The door creaked to reveal a shadow cladding in a long gown sparkling brightly in the little light that was coming from the dying lamp. It moved slightly toward the lamp spreading suspicion and terror in the atmosphere. Whispering of the tree was echoing loudly in the silence. The room looked ghostly with each passing moment, darkness was swallowing it. The shadowy figure moved even closer to the lamp and stretched out a hand slowly and erased the existence of the quivering light.
“Erios,” whispered the shadow. The voice melted away in the light that filled the room. The carvings and paintings, murals and portraits covering the walls became visible. The shadow too was visible but now, instead of a shadow a lady wearing long silk gown appeared. She wore heavy necklaces around her finely carved neck and pins with beautiful stones set on them on the top of her head. Her hair long and sleek flew in the air as she walked toward the window.
“I know you are still there. Come in.” she spoke suddenly. A scream came from behind of the bed. The lady stretched her sleek hands and pulled the curtains so that the outside view was blocked. She moved gracefully and silently toward the bed and bent down. a terrified small face looked up as she stared and called out “ don’t fear me. I will do no harm to you. You can rest assured.” She saw the expression of fearfulness turn into shock. But soon the small child came out of the bed and clung around the lady sobbing.
“Artagal,” she spoke softly putting her hands around the little boy “isn’t it your name? The last son of lord Artagal of Jersunia?”
The small head shook in agreement. “You speak supura? Supura blesses you. Supura seeks you.”
The lady smiled, “no it’s not me, the one that you talk off. Supura hadn’t blessed anyone in this family since the revival of Jasan. It’s the daughter that I carry, that is blessed.” She placed her hand on her stomach.
“But you mustn’t remain here any longer. The presence of different spirit will be detected very soon. Hurry I will help you. Take this,” she said handing over to him a small ring embedded with a crest. “One day a person will need your help and for that I’m helping you. It’s an heirloom, protect this and…..
‘Why you help me?” the small eyes reached the larger ones seeking reassurance of some kind.
The lady looked at the boy for some time and then spoke with a smile “so that you survive.”
The boy grabbed the ring and with a silent swish of the air vanished into thin air. The lady looked at that place for some time and then she fell down on the ground losing all her senses. silence covered the room for the next few hours.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey, Chrissy here for a review!
Is this your first work? Wow! Good job. A couple nitpicks first.
You're just saying that the door creaked. You never say it opened.
Too many and's mess with the flow. You might want to try doing it a little different. Like this...
You want to look for different ways to write things. Putting it down in an different order can change the way it sounds, make it more visual, help with the flow of the words. Keep working at it. You'll get the hang of it.
I don't think that flew really belongs in there. Maybe floated?
Okay, wouldn't he hesitated before he reached out? Or at least do it slowly? And another thing. Want did the ring look like? We know it had a crest on it, but what did the crest look like? Was the ring made of silver or gold?
That's it! You are really good at putting images in peoples heads. When you were talking about her hands, I could see them, reaching out towards him. Slim and white. Very nice.
Keep writing! I'll try to review your next piece when you post it.
thank for the review i really enjoyed it. the faults are making my hands itchy and they give me inspiration to write more and more. and please do review my next piece of work. thank you, thank you very much.
Hey zufi, Firefly here for a review! First off, welcome to YWS! So glad you could be a part of our community here.
Alright, on to your review! You have an interesting idea here; it's original and also vague to keep me wanting to read on. However, there are a few things in addition to grammar mistakes that I would like to point out.
OK, so the first thing I want to point out is that you have a lot of description in this first paragraph. I appreciate you wanting to set the scene for your readers, but some of the words you use tend to overdo it here. For example, in the last sentence it takes you 23 words to describe the figure turning off a lamp, when the same action can easily be done in 13 without seeming clogged. Sometimes simplicity is better; let your readers' imaginations fill in the blanks!
Another thing I'd like to mention is consistency. In the first sentence of this paragraph you describe the room filling with light, wherein the previous paragraph gave me the impression that the shadowy figure was snuffing out the light. Remember to keep your character's actions consistent throughout the story; don't confuse your readers!
Other than those two things (overuse of description and consistency) and what Shadowolf has already addressed, your story has potential, it just needs some polishing up! If you have any questions feel free to get in touch with me, I'll be more than happy to help!
Keep working at it and keep improving, and good luck!
i have always wanted to write what i imagine. thanks for the appreciation and i will try really, really hard to improve my faults . thanks for the suggestions, they are really helpful and please guide me until, well ....until i become better.
No problem, always happy to help! And the best way for you to get better is to keep writing. Think of the process like baking cookies: you start off with a box of dough mix (your idea). You add in your milk (plot) and eggs (characters), stir them up, and knead the dough until it's formed. Then you divide it into pieces (chapters) that vary in size and consistency, bake, and enjoy! Sure your cookies won't always come out perfect, but the experience will help make your next attempt even better!
Shadowolf Here
You have the ability to write within your grasp, it just needs some fine tuning. Keep on keeping on.
Great read! Keep up the great work, i'm gonna jump right into the critique
So the first thing I noticed, was that you should probably change shadow in the first sentence to silhouette as it conflicts with the rest of the following sentence.
There is a lot of proof reading and simple grammar mistakes that should be fixed. I urge you to find someone to bounce this off of before uploading so you get more help on the actual story and not what needs to be fixed grammatically and such.
"the one that you talk off. " Off should be changed to of.
"and with a silent swish of the air vanished into thin air." There is a confusion of words here. You will need to make it flow a little better. Such as writing it like "And with a silent whisper of wind, he vanished onto thin air." Or something around those lines.
Other than it needing proof reading, it could use a little more detail to draw the reader in. It looks like the beginning of something great and I hope you continue this as well as improve your skills.