Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

For every moment of every day I have questioned what death tastes like. I close my eyes, envision the blood pouring down my spine. Where will I go when earth no longer supports me?

I have waited for this moment, so long. Waited for ripened opportunity to turn the bend and meet me. And now it has. My thumb slips back on the trigger. My memory flashes back to the day I bought the gun. Only two weeks ago, I stood among the cases and cases of shinning death, making my last decisions carefully. More pain, less time. Hours I stood, the young store clerk waiting, waiting for me to leave, but there I stood, from the time the first light of dawn crept onto the open sign, from the moment until I was the last customer, alone, vague. I pull harder onto the trigger, any moment now...any moment. My memory once again has taken me back over fifteen years ago. The divorce, Jimmy's death, the war. Family picnics where I was just "Luke," not "the physo." Emily's birth, the custody case....no, I can't take it anymore. It's over. It's over. I release my thumb. Wait to die. Seconds now.....the gun is not loaded. In my utter rush to finish it all, I did not even remember to load the fucking gun. Shit. Well, there you have it. By the time I find the bullets to load the gun, someone will find out about my attempts. Damn it. Another failure in a long line of treachery. Stupid Luke. Can't do anything right. Can't even kill himself.

Hello there. This may be a shorter review as this is pretty short in size itself, but I suppose I'll see where this goes.

First, I wish this was longer, especially to build upon what drove Luke to this decision of, sadly, a suicide attempt. I think that the character here isn't too developed and the reader is kind of shoved into his head and had all of this information dumped on them that there's really not much of a moment to connect to Luke and understand his feelings.

There are a few awkward lines of this story, including the starting sentence, as I think it seems a little jarring in a random scene using the present tense. A mixture of the present and past tenses don't really aid the confusion that can set in for the reader as there are so many things thrown about that it almost plays like a television show's finale instead of a short story that usually tend to try to be precise and have some kind of ending.

I do like having the flashes of past things, but I want them expanded on, even if it was like showing them to the reader and having a bunch of small scenes with Luke reacting to them before and after. I suppose Emily is a relative/his daughter, which I think would be interesting to see/learn more of that as well, since that the birth of one's child is usually really big in someone's life.

There are some neat lines in here as well, with more of the imagery feel, almost making this sound poetic. I'm curious as to how this would be as a poem instead of a condensed single paragraph for the most part. That might be a fun way of reflecting on this story and this character, in particular, to better connect this person's life.

Finally, I'm curious as to why Luke thinks he's gonna be found out even though he hadn't really mentioned knowing/having many friends in the current time? Interesting.

Overall, I find this pretty sad but I'd be curious to see this more developed.

This sounded like the end of a story rather than something that can stand on its own. Perhaps it would be interesting to delve deeper into the life of this character and explore what lead up to this moment so it really hits the reader when he does die.

We are sorry. Inquisitor, Zentillius, and Meshalidar have been suspended due to mendacious and pathetic behavior. Please excuse him.