Young Writers Society

I traveled so far to hear you voice
I rode to you on a stunning white horse #FF0000 ">This is very boring, and kind of long. Stunning is not a very good word for this line, deffinitly because thats not what horses are. A horse, gennerally, is more of the thing that men ride in on, and save the day with. Women (Parden me if your a guy, im just guessing by your avi and the tone of the poem), gennerally, are not the ones with the horses. #0000FF ">You came to me with your great white horse.
When I looked into your deep green eyes, #FF0000 ">Wait, his eyes are deep green? Don't you mean you looked deeply? #0000FF ">When I looked deeply into your green eyes
I saw that there were no lies #FF0000 ">Another boring line. Maybe shortening the length of the lines. It just seems to be too many words for such a small statement.
I wish I didn't know the truth #FF0000 ">This takes a few reads to get. Us as readers do not know the truth, and still don't know enough about the situation to even know that there is a truth at all.
I wish that we weren't through #FF0000 ">Weren't? Aren't would be a better word there.
But then again you never knew
How much I really felt for you #FF0000 ">Very, VERY cliche. This is said WAY too much. Just stay away from this line completely. Sure, it may sound sweet to him, but not too us. Originality is the key in love poems (along with it being romantic, which this poem is also lacking). Maybe try this: #0000FF ">That my feelings were all so true
So you must be thinking how we're through #FF0000 ">Didn't you alread say that a couple of lines ago? It was also the rhyme you used in the line before. Originality is a key in poems, overall. It is really bad if you not only use practically the same line about 3 lines down, but also rhyme it the same?! Wow.
If I never even had you #FF0000 ">This line screw up the rythm pretty bad. All of the other lines had about 4 beats to it, and on this one, even saying it very slow, it maxed ut at 3. Also, the line is pretty cliche. Just think of all the teenage love lines where they say "Oh baby, if I didn't have you..."
But what I know, you should too #FF0000 ">What is with these rhymes? You have way to much oo at the end. The rhyme has mannaged to change from AABBCC to AABBCCDDDDDDD. Try to change up some of these lines.
That is that I love you. #FF0000 ">That is that? That is that?! Wooow. Okay this line is very bad. There is so many other options, much better than what you used, that you could have used. #0000FF ">Baby, I love you. Honey, I love you.#0000FF "> I love you#FF0000 ">Cliche as it is, just a plain I love you would have worked better. These possiblities could go on for so much longer.