or gestures

somehow, i survive

kt left me breathless after three hours
rolling on my back, breathing hard
i never told her that i love her
i was busy recovering my breath

i wasn't ready to die back then

sleep is an illusion
evading me with each restless roll
it promises respite
sweet dreams

consciousness -the reality
tangible
unflinching
anxiety skyrockets

yellow dog
my friends
my lover

reach out
for a sign of trust
touch

skin on skin
intimacy

give me sleep
skin on comforters

give me a dream

we can't talk
you can't breath

it's a mix of a wheeze and a last breath
i thought you were a dying dog
sweet, loving, and on its last leg

alone in bed, there's silence
it reminds me of when i lived alone
no smiles, no laughter. . . just me

it's deafening
i call to hear that laugh
sometimes, i don't

i break the silence
with gasping sobs

john assures me
i'm going to be all right

i laughed.

i told the truth;
knowing,
it would break my mother's heart.
her aspirations for me as a pioneer
brought back memories.

i plowed the snow with sheer will.
nothing more than a child, i returned
to take johny's hand: let's go play.
i cleared the way.

her heart fell with the revelation
it fell like the word from her lips:

oh.

kerplunk!
i blinked from the splash,
tears.
in the ripples,
i saw myself
in those waters
as a distortion.