Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Dramatic


the unveiling

by zohali93


14 years ago

prologue

"please! Please don't leave me...stay with me and our unborn child!" a woman who lay in a hospital bed in the maternity wing cried as she desperately clasped her husband’s arm. She valued family a lot and couldn't stand the idea of letting her newly found family break apart.

" I can't, you know very well that I have to stop them, if they ever found out about you or our child, I don't know what they would do." He said solemnly with a furrow in his forehead. He leaned closer to her face. Looking around the small room, making sure there were no prying ears. Then spoke in a low tone, barely louder than a whisper,

"You have to understand, I’m dealing with dangerous people. My own brother is leading this operation. I have to put an end to this." the woman shook her head,

"Why do you have to do this then? Leave it to the police. What about our family?" He took her hand and pecked it. "

I know you always wanted to live as a family, but I can't ignore this threat. They took away my kids from my previous marriage." he said. There was a short period of silence that followed by until he said,

"Do me a favor, go back to your family when you give birth. Stay with them, I know they disowned you and have always mistreated you...but if it will get you away from Those vile people-"

"-no." she cut in, her voice rasp. She grabbed a hold of his hand.

"They never will allow it and neither will I!”

He knew her words were true but he didn't know what else to do, since he couldn't stay with her without getting her involved in all this. He shook his head in guilt.

Her grip was now firmer. He could see a pained look on her face, with her veins that became visible across her temples.

"If...if you have to go, then promise me you'll come back." She said. He could feel her grip get even tighter. He couldn’t make that promise, he wasn’t sure if he would ever come back. Then she began to yell in agony. A couple of doctors, who stood by the hallways, came rushing in, as her voice rent the air.

She was about to give birth. He knew if he stayed a while longer that he would ultimately change his mind and stay. He wanted nothing more than to see his soon-to-be-born kid at the moment, but he knew he couldn't.

Slipping his hands out of hers, He noticed her looking at him despite the labor pain, her eyes fogged with tears.

Everything was like a blur. All she could remember was the excruciating pain and then the doctors’ voice saying,

“Congratulation. It’s a girl.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 678
Reviews: 16

Donate
Sun Jun 24, 2012 4:07 am
View Likes
Nyl wrote a review...



"It's a girl!" Love that.

I'm not much of a grammar enthusiast since my writing skill is only good for article and content writing, so I am not gonna look at that angle, although I notice some punctuation mistakes e.g doctors’ voice saying, (=doctor's voice saying).

All in all I love the simplicity of the story and the small revelations there, but there is something missing. The imagery and emotions of the characters are a little blurry, like ---- I'm looking for some touch on the story that could tear me a bit--- it is there--- just a little more, push. Love it though. (Y)




User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 2574
Reviews: 33

Donate
Thu Jun 14, 2012 11:46 pm
View Likes
SkyeJane wrote a review...



This is a a great topic as it pertains the world today im many more ways than we can tell from just this prologue.It really made me want to read on but I had to because I could not tell anything from the beginning.The punctuation is quite good but you need to pay some attention to where you place commas and fullstops.To make your work more engaging you should really draw attention to appeal to more senses than those you have displayed here. Otherwise,I really like this Zo!!




zohali93 says...


thanks!



User avatar
289 Reviews


Points: 30323
Reviews: 289

Donate
Mon Apr 16, 2012 1:30 pm
View Likes
Caesar wrote a review...



Okay, as my first attempt sunk, I'm back, again, with a new review.

I agree with the reviews below me, it's very interesting, packs a lot of mystery, but it could need some work on wordplay and grammar (though, as that's not what I'm good at, I'll stay away from that).
One nit-picky little (subjective, so you don't really have to acknowledge it) thing, though "Why do you have to do this then? Leave it to the police. What about our family?" He took her hand and pecked it. "- yeah, to my ears, 'peck' breaks the tense, dramatic atmosphere you so artfully created. Also, that speech mark at the end should go with the sentence below it, I think.
All in all, said reviews below me covered pretty much everything.
I do wish to read more, though.

Sorry this wasn't much help,
yours truly




zohali93 says...


Thanks



User avatar
155 Reviews


Points: 49725
Reviews: 155

Donate
Sun Apr 15, 2012 7:54 pm
View Likes
Esther Sylvester wrote a review...



Hello there!

Pleasure to meet you: I'm Esther. I usually do long reviews but I'll do us both a favor and leave this succinct as possible!

Firstly, this has a lot of potential. You managed to pack a lot of intrigue into a few short paragraphs and I was impressed. I usually loathe prologues, but I think this is a good one.

Your grammar and the way your words flow are probably your weakest point. Sometimes I feel like you have something to say, but you don't get the feelings right. I'll get to that later. First, I will comment on your grammar. Remember that whenever a new person begins to speak, you start a NEW paragraph. The second paragraph up there has the two speaking back and forth, but you don't start a new paragraph each time a different person speaks so it is hard to follow. If you fixed that, the whole thing would look a lot cleaner. As for grammar issues, hey, you seriously get better with practice. If you read a lot of books, grammar comes naturally. My grammar was much, much worse than yours could ever hope to be when I was around nine or so. So just keep learning and you'll be fine.

A line of yours that got me was "she cared about family a lot". It was so simple and nondescript -- almost an understatement. Obviously she adores her family, so just saying "she cares a lot" doesn't cut it. Instead of saying that, SHOW how she adores her family. When her husband has to go, have her actions and words say how she feels. You already do a pretty good job of it, so the "a lot" is almost unneccesary. The part where she grabs her husband's hand was very powerful, so good job. Just remember that, when you are describing a characters emotions, it is usually better to show how that feel rather than state it. "She burst into tears" is better than just saying, "Carly was sad".

This scene is so action-packed that I feel like the non-dialogue sentences are a little long most of the time. During scenes packed with action, make the average sentence shorter rather than longer. It's an easy way to make the reader get into the action.

"Congratulation, it's a girl" should be changed to "congratulations, it's a girl". But that was an awesome way to end the prologue. It makes me want to keep reading.

Excellent job! So much drama. Keep writing.




zohali93 says...


thanks so much!



User avatar
82 Reviews


Points: 2557
Reviews: 82

Donate
Sun Apr 15, 2012 6:03 pm
View Likes
TheClosetKidnapper wrote a review...



Biggles!

This is good, I can't wait to read more! As Sepherene said, there were a few gramatical errors, but that's normal and easily fixable. : )
The only other thing I could say is that this is perfect for a prologue. It's vague and leaves the reader wondering what's really going on. The last paragraph is a little fast paced, but you can fix that by saying that the man left in the paragraph above, where it hints so but doesn't come out and say it.

Other than that, great job!
Yours truly,
Rocky : )




zohali93 says...


thanks rocky!



User avatar


Points: 1050
Reviews: 2

Donate
Sun Apr 15, 2012 5:20 pm
View Likes
Sepherene says...



Hi, Seph here.

First off, if this isn't your chapter one, is it your prologue? If it is make that visible before you start so that you don't have to explain :)

"please! Please don't leave me...stay with me and our unborn child!"

This may have been a slight mistake, so I won't attack you for it. Just make sure to capitalize the first 'Please'.

" I can't, you know very well that I have to stop them, if they ever found out about you or our child, I don't know what they would do."

I think this sentence would look better if you put a period where he says 'I have to stop them'. Then continue on. So it would look like this: "I can't, you know very well that I have to stop them."

"You have to understand, I’m dealing with dangerous people. My own brother is leading this operation. I have to put an end to this." the woman shook her head, "Why do you have to do this then? Leave it to the police. What about our family?" He took her hand and pecked it. "I know you always wanted to live as a family, but I can't ignore this threat. They took away my kids from my previous marriage." he said. There was a short period of silence that followed by until he said, "Do me a favor, go back to your family when you give birth. Stay with them, I know they disowned you and have always mistreated you...but if it will get you away from Those vile people-"

Make sure to space the dialogue, so that it would look like this:
"Hi," Martin said.
"Hi, Martin," I replied.
If you don't do that it would look like a big paragraph and unpleasing to the readers eyes.

Other than those comments, everything else seems reasonably fine.
Overall, I liked the story very much. Notify me when another chapter comes out? :)

- Sepherene.




zohali93 says...


thanks so much! i didn't know that word (prologue) i forgot it thats why i mentioned it wasn't my first chapter. i'll edit it soon.




Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
— -Apple Inc.