Chapter 1
"Hello everybody, I'm the narrator."
"We know that already........Just get on with the story you freak!"
"Who called me a freak?!?!"
"I did."
"Get him out of here!.....NOW!!!..Now..what was I saying?"
One day, a little girl, an evil little girl, who tried to kill her parents because they were so mean to her that they wouldn't let her have anything she wanted. But then one day, her parents actually let her have anything she wanted....so she got everything she wanted in the stores and the malls.
But then her mom and dad were broke now, so they said to her "No more stuff until we get enough money for you to buy more stuff okay?"
She said with a little sacrasim "Well...I guess that could be okay for now...but you better keep your promise, okay!"
"Oh.....don't worry...we will dear!" said the mother and father hoping that she would forget this promise. Unfortunately the Little girl didn't forget the promise even though she was happy with all of her stuff that she had just gotten from the stores and malls. She loved all of her stuff so much that she had to scatter every single item she got on her bedroom floor. after her mom and dad got more money..she only wanted three more items from the mall. All three of those items are expensive....the only thing she knows is that the three items are really expensive and she knows that no one else can afford such items with their own money. She want to be the most popular girl in school there ever was with all of her cool stuff that she got just recently.
While she is thinking of those three items that are so expensive, about a day later she finally figures out what she wants. She wants one laptop, a MAC, another laptop, a Toshiba, and then an ipod to go with the two laptops.
During this time, she figures out two more items she wants and she asks her parents "Mom..dad..can I get my own cell phone and my own phone for my room?" Her parents think about it for a few minutes.
They say, "Uhhhh......dear. We don't think that you should get your own cell phone right this very day. You're only in the fifth grade. We don't think that you're ready to have your own cell phone yet. You can still get your own phone for your room though."
"Ohhh...fine," she says sarcastically. As long as she is very happy about her two computers and ipod, then she is okay. She is very tempted to steal some money and go buy herself her cell phone, but then she would get in trouble because in order to keep the cell phone, she would have to pay the bill for it and her parents would know about tit. If her parents found out that she bought her own cell phone, then she knows that all of her stuff that she just got will go back to the stores with a cash refund. If that happened, then she would be depressed for about two years with a lot of guilt inside her. She would feel so guilty that she would start committing suicide to herself. The most concerned suicide attempt she would do is wrapping a rope around her neck and jump off of the highest bridge or the highest building in the United States. If she could go outside the country, then she would go to Paris, France and ump off of the Eiffel Tower. That is what she would do if she ever bought her own cell phone without her parents knowing.
Chapter 2
About two years later, her parents decided that she was mature enough to have her own cell phone. They took her to go choose which cell phone she wants...she's not sure what type of cell phone she wants to get. Her and her parents went to three different stores for a cell phone. They went to Sprint, Nextel, and T-Mobile. When they were at T-Mobile, she finally found the right cell phone she wanted. Once her parents go her cell phone plus their cell phones, they all exchanged numbers with each other. About two months later, the girl made their cell phone bill really high by texting a lot of her friends and talking on her phone a lot. Her family didn't sign up for the family share plan at T-Mobile.
The mom said "Honey! Do you think we should sign up for the family share plan? Cause then maybe our bill won't be so high next time."
"Sure. I think that would be a great idea," said the father. The very next day, the mother and father went back to T-Mobile so they could sign up for the family share plan. When the next day came around, her parents told her that they switched plans.
"Does this mean that I can't text anymore?!" said the girl in a shocked look at her parents.
"You can still text your friends....The good news is that our phone bill won't be so high in price next time," said the mother in a very calm matter. Her mom hates her texting to her friends a lot. Even during school hours. Her mom doesn't know how she doesn't get caught texting her friends during school hours. Her mom doesn't know how she does it so very discreet. No teacher has caught her texting to her friends. Finally, one, she got caught texting one of her friends at school. She got her phone taken away. First from the teacher and then from her parents. Her cell phone was taken away for two weeks. If has to use the phone, then she would have to use her bedroom phone.
Probably all your mistakes have been pointed out, so I'm not going to repeat anything. I just wanted to say that I liked it xD, even if at times it was a little tough reading it because of the mistakes. Also, you need to format (spaces between paragraphs).
Some of your sentences aren't quite clear, for an example,
One day, a little girl, an evil little girl, who tried to kill her parents because they were so mean to her that they wouldn't let her have anything she wanted.
What to say? This may be you're style of writing - that's good, style matters - however it was very difficult to read. I don't mean to sound like a hag - but this piece needs some major work, besides grammar - which I can forgive in all good time. It feels very rushed - something one might write at a very young age to impress his higher ups.
You seem to take a lot of serious issues lightly. I can see you're attempting black humor, which is a risky subject to pull off - I think you could, but it'll need some work. Perhaps you're not, but that was the feel that I got from this. The characters seem to me like used saran wrap - they could have potential to cover the meat of this story - however they come off as very thin and colorless. It feels like you didn't consider the dialog - remember that dialog is often a key in a type of work like this where detail is at a minimum - I've read lots of brilliant books where the highlights of the story were kept between characters without description - I think that seems to be you're path and with some work you could get some level out of this piece.
You might have just started writing - and if you did I'll suggest that instead of reworking this piece - maybe start new but keep the idea - therefore you won't be stuck within the walls of one precise piece but you'll have you're foundation worked out. Again, I didn't mean to sound judgmental, it's simply my opinion as a reader. Good luck x|3
Welcome to TYWS! I LOVED the narrator into thingy. It made me laugh.
I don't really have a lot of time to critique, but I enjoyed reading this.
Although, I did not like the way you begin, using "One day". It's like "Once upon a time". I dislike both.
Ugghh! No time.
"If has to use the phone, then she would have to use her bedroom phone." Wasn't appealing to me either. I don't quite understand it. I think it might be a typo.
I really don't like your style of writing too much.
Got to go and help with something, I might be back later for more help.
Pandora
I'll summarize what I read.
The intro.
And that... needed so many punctuation fixings... I wrot elike this when either I'm in a hurry and they're only notes or when I was in 2nd grade and though exclamation points were cool because they emphasised.
Elipsis's are only 3 periods.
---Elizabeth
I didn't read anything above, so sorry if I'm repeating!
It was very...immature? Not to be cruel, no no. You tried, and that's whats important, yes? Several sentences made no sense, and some had improper words/punctuation which made them hard to keep up with. I suggest reading over it a few times to try and find these things yourself.
The characters are real flat, and the story is just....a story. No real climax or anything. A lot of it gave me the impression that it was kind of a joke to you (like the suicide thing) But maybe I'm wrong? If you really want to try to turn this into something great, I suggest you go out and buy book about writing, those were very helpful for me and now I write well, I think.
Another suggestion (Since I'm guessing you're a 'beginner' writer) is to read, read, and read more! But read good books, no foolish things, to a certain extent. Analyze how other people write things, and it will help you out.
Besides what Imp already stated, this seemed a little cliche to me. There was waaaay too many grammar mistakes for me to even count, but I know that that isn't the main focus-just thought I'd point that out! 
Make the plot a little more interesting. Sounds like a typical story to me.
There's something amusing and straightforward about the off-the-cuff abandon of this piece--ridiculously random. ^_^ 'Seems a fun sort of thing to write.
It's almost impossible to sift through for an outside reader though. Punctuation has fallen out, been forgotten. Sentences run-on. You change tense in the middle of sentences (was to is, etc.) and seem to forget bits before finishing and go on to the next thought.
Write it out once; then try reading it over, aloud perhaps, and see how it sounds. Check for typos and punctuation. At the moment, it's got lots of flippant enthusiasm and mockingly Aesop-like tone as far as "mesage". The humour is going to give it a nice boost. But no reader will understand much of something scattered and unedited.
A few examples here...
One day, a little girl, an evil little girl, [s]who[/s] tried to kill her parents because they were so mean to her that they wouldn't let her have anything she wanted
She would feel so guilty that she would start committing suicide to herself. The most concerned [concerted? intense? ] suicide attempt she would [s]do[/s] try is wrapping a rope around her neck and jump off of the highest bridge or the highest building in the United States. If she could go outside the country, then she would go to Paris, France and ump off of the Eiffel Tower. That is what she would do if she ever bought her own cell phone without her parents knowing.
The narrator part might have helped you start writing, but it should get deleted after you've finished.
I moved this from non-fiction. Stories are fiction unless they are true. Then it's non-fiction. If you make it up, it's fiction.
Notes on dialogue:
[s]"Uhhh..."[/s] should be "Uh..."
[s]"Ohh..."[/s] should be "Oh..."
Notes on elipses:
An elipse has "..." no more, no less.
120,357 Literary Works • 649,564 Reviews
Points: 14170
Reviews: 571
Donate