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untold hidden secrets

by zohali93

chapter 1 part 1

TV(newscaster) " There has been yet another disappearance last night. Ahigh school girl (whose name is to be confidential)was last seen going home after doing her part time job but has not returned since. there seems to be no trace of her anywhere.residents living around her workplacehave reported seeing a shady looking poshblack car lingeringon thestreetsroughlyaroundthe time she disappeared. whathas completely dumbfounded thepolice is thateven thoughwitnessesare certain that thestrange car is nottinted, they cant remember the face of the driver. and those who dorememberdon't give you've all noticed, these disappearanceshave been happening around the world and the very few victims found haveseemed to lost theirmemory. so as tobe safewe weregiven permission tostate our latestvictimsschool sothatothers around there can be alert.she goes toa school called...."

"I'mgonna be late for school!"Zakiya exclaimed as sheturned offtheTV whilestruggling to put on her socks andstuffeda slice of toast in her mouth. she staggeredquicklyto gether shoes and put them on as she put her lunchin herbag simultaneously.she zoomed out of thehouse and ranlike herlife depended on it nearly falling flat on her face twice.

Her mother watched her and sighed,"doesshe have to go to schooltwo hours early?" she thought, then coughed intoherarm.

She loved that her daughterwas an honor student who wasalways punctual,and finishedreadingher text book aheadof the class,and likeddoing extrahomework and projects and nevergot into trouble. but still....was that normal for a14 tear old girl? Zakiya could at least mess uponcein a while so thatshe couldplayher role as an educatingmother.

suddenlyshe felta bit dizzy, herforeheadfelt warm,"I must bethinking tomuch."she said to herself taking her suit case to head to work.she had to stay strong for her daughter and protecther fromthem.

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Points: 2596
Reviews: 26

Sun Sep 15, 2013 4:01 pm
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L5na2 says...

I would like to start off by saying despite some grammatical errors the news cast is what made me take an interest in the story. It gives what I feel like is a hint of foreshadowing which I love, but after that it felt a little rushed. Just slow down a little and give a little more description. Hope this helps and feel free to message me if you need a review on anything else.

zohali93 says...

Thank you so much. I actually posted this story up long ago and since then revised it. I just never bothered to re-post it again. I'm suprised you actually found it! o.o
Thanks again, really.

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97 Reviews

Points: 982
Reviews: 97

Thu Apr 05, 2012 6:00 pm
summergrl13 wrote a review...

Hi Zohali! Just here to critique :) if you'd like anything else critiqued just ask, and I'd appreciate it if you checked out/ critiqued my own novel in return (no pressure if you don't want to):

work.php?id=94462 Thanks :D

First off, I like the idea that it starts out with a newscaster telling a story, but I think it needs to be tweaked. There are a lot of grammatical errors for a start (sorry about being a Grammar Nazi). A lot of readers don't take a writer seriously when there are a lot of errors like that. Other than that, keep in mind that news reporters usually don't use many descriptor words, mostly sticking straight to the facts. They don't use many synonyms or adjectives, so beware of too many of those.

" "I'm gonna be late for school!" Zakiya exclaimed as she turned off the TV while struggling to put on her socks and stuffed a slice of toast in her mouth. she staggered quickly to get her shoes and put them on as she put her lunch in her bag simultaneously. she zoomed out of the house and ran like her life depended on it nearly falling flat on her face twice. "

Okay, the biggest thing you need to do here is slowwwww dowwwwwn. She may be rushed in the story but take the time to explain what she does when she's rushed. Also, this paragraph needs a better transition from the last one. As the narrator, explain that she checked her watch or the clock and turned off the TV. Just that one extra sentence can make a big difference. In this paragraph there is also a lot of verbs from the wrong times. For example, "struggling" and "stuffed" sound awkward in a sentence together. I'd suggest something like, "...TV, struggling to put on her socks and stuff a slice..." because it flows smoothly. Think about cutting out "nearly falling flat on her face twice" as well, or put a comma between "it" and "nearly". Check the grammar and punctuation too.

" She loved that her daughter was an honor student who was always punctual, and finished reading her text book ahead of the class, and liked doing extra homework and projects and never got into trouble. but still....was that normal for a 14 tear old girl? Zakiya could at least mess up once in a while so that she could play her role as an educating mother."

The first sentence here, while I can tell you're trying to make a point, is a run-on. It's too long with too much unnecessary information. Cut it down for sure; try to have no more than three examples of how she is a good kid. Any more than that and you're going overboard. Also, I'd make the last sentence shorter. Something along the lines of, "Zakiya could mess up once in a while so that she could play her role as a mother." would be concise.

Other than that, I would recommend lengthening it a bit more. It's a bit short and confusing right now, so just work on more details, maybe some dialogue, etc.

I can tell you have potential, and I hope you won't interpret what I said as something mean. I like this story, so tell me if you make more chapters :D Happy Writing!

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253 Reviews

Points: 17359
Reviews: 253

Mon Mar 19, 2012 5:52 pm
RacheDrache wrote a review...

Hi, Zohali! Here as requested. (And welcome, by the way, to YWS!)

Soooooo, review time!

First, a few silly things. One is to watch your punctuation and, in particular, capitalization. A lot of reviewers here see poor capitalization and go read somewhere else. Proofreading before you post is just a good way to make a good first impression, and also to let the reviewer know you appreciate him/her. (Taking the time to proofread means you in turn respect the reviewer's time.)

Another is that you don't need the bold writing :D The emphasis is clear on 'two' and 'them' already, and italics probably work better for the newscast.

Boring stuff aside, onward to the story!

Kidnappings are win, and even better when done by mysterious people. I'm wondering, obviously, who the people in the posh black car are, and how this main character could be SO enthusiastic about school--I mean, I was a good student and all, but I liked my sleep!

I also really like that this beginnings in her mom's perspective--lets us know who this main character is. So I hope to get more from Mom's perspective in upcoming chapters. Just make sure the POV stays consistent and stuff.

This is a bit too short to say much more--and the punctuation is kind of everywhere--but the one thing I can say on the negative end is to look at the newscast a bit more closely. I can't tell where you're from, but the newscast as you have it violates quite a few journalism rules. For instance, in this circumstance, they would probably reveal the girl's name--and they wouldn't say 'shady looking posh' car but probably something more neutral, such as 'an unknown expensive black car'. There are other little things--pay good attention to a few newcasts and you'll pick them up.

That's actually pretty nick-picky of me, in the end, but I've listened to so many newscasts (I watch it every morning) that I read newscasts in the voices of my anchors, and when the words don't fit it irks me more than it should!

Otherwise... well, write onward! And let me know if you have any questions!


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308 Reviews

Points: 25520
Reviews: 308

Sun Mar 18, 2012 8:03 am
AlfredSymon wrote a review...

Good day, Zohali! Al here for a Point Out, for more information on my reviews, please visit my Clinic, the link is below in my signature!

First, lemme give you a quick impression. So, I was intrigued with the title at first, it was a bit repetitive, though. Remember that your title is one of the factors why people read someone's work, so remember to give a good title. See, your title seems to be a common one already, secrets and whatnot. I advise you to consider your title well, try to catch a better essence from your story to give a more intriguing title to this. Although, I think this is not yet done, so try to follow my advise next time.

Also, in YWS, I believe it's better to have the whole chapter posted. As you've said, you didn't post your whole first chapter. It'll be better if you did so we, the YWS, can critique the whole piece, benefiting you more as a writer. Although, I think this first half of the first chapter seems fine enough. It opens up finely, but try to consider my point-outs, still, because I'll give a few lot :)

We all know that's it's hard to give a dialogue for the TV, but here's a quick rundown for it. Either italicize or bolden the dialogue from the TV (although italicizing is better). That's it. End it with a scene where in your character is found watching a TV, if not, then say that it was from a TV. What you did was correct, but take out the 'TV Newscaster' thing at the beginning :)

Wow! Three point outs in one! Read these point outs first and see an example later!
Multi-tasking is quite common these days in any kind of literary work, and this produces a homey, personal effect in the readers since, as I've said, everyone does it! But be sure that the Multi-task you entered in your character is, in actual life, possible. Look at this sentence: "Zakiya exclaimed as she turned off the TV while struggling to put on her socks and stuffed a slice of toast in her mouth. she staggered quickly to get her shoes and put them on as she put her lunch in her bag simultaneously. she zoomed out of the house and ran like her life depended on it nearly falling flat on her face twice. " The words 'as' and 'while' means that they happened nearly at the same time. Now, see this: Zakiya pushed the off button on the TV with her hand while shoving bread into her mouth with her hand while putting on her socks with both hands. So, I know, it got a bit awkward, a bit too speedy. It's a great addition, y'know, and I like the thought you put in. But mind the impossible things. Also, under the impossibility section, chance can be absurd. The part where it reads 'nearly falling on her face flat twice' is a bit awkward since in real life, you don't know where you'll fall on when you tripped on the street :)

As one of my favorite authors have said: "Only use said, said and said. LOVE IT". I half believe in him. You can use shout, exclaim, blutter, whisper and a lot more words expressing oral communication in dialogues. The difference is their degree in a sentence and he situation they're used in. The word exclaimed can be a bit advance to be done by a fourteener. Also, it's more commonly used in legal or public situations like in court-trial or in a basketball game. The word 'said', or 'shouted' can be used in the sentence mentioned above.

This is a very important notice: IMAGERY is a necessity for any literary work. The word imagery is commonly used in poetry, but I grew up knowing it to be more wider than that. Imagery is a creativity factor which concerns how far does the readers' imagination comprehend with the scene or emotion you want to express. In this piece, most of your sentences express a great deal of imagery, but it would help a lot if you can add more words and sentence that tell MORE about how, why, where, when and what happened. These are the key questions we can use in the development of imagery.

Now, let's study this revised sentence as mentioned from the second point out
"Zakiya said as she whirred from her seat, staggeringly pushing the Power button to turn of the TV. She quickly grabbed a buttery slice of toast her mother had prepared for her for breakfast and shoved it wholly into her mouth; she babbled a bit of gibberish as she rushed back to the couch. Zakiya then reached out for her socks and tried to wear it as hastily as she could, but her actions only led her to to scratching her ankle. She slung her bag onto her shoulders and raced for her shoes, jumping at once to forcefully fit her feet into the dark space. She zoomed out of the house and ran heading to school like her life depended on it, nearly tripping once or twice on the gravel. "

Let's review this: Multi-tasking is now on queue. There are lot imagery in it and there is simplicity in it. It's a bit long though, sorry :) I know you can write this way (only shorter) and I'll know you can make your pieces better :D

...tuation. Remember these root rules in grammar. Your capitalization, punctuation and coherence matters! Also, exclude your dialogue from a sentence unless the sentence is very much connected to it :)

Okay, so those are the things I like to Point Out! I wish I helped a lot, 'cause this piece and you, my friend, have a lot of potential, and so I hope for the development of your talent! Good luck writing! :D

Your Pointer-Out,

zohali93 says...

Thank you sooooooooo much. I really apprectiate it.I can't Thai you enough!

The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.