Mental Health

why cant what i create be liked? why cant it be loved? why cant it stand out enough? why cant it be significant enough to be noticed and liked? why does it have to be forgettable like i am? why does it just have to be "fine" like i am? im just provened its not ever good enough, not as good as i thought not as good as i wished it could fucking be just like me. i get it i get it i fet it

being in high school is sometimes like "whatever you can do, there's a girl in lululemon who is already doing it much better and is side-eyeing you the entire time"

would’ve been 15 months clean in just two days *sigh*

my relationship with food has been pretty bad lately. i feel like its been weird for a a long long time, but its just gotten worse as time goes on. everytime i eat something, i end up just regretting it rlly badly and my stomach hurts. i dont enjoy it like i used to and i cant seem to eat anything without looking at how many calories is in it (and obsessing over it) and i feel like i'm not deserving of food unless i "earn" it. its an on and off thing bc some days i will eat whatever and feel extreme regret later and even cry and feel disgusting. then other days i avoid food as much as i can. i cannot avoid meals entirely despite wanting to bc my parents are around when i eat breakfast and dinner and i just know they would be mad if they found out. and ik all of this is probably bad for me, but I cant help it.

I love my teeth, I love the shape of my eyes and slight wave of my hair... I hate the shape of my face it's too round! It's too round... it's not elegant.. it's not long enough... I wish my hair colour was a light brown, you see the colour brown goes with everything compared to blonde. I wish my eyes weren't blue, I wish they were also a light brown. I wish I didn't look so stereotypically 'white' when it comes to those things. I wish I was just only a little bit slimer, but alas.. I can't control my appetite. They tell I don't eat that much, really? Candies, cookies, sandwiches and bread with nutella! And it's not much? In my eyes it's a week's worth that I've eaten.. a month's worth! Maybe I'm simply delusional?

I've been taking Spanish since I was in first grade and loved it, but ever since I reached high school and started doing university/college Spanish concurrent enrollment classes, everything is terrible.
The class is set up in a way that doesn't make sense to me, we don't do anything fun anymore, the teacher doesn't listen to me, and I'm constantly forced to talk to people I don't know in a foreign language. All my years of elementary school and junior high Spanish were with the same kids and I never realized just how terrifying it is for me to speak to people I don't know in Spanish. It's really bad for my anxiety. I cry in almost every single class period for one reason or another and I just wish it would stop.
I'm sick of being the crybaby in school, I'm sick of not being able to handle the smallest changes, I'm sick of shutting down when I have to talk to/work in groups with people I'm not familiar with. I'm so, so sick of it.
It's not even that I can't speak Spanish — I've been learning it since first grade and even if my conjugation isn't perfect all the time, I still got a 5 on my AP Spanish Lang test freshman year! I can speak Spanish. I just... feel like I can't. I get into my own head about it and feel like if I can't remember all the words and conjugate perfectly every time I open my mouth, I shouldn't speak at all. So then I lose participation points. And then I lose points when we have to talk in groups. And then I cry and have anxiety attacks and don't have enough time to finish my assignments. I was only able to make it through last year because I had some friends in the class who sat across from me and who I could talk to and group up with, but they quit after the school year ended because they also hated it, so now I'm alone.
I can't quit because I want to get college credit, I want to get my school's honors diploma that you need certain language requirements for, and I want to keep being able to speak Spanish. I've worked for this since first grade, and I don't want to let my anxiety get in the way of it. But I find no joy in it anymore. I get so nervous when I speak Spanish now that I feel like my language skills have worsened since I started high school. I don't think I can take another year of this.
And now my teacher is disregarding my 504 plan that gives me extra time to do assignments due to my anxiety, so I had to make an appointment with my school counselor to discuss what to do about Spanish class. And even the thought of talking to my counselor about it makes me feel anxious because I know she thinks college is the most important thing ever and she'll probably tell me to just suck it up and stay in it because it'll be worth it in the end for the credits. But it's causing me so much emotional distress that I don't know if it's even worth it anymore.
I just... I don't know what to do. I could try joining the beginning Spanish classes my high school has in order to maintain some of my language skills, but I've already completed those levels and I'd still have to talk with people I'm not familiar with. I don't know what to do. Hopefully talking with my counselor will actually help? Ugh.

I don't hate my life, not at all! I'm just.. bored of it... I wish life was more exciting, I wish people (and myself) looked like 2D stylized (yet not at all gross) animation characters... I wish I could control reality is what I want... I don't like how I look, then I do.. but how I look naturally doesn't reflect how I feel inwardly personality wise...

Deja vu... I'm sick of the mundane!! I want something cinematic!! I've always wanted to be able to shapeshift back and forth as animals to my human self again but something that would really work with all my whims is controlling reality!! Maybe I just have "reality dysmorphia" well... having a label would be better than having nothing... having something dramatic! Autism, ADHD!! OOOHHH THE DRAMA!!! This may sound insensitive but again remember I'm only being honest with my feelings. I love having external validation!!! I can't take when my notifications are empty, I get such a rush when I see it with even one notification!