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Young Writers Society



Lovely Waters #1

by ~Lashes~


Chapter 1

I glared at the tiled floor angrily avoiding anyone's gaze. My nails dug into the palm of my hands as my fist tightened.

"Ellie? Ellie! Where are your manners? They're leaving now," my mother whispered furiously. I quickly looked up before pasting on a fake smile. Mother was now hugging Mrs. Mcneeth as they exchanged some last words. I looked past him, avoiding his gaze. I felt him open his mouth and quickly kneeled down to hug his little sister. She clung to me, refusing to ever let go.

"Remember, you will always be Princess Olivia," I whispered into her ear and smiled. She squealed with delight and went skipping to her mother. I slowly stood and walked away; towards his younger brother. He was looking away shyly, hi long blond bangs covering his eyes.

"You still going to play army without me?" I asked smiling for real now. He nodded.

"Its not going to be that fun though," he mumbled. I chuckled and patted him on the head.

"Well, thats good to know."

Olivia then came by then and pulled him away begging him to chase her. Now I was alone with him. We just stood there niether of us knowing what to say.

"Well, I hope you like Minnisota," I finaly managed to say. He just nodded.

"So I guess this is goodbye, huh?" I asked, trying to sound casual.

"Yeah..."

Silence.

"Well, bye Jake," I said awkwardly, It felt weird to say it.

"Bye. And I'll keep practicing on my Moo-Moo!" he added jokingly. I laughed, glad that I was able to see that smile before he left.

In third grade, he used to make fun of my ballet dances and made up his own steps. One of them was called the Moo-Moo. It was stupid, but that little joke stuck with us.

Jake ran up to the rest of his family. They were already in line, getting ready to board the plane. He turned around to wave before disappearing into the untidy crowded line.

I frowned, unhappy that he would just remember me as a friend and would never know the secret

*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*()*

"Oh come on Ellie! Tell me the truth!" complained Miranda as she flopped onto her bed. She was furiously fanning herself with her notebook, trying to stay cool in the heat of the summer.

"What truth?" I asked, obviously playing dumb.

"What exactly happened at the airport?"

"I told you already! I said bye, he said something about the Moo-Moo, and the he left!" I replied, exasperated. She pouted

"Fine."

I breathed heavily.

"Hey Mir, want to come to the beach with me? I'm drying up." I sighed.

"When was the last time you went?" she asked worriedly.

"About six days ago..."

"Then you have to go now!" she demanded sitting up.

"So are you coming with me?"

"Yeah, sure..." She stood up grabbed her cellphone and skipped out the door. She may be sixteen, but she sure acted like a six year old. I followed her slowly, almost sulkily.

The beach was about a five minute walk from her apartment. That was convenient or else I would have been fried by now. I gained some energy when the ocean sent filled my senses. I followed it, hungry for it to wash away the sadness that I kept hidden. I stood at the edge of the ocean, the waves nearly reaching my toes. I was completely oblivious to the world that surrounded me; all I saw was the water.

"I'll be waiting here!" shouted Miranda from behind. I just gave a slight nod before walking into the cool thinkness of my home. I felt my legs melt together to become one. Slowly, my blue tail formed and before I knew it I was flying into the depth of the waters.


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181 Reviews


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Fri Jun 06, 2008 9:13 pm
elephantwalrus wrote a review...



Overall, I agree with the people who posted before me. It's an interesting idea, but you need to hook your reader or else they'll get bored. I might suggest changing around the circumstances, so that the most interesting part (the mermaid transformation) is nearer to the beginning.

I hope you write more of this! Let me know if you do, and I'll critique that as well. Keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions!




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Fri Jun 06, 2008 8:40 pm
Lady of Fire wrote a review...



This was really good, just a few things though:

I felt him open his mouth and quickly kneeled down to hug his little sister.


How can you feel someoe's mouth open?

I said awkwardly, It felt weird to say it.


If you are going to keep that one sentance, 'it' needs to be lowercased.

other than that, this was really good. keep it up!




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Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:36 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Hey, this was different! :D

A mermaid story...you never see those....

I must agree with KJ that your hook was kind of flat. You need to catch us and pull us in. Not just slowly pull us into your story. Readers loose interest that way.

Also, the part about him, and his sister and brother. I had to reread that a couple of times because at first, I though the "he" was her, thinking your MC was a boy! So yeah, you need ot make that clearer.

Otherwise, I'm guessing there is more than just this so when you post more, I would be happy to critique it!




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Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:16 pm
KJ wrote a review...



Hey. I'm just going to give you my overall impression, since I'm sure many people are going to critique this and I don't have too much time on my hands.

As a beginning, I think it's pretty weak. I wasn't getting a feel of your MC. I didn't find her believable. You didn't have anything that grabbed the reader, and pulled them in. I admit to skimming at some points.

So I would susggest a better hook, more in-depth look into your MC, and something else that will make this unique.

Good luck at editing.




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Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:24 am
alwaysawriter wrote a review...



You left off some letters on some of your words. Other than that, I can't think of anything else wrong with it. Was he the one that called her Moo-Moo? That part just confused me a little bit. I liked the imagery. One other thing:

I glared at the tiled floor angrily avoiding anyone's gaze. My nails dug into the palm of my hands as my fist tightened.

You don't have to add "angrily". You can tell just by saying that she glared at the floor to tell she was angry and by saying that her "nails dug into the palm of my hands as my fist tightened".
Good story.





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