Published December 30, 2007
I watched my mother with the most bored expression I could make as she turned a full circle in a wedding dress. She looked at me smiling.
"So what do you think?" asked my mother as she turned this way and that some more. I gave her an unsatisfied shrug, rolling my eyes, slightly. Mother sighed, frowning at me before turning to the woman who stood patiently by her side.
"I think this is the one, but it just needs to be tighter around the waist. It feels way to loose," said my mother, giving the woman a smile that didn't reach her eyes.
"Of course," said the woman bobbing her head up a down. As she started fixing my mother's dress, I looked away towards the open door as Kay, my mini unicorn, came trotting in.
Kay is just like a normal unicorn. She has the same silky coat and smooth spiral horn on her forhead. She is just the size of a cat.
"Adine, did you finally actually say yes?" asked Kay as she sat in front of me. I made a face.
No, my mom just decided not to listen to me after I said no to all the dresses she tried on before. I thought.
"Good thing she did or else your mother would have been marrying Ray in a cemetery," she teased.
"You will not speak his name in my presence!" I whispered furiously. I hated that man. He would be another mistake, obviously, but like always, my mother never sees it coming.
He had an unusual scent, disgusting anyways. Something was not right about him either. Everything he did seem to be a lie. Not real as if he was acting out the whole thing. My mother fell for him anyways. I scowled at nothing as I thought of all the things I hated about Ray. I did not want him to be my father!
Kay chuckled, reading my thoughts.
"I agree," she said. Kay hated him too as much as I did. He thinks of Kay as an annoying pest. When my mom is around he acts as though Kay is the most adorable thing in the world and he pets her in a way that makes her skin crawl.
My mother already somehow had changed back into her normal day clothes and was thanking the woman. I slowly started walking towards my mother, relieved that it was over.
“Have a good day!” said the woman when I reached my mother’s side. My mother smiled and we left the room.
I groaned as I saw Ray waiting in the waiting room, sprawled one of the too soft couches, reading a magazine. He looked up from the magazine, his expression nonchalant. Suddenly he smiled, very big, probably fake, as though he just remembered to do it.
“How was it? Did you find something you liked?” he asked too cheerfully as he got up and walked to us.
“Yes! I found a perfect dress!” exclaimed my mother. She continued into explaining how the dress was like all the way to the parking lot. I rolled my eyes and looked at Kay as she too rolled her eyes.
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140,914 Literary Works • 673,732 Reviews
wow, that was pretty good, i like the normal problems like getting a step father put into (what im asuming because of the unicorn) a fantasy world
Well I have to say this is not one of my favorite posts... I thought I would like it because there was so many reviews on it. I agree with Stella, you should say a lot more about it.
Other than that, it was... "okay."
First of all, very nice descrpitions.
The thing I don't anderstand is, what is Kay exactly? A mini unicorn? What's that? it kind of explains it, but actually describe it a little more
The mother seems really stupid marrying a guy like Ray, make it seem more realistic, unless you want the mother to be stupid looking...
Hello,
Now, onto your crit:
You seem like a newbie--Welcome to YWS!
Alright, I'm not sure if this is the beginning but, it seems to be like an excerpt rather than a chapter. I mean, as a reader, I don't know anything about why Kay was there or. what land they were in. Is it normal to have a unicorn as a pet??
Kay and Ray is a tad confusing but it doesn't seemed to be like a problem. All in a ll, a good idea but you need to be careful in choosing words..Don't be too wordy.
Question: The MC is Adine, right?
The plot is a good idea at the moment because, we don't really know anything except for the fact that the MC doesn't like her mother marrying Ray. The mother seems to be an airhead, can't she notice her own daughter's discontent?? Can't comment on Ray because he only appeared towards the end but, he seems pretty rude.
When you start a paragraph with my mother, you can use She in the next sentence instead of saying my mother....Small things like that can make a difference! Well then, hope I didn't bore you!
Good luck with the rest and PM me with any questions, comments, or concerns.
Cheers,
--starry.
I think you should change the names. Ray and Kay are so similar, they're bound to cause confusion later on.
It's good, but can I say one thing? You say "mini unicorn" as if it's the most normal thing in the world. Make more of a fuss about it, it's not something we see every day.
This was really fun to read! Everyone else already pointed out all the spelling and grammer mistakes so I won't write about that.
This story kind of went by fast, and I agree with bigbadbear that the characters right now seem too plain. I think you got Ray's character pretty good. Just work on the daughter and mother's a little bit more.
Other that it was very good!
Keep writing!
I can't wait till your next post!
No they are not vampires.
I'm not sure what they are yet, but Ray is human. Adine and the mother are not. Only Kay can read minds and she a a mini-unicorn...wait did I write that in? Ooo I have to add it if I didn't!
Hey! This was a fun story to read! Below are the mistakes I stumbled on (hardly any at all! *shock horror*):
--------------------
I watched my mother with the most bored expression I could make as she turned a full circle in a wedding dress. She looked at me smiling.
"So what do you think?" asked my mother ----- you've already said it was your mother so you don't have to use it again here ------- as she turned this way and that some more. I gave her an unsatisfied shrug, rolling my eyes, <---- comma unneeded ------ slightly. Mother sighed, frowning at me before turning to the woman who stood patiently by her side.
"I think this is the one, but it just needs to be tighter around the waist. It feels way to ----- too -------- loose," said my mother, giving the woman a smile that didn't reach her eyes.
. . . . .
He had an unusual scent, disgusting anyways <------ not a word ------ . Something was not right about him either. Everything he did seem to be a lie. Not real as if he was acting out the whole thing. My mother fell for him anyways. I scowled at nothing as I thought of all the things I hated about Ray. I did not want him to be my father!
---------------
Hoped that helped a little!
I hope this continues, because it's interesting in it's own way
- jai -
Well, this was really good. One little thing though:
"It feels way to loose," said my mother, giving the woman a smile that didn't reach her eyes."
to = too.
Other than that:
This was pretty good. It went by really fast and we could enjoy the characters more if you gave us personality. At the moment they are all really plain. Maybe not the mother but the kids are. Give them some spice and make it fun!
After all, if we don't care about the characters, we don't care about the story!
BBB
This isn't a real crit. because I'm, like, uber tired so... That was really good. I only really have one Q: Are they vampires? Please answer me so that I can get that out of the way. Oh, and if they're not, why can they read minds???