Young Writers Society

This is a really good story. The part about the drug called Paranoia is pretty good too. The only thing I would suggest is, since your are setting this in the future and on earth, you should make things a bit more realistic (if that's part of your intent). If your intent is more to give a message through exaggeration, however, just ignore the rest of this.

1. All the Nuclear bombs in the world may be able to wipe out all life on Earth, but it would take more bombs than that to make an entire continent an Island.
2. If no allies are made then chances are no single targets would be bombed at once. I would suggest that you make it random chaotic bombing.
3. Change the world powers. Chances are years from now the world powers that exist today will not be the same as in the future.
4. If poor are treated wrongly, make sure they rebel at some point in the story. History has shown a trend of the common man going from complacent to belligerent toward higher classes. When taxes were too high in England in 18th century, for example, there were riots.

very good potential, but there is one thing: show, don't tell. it's pretty self-explanetory. the MC is telling what happened. Why not put them (or someone else) in the action as it was going on?? it makes the story more interesting (not that i'm saying its not; i very much enjoyed it!!) and gives it a sens eof doing, not just telling. but, a very good start!! keep it up!

The breeze tousled my hair and I inhaled the scent of pine cones.

Autumn was never this beautiful. The leaves were never vibrant colors, only ashy gray from the nuclear waste in the air. Humans may have adapted to the waste, but plants never could.

It all began a few years ago when all countries broke off their alliances and started a massive war.

Now all that remains of it is a tiny, charred island.

Next to fall were Poland, Iraq, and many other smaller countries that either didn’t have the proper armies or were too poor to afford one.

England, New Zealand, China, and Japan.

Paranoia was a drug named after one of its most common side effects. Some other minor side effects included a thirst for blood, delusions, lack of empathy, and a black mark, starting on the lower side of the neck and spreading as time wore on. But, many people were willing to go through these effects for what the drug really offered them: invincibility. For a short amount of time, you could do anything you wanted without risk of getting killed or mortally wounded. Paranoia was another mistake in my opinion. The need for this drug would drive people to extreme measures and probably tear us apart.

This time, he made it so that the drug’s effects never wore off, otherwise known as immortality.

It caused horrible face disfigurations and immense pain.

So, it was agreed that the drug could be tested on the poor. A lot of people don’t see the cruelty in this, like me. But, the people would do anything to get their immortality.

I think it’s disgusting, and so do many other people. But there isn’t enough who follow me. There aren’t enough people to challenge the law.

~nariel~ wrote:

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Intro: A World Torn Apart
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The leaves spiraled down towards the cement in a fiery torrent of color. The breeze tousled my hair and I inhaled the scent of pine cones. I took my time, breathing in and breathing out. There would never be another moment like this one, I was sure of it. Autumn was never this beautiful. The leaves were never vibrant colors, only ashy gray from the nuclear waste in the air. Humans may have adapted to the waste, but plants never could.

Earth had changed.

It all began a few years ago when all countries broke off their alliances and started a massive war. No one really knew how it all started, but now, it doesn’t really matter. North America fell first. It was subjected to countless nuclear attacks and was completely obliterated. Now all that remains of it is a tiny, charred island. No one thought to take it off the map. I guess they wanted to leave it there, as a reminder of what death and destruction really was.

Hey!

1) This story is really interesting, and I definitely recommend continuing it.
2) Unlike Dreami, I don't think this is too info-dumpy at all - Peter F. Hamilton has so much history at the beginnings of most of his space opera novels that you're drowned in it - ergo, I think this prologue might warrant just a little more science! ^^
3) Below are my suggestions and corrections - not that you need many!

----------------------

The leaves spiraled down towards the cement in a fiery torrent of color. The breeze tousled my hair and I inhaled the scent of pine cones. I took my time, breathing in and breathing out. There would never be another moment like this one, I was sure of it. Autumn was never this beautiful. The leaves were never vibrant colors, only ashy gray from the nuclear waste in the air. Humans may have adapted to the waste, but plants never could. ------- Excellent, excellent, excellent beginning! ---------------

Earth had changed. ----------- that simple sentence was what made me continue reading. ------

It all began a few years ago when all countries broke ---- "broke off" ------ their alliances and started a massive war. No one really knew how it all started, but now, it doesn’t really matter. North America fell first. It was subjected to many ---- instead of many, try "countless" -------- nuclear attacks and was completely obliterated. Now, <---- comma unneeded ------ all that remains of it is a tiny, charred island. No one thought to take it off the map. I guess they wanted to leave it there, as a reminder of what death and destruction really was <---------- *claps* ---------.

When the other countries saw what happened to North America they decided to form a truce <------- I don't think it would have happened that easily. Think about it in today's perspectives. If USA blew up, say, France, would everyone suddenly drop all and declare a true with the US of A? I think you should say something like, "North America was only the beginning. China, the worlds other superpower was next. The devastation was horrendous, worse than Horoshsima (cannot spell for the life of me). It took over a decade for the remaining broken and tired countries to bind together in a weary truce" -------------. On the remaining continents ------ what of the islands? --------, they formed three new countries: Wavern, Atlantika, and Jude. I thought that that was a huge mistake. People want independence and have different beliefs, they don’t want to be crowded under one banner for too long --------- also, how did the country leaders decide unanimously on a name for the country, and a ruler? ----------.

Two years after the truce, Atlantika, a so-called perfect society, decided to break away from the two other countries, convinced that they were too good for them ---------- everything was so scientific and awesome until you said "too good for them" there has to be a better reason. Maybe a revolution? A plague, and they were deliberately cut off? Maybe they wanted to hold onto their natural resources and not share their bounty? -----------. Wavern and Jude were upset -------- again a weak word in such wonderful writing ---------, but none wanted to argue -------- here explain why. Was Atlantika a bigger nation? With more weapons? ------------. Atlantika was on its own. ---------- Also, I like the names you've chosen, but I think it would be more realistic if the continents kept their old names - like, say, England became New England - then you give the reader a more realistic mind map ---------

Slowly, the world rebuilt itself and the healing process began. Scientists made new discoveries and technology became a huge part of all the countries --------- doesn't sound right, maybe "Scientists renewed their efforts, starting nearly from scratch, discovering new technologies that filled in old gaps, and the New World was laid out for scientists, urging the three continents in a race of technology" -------------. But, <------ comma unneeded --------- something stood out amongst all the new things; a drug called Paranoia. It would soon become something that tore the world apart once again.

Paranoia was a drug named after one of its most common side effects. Some other minor side effects included a thirst for blood, delusions, lack of empathy, and a black mark on the lower side of the neck ------ black marks should be everywhere - chickenpox doesn't just stay on your arms, it spreads everywhere ------------. But, many people were willing to go through these effects for what the drug really offered them: invincibility. For a short amount of time, you could do anything you wanted without risk of getting killed or mortally wounded. Paranoia was another mistake in my opinion. The need for this drug would drive people to extreme measures and probably tear us apart.

But what did they care?

My family was torn apart by Paranoia. My father’s addiction to it made him crazy and soon, my mother followed suit. I now live with two parents who, some days recognize me, while other days, I’m a stranger in their house. Day in and day out I listen to my parents babble nonsense, and each day the pain gets worse. But, it’s the world I live in. I can’t do anything to change it. ------------ this paragraph is weaker than the rest. . . -----------

As the years wore on the drug became more and more popular. But, for some, that wasn’t enough. A scientist, by the name of Vince Simmons came up with another formula for Paranoia. This time, he made it so that the drug’s effects never wore off, otherwise known as immortality.

The world went crazy. There was one flaw, though, in the drug. It caused horrible face disfigurations and immense pain. Vince ----- refer to him by his last name, not the first ----------- was determined to get rid of these side effects, but for starters, he needed to test it on actual people.

In Wavern, the poor had no rights. The government accepted this because they saw the poor as filthy hags -------- what kind of government? If this is a democracy, the people vote, and the government would not be allowed to act that way ---------. People could do what they pleased with the poor and no one would care. So, under the counsel of his team, Vince took poor families from their dirty apartments and tested on them.

Sadly, the world accepted this way of testing the drug, for they wanted their immortality badly -------- the world? What about the character here? He/she obviously objects, and there would be others-----------.

I think it’s disgusting. But, it shows me how powerful greed can be. That makes me want to fight harder, though, fight for what I want most…

Equality. ---------------- *claps* ----------------

-----------------------

Very good story!

And your first post, no less!

Looking forward to chapter one, and I hope I helped a little!

Cheers!

- jai -

Thanks Dreami.
Your advice was awesome. I didn't want a prologue, but I couldn't think of any way to weave the history about the different countries and stuff into my actual story. Plus, the whole drug thing will be part of my main plot. And yes, I think I could add more of the character's comments in between. I can't wait to write the first chapter!

Thanks,
Nariel

Not a bad start to a story. You definately have it down, it is rather info-dumpy to begin with. But I do like the strong opening, it catches the reader's interest, but then begins to drag in the rest of the prologue.

Personally, I would love if you could integrate this into the rest of your story. It sounds like a rather interesting plot, I want to see the first chapter. If you can write it like that opening paragraph, it will be great.

Maybe a good way to make it less info-dumping is to get your character's feelings into the history more? Maybe have him make comments? I don't know.

- Dreami
[Critiques of my own pieces are always welcome! ^.^]