This is a scene from a novel I'm currently editing. I just thought of leaving it from some critique. Since it's just a scene, you should know that the initial "They" refers to Gregory and Helen. (It's clear on the story as a whole, but not sure if it will be here) Here goes...
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They drove back to the party and made their way through the crowd until they arrived to the back of the living room where they found Chris talking to Vanessa. As they approached them, Chris turned slightly and seeing Greg with Helen raised both eyebrows. Gregory noticed this reaction but pretended not to. Vanessa saw it also and turned around. She didn’t seem too shock at the sight. Instead she immediately grabbed Helen by the wrist and pulled her into talking.
“Hey! Where have you been? Kasey and I have been looking for you everywhere.” she said loudly trying to surpass the sound of the music.
Helen looked at Chris doubtfully then turned back to Vanessa. “Yeah I’m sure!”
The other rolled her eyes. “Chris has been helping me.”
Suddenly, a tall girl of long light brown hair and hazel eyes put her hands on Vanessa’s back. She was wearing a black short skirt, and bright red lipstick that was all smudged, probably with kissing someone. “Where have you been girl?!” she shouted, looking intently at Helen.
It took Greg one guess to realize this was Kasey.
Helen sighed annoyed with her friends’ concern, but nodded shyly on Gregory’s direction. “Out with Greg,” She answered.
Three set of eyes looked at him. Greg laughed a bit at the girls evaluating expressions and ignored Chris’ shocked stare.
He shrugged. “She gave the idea.” He looked at Helen.
All the others except Chris turned to her.
“I’ll tell you about it later,” She said Helen to the obvious questions in her friends’ eyes.
“Good.” nodded Kasey. “Because we’re going. Bye boys,” She gave them both one wave, turned to grab the hands of both Helen and Vanessa, and pulled them to the crowd. The others waved at them hastily as they tried to keep up with her.
Only when they were out of sight did Greg look at Chris who had a hundred questions written all over his face.
“Nothing happened. We just went to eat,” said Greg.
Chris nodded but didn’t seem convinced.
“Come on,” Greg added, ignoring Chris’s reaction and nodding to the way the exit was. “Let’s get out of here.”
They made their way to the car silently. It was only after they began to drive away that Chris spoke.
“So... Nothing happened? I thought you weren’t interested?”
“I’m wasn’t... I’m not,” Greg shook his head. “She just told me to get her out of the party and I took her out, but we just ate and talked.”
“What about Jenna?”
The question took him aback. He glimpse at his friend confused. “What about her?”
Chris shrugged. “I don’t know man. It seems to me that you were into her.”
Gregory faced the road again. “She’s just my friend. Besides she’s at New York.”
“She’s coming back.”
Greg looked at him half annoyed half questioning.
He raised both his hands. “Just saying...”
“There’s nothing going on between us.”
“Between you and Helen? Or between you and Jenna?”
“Neither.”
“All right, whatever you say. I’m going to sleep, dude. You wake me up when we’re at my place,” And with that Chris threw his head back and closed his eyes.
Greg tried not to wonder at Chris’ asking about Jenna and assured himself that nothing was going on. He was her best friend that was all. After a while he tried to ignore all thoughts and simply drive in silence. He managed to do so for a bit, but occasionally he would remember parts of the night when he’d compared the girls. Then he would shake his head and try to concentrate on the road. In one occasion, he tried to clear his mind as took a curve to a street near Chris’s house and out of nowhere there he was. The man he had seen go through the wall in the party. Standing in the middle of the street. Close. Way too close. Greg spun the car to the side. The wheels squealed. And the car went over the sidewalk. Chris woke up with the sudden jerk. Greg stopped the car. But it was late, way too late. There had been no bump. But Gregory could feel it. He’d run over him. He didn’t dare to look down to the road.
“Shit!” He cursed, pressing his head against the wheel. “Shit! Shit!”
Chris looked around startled. “What happened?”
“Fucking Damn it!” Greg opened the door of his car and stepped outside. There was nothing. Only an empty street.
As Greg tried to take the sight in, Chris came around the car, a concern written all over his face. “Greg? What’s wrong dude?”
But Gregory couldn’t answer. He felt completely paralyzed with the event. He didn’t react until he heard another voice speak to him.
“Are you kids ok?”
His head turned to the right. A tall man of tousled dark hair, wearing sweat pants, a jacket and flip flops had come from the house they were standing in front of.
“Yeah...” answered Chris. “Sorry sir. I don’t know what came over my friend here.”
Greg shook his head and cleared his throat. “Uh... I didn’t mean to startle you sir. I just thought I’d seen something,” He smiled politely.
The man just stared confused.
On his back, Gregory could feel Chris’ gaze.
He nodded, turning to the still open door of his car. “We’ll be going now if you don’t mind.”
“Uh... Just hold on a second,” said the man stopping him. He raised a finger and waved it pointing between Chris and Greg. “Have you two been drinking?”
“Uh...” Greg struggled. If he said yes he was in trouble. If he said no, he had to explain.
Chris had fallen silent behind him.
“No,” He finally lied. “I think I’m just tiered that’s all.”
The man stared at him doubtfully for a second, but finally said: “All right. Just drive carefully now.”
Greg got into the car and waited until Chris made it around to the passenger seat. Then he drove away, with the man still watching them carefully. When they were far into the street Chris spoke.
“I think you had far too many beers dude.”
“I only had half a can!” protested Greg.
“Well, what the hell happened back there?!”
Greg shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I saw something.”
“What?” said Chris looking at him pointedly.
Greg didn’t dare to look at him. “There was a man standing in the road.”
It took Chris a while to take this in. When he finally did so, he just laughed. “What?”
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Thank you for the reviews. I'll take into consideration your suggestions. However, I will like to defend my story by saying that this is not the whole story, perhaps my real mistake was that I only posted a very small part of the story. Of course the setting isn't described, because I describe it somewhere else. Of course, Kasey isn't mentioned before because she was mentioned somewhere else.
However, I do think that your right on the characters sounding flat and on the fact that I mention everything they do. I really have to work on that.
I'd agree with pudin.junidf , I'm not any specialist in terms of writing, but from a viewpoint of a casual reader, I found it confusing and flat at times. As I then checked puding.junidf's post, I couldn't help but agree with the written points. Good luck with writing, don't let first troubles stop you!
Hey Zoray!
I'll review your piece today.
Well, there's a lot of work to do in this piece. First of all, I think the story itself is not that interesting. And to be honest, your characters don't really help the story.
So, first. Your hook was not good. Why? The sentence was way too long and it said nothing interesting in it. Second You listed what they did and you kept doing that all through out the story. That bores the reader because it sounds like a shopping list. I'll buy this, and that, then this, and then that. In a story, we need to watch out for that because it makes the story boring and monotonous.
Second. Your characters were flat. At the beginning of the story you just threw at us a bunch of characters and it was confusing, I didn't know who the main character was. When continued reading, I noticed it was Greg. But it was all really confusing, because you didn't describe him right, nor let us know him. There was a serious lack of characterization in here. I don't see the MC's point of view, or thoughts about the situation. There wasn't a physical description of him either.
Third. Even when it may not seem an important part in a story, the setting is really important. Your description of the setting was lacking, it made me see the whole story in a black and white environment. also, you have to set the mood for this. The story is called apparition right? And there must be some suspense, some intrigue, maybe something he felt, but there was nothing.
Fourth. Your dialogue was flat and sort of boring. why? Because it was confusing in some parts and there wasn't a description of them talking, some expression on his face, some movement during the conversation.
Now some nitpicks.
Shock has to be shocked.
This has to be rephrased. What other? and why did that person roll their eyes?
So yeah, this is Kasey. to be honest I don't see what's Kasey's use in the story, she's mentioned once and it's really not that important. So I think you should reconsider her part or even mentioning her.
Second, with kissing someone should be from kissing someone.
This is confusing. What friend? and why was that friend annoyed? In writing there is always a motive for doing something, for being in certain mood. I guess that friend is Gregory so what annoyed him? why did the sight of Kasey make him look annoyed? What was his motive.
This in itself tells nothing important or interesting. The paragraph is boring and flat.Why? Because you don't let us know the character, you just throw at us a bunch of things he does and even add a new person. As I said before, there are too many people in this piece and that makes the story confusing.
So there are many things that can be improved in this piece, there's a lot of room for improvement. I'm sorry if i was harsh,but I was just trying to help you.
XOXO
Pudin