12+

By Sea, By Sail

by zswa
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The year was 1282 Wang Qiang had just went on a voyage carrying luxies to India. I was now coming back home to China with my crew who had come on the voyage with me. I could not wait to see what was happening back home because when I left the song dynasty had not been in a good place, it was said that it was going to displease the mandate of heaven due to recent events I, Wang was inclined to agree, but when he got home something that he never expected had happened. At first everything seemed normal, people loading and unloading their cargo as he did but then, I saw a group of government officials taking a glance at their faces he saw that they were not song officials, they were Mongols “The Mongols but how?” he said wondering how they had come into rule. I attempted to find answers so he ducked into a tavern that he had remembered. I asked one of the patrons what had become of the song dynasty, careful not to insult the Mongols I also hinted at to why they were here, however this did not yield very good results as this man was drunk, very drunk

I realized that I should probably ask someone whose judgement was not clouded by large amounts of sake. So I asked the tavern keeper, assuming that he had not been drinking due to his bartering skills with the man next to him. The man he was bartering with was obviously bluffing -- most likely drunk but when they didn't close a deal and he walked away I approached him and said possibly the most daring thing I have ever said, “How did the filthy Mongols come to taking China?” I said, he chuckled

“Well with that language I assume it won't matter since you will be thrown in jail soon” he said “But I suppose its not in my place to play peacekeeper, the mongols recently took control over china after the song had lost the mandate” so the song had lost the mandate, “I see, my proclamation was hasty and I apologize I was just angry at the fact that china was in mongol control” I said, desperately trying to not lose my nights rest

“All is fine I would just like to point out that the kind of behavior that you displayed can get you fined or thrown in jail, now would you be in need of a place to stay?” he said. I said yes and that night I had troubles getting to sleep, I kept up wondering of how I was going to keep my job as a trader with mongol occupation but eventually I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up I thought about what he was going to do that day, I decided that he would learn about new laws and rules I thought this would be a very important part of not getting into trouble but I had no clue as to where he would seek out that information. So I was did what I had done right the last day I had asked the tavern keeper, “Excuse me sir do you know where I would find information regarding the new laws and regulations?”

“Well I can be of service, Although the Mongols have added a few laws it is nothing much, most song law is still in place though so you can't get away with troublemaking” he said. I said thank you and inquired as to where the market was and he told me. How would I get my ship sailing again? I thought to myself. Well one way would be to load with lots of cheap cargo and go off now I thought but then I would be stuck in india trying to sell low quality goods, I also thought about transporting porcelain but then thought about how easy it broke I contemplated with this idea for about an hour before a man came up to me and asked me if I was willing to buy perfumes in surplus, “hello sir my family and I are perfume makers we have just made a large amount of perfumes and would be willing to offer you a discount if you are willing to buy them all” I inquired about the price and we went back and forth for a while but when we settled a deal I was off in about 3 weeks. The night before I went off to trade I had smelled dumplings, I wondered where they were coming from and I saw they were coming from the inn I slept in I decided to say thank you to the inn keeper and have one last meal before I was off, and I was on my way to trade them. the end

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Firelight
Review

Hey there! I really like this story idea. But there were a couple of things I noticed..

In the beginning, you have a huge run on sentence. You might want to split it up into different sentences. Throughout the story, I noticed you had a few other ones as well.

The story sounded very rushed, like your talking very fast. Try to take your story a little slower, it keeps readers engaged more.

Another thing I saw was punctuation. Many times you forgot a comma, capital or period. These are easy to fix, so no worries :)

I don't know if it's just me, but the dialouge kind of confused me. It was in the middle of paragraphs and it seemed like the speaker was talking very fast.

Other than that, this is a great story. I think it can be even better with a little revising :)

Keep writing
~Fire

User avatar
Raindeer
Review

Hi!

This is going to be a short review... But anyways, let's get started, shall we?

Basically, the main thing that came rushing into my head first was the pace of the story. It seems a little rushed. Now, that may just be me, but next time you write a short story, try to say at a consistent pace that isn't too fast, but isn't super slow so you Don't even arrive at the plot until much later.

There is also quite a lot of dialogue in this piece - consider adding more imagery, detail, and emotion? What are the people doing, what actions are they doing, even something as simple as what color their clothes are. Feeling, too. Get some more emotion in there ;)

This is a nice short piece, though. Keep up the good work, and keep writing! Hope this helps!

~ EternalRain ^.^

User avatar
aquin Comment

Great written!
I like that the amount of detail!
8)

.mem..mem..mem..mem..mem..mem.



"Cowards die many times before their deaths; but the valiant will never taste of death but once."
— Julius Caesar