i wonder (may have turned into me just missing my family and crying while typing and changing names)

                                          the random back story 

You know sometimes I wonder if my family thinks this is easy. being hundreds and hundreds of miles away. being lonely for the first time in my life. i was never lonely growing up never once. i always had my sisters and brother. Granted my siblings drove me nuts. i am lonely even though i am not alone i have a husband  we will call him Marty and a 4 month old kid lets call him Pie ( ya ya i know its not very creative). but that doesn't mean i miss my family. my story begins in flagstaff A.Z. i was in high school thought i knew everything when i turned 18 i left home for what now seems like forever. i went to collage where i met my now husband Marty. to other people Marty isn't vary attractive. But to me he is my knight in shiny armor except  for the part where our first interaction was me telling him, "Welcome to hell". my sister who followed me to collage her name is Karen. was going to be my best friend while we were there. but the plane ride was more than enough to suffice.  My sister Karen was my best friend growing up. She didn't know it but i followed everything she did with style when we were growing up.  we went to consents for bands that i hated, he gave each other shit to push each other harder. we never had normal toys growing up. We never had the money for such things but we played with the broken toys the other kids would throw away.Karen and i have been through a metric fuck ton our parents got devoured when i was 4 not sure how old she was. we were taken by child protective services. and we suffered the loss of our dad. for the longest Karen and i thought our dad didn't care about us when we were little and living with our mom. Karin and i were so mad when we found out that our mom was selling the things our dad was getting for us for beer and drugs. as i said Karin and i have gone through a fuck tun.  my brother Jake was a pain in the ass growing up darn boys. my brother and i were always going on crazy adventures like catching kittens and Dumpster diving poking dead animals that kind of thing. i am not even sure if he is he same kid i left him as. the other two are just them and still drive me nuts

      it hurts

     not on my body but inside i feel like the world 

    is spinning but i dont know how to stop it 

     i want the air back i want it to return to my lungs  

   and let my heart breathe i want to feel the wind and 

  let the tares of my passed go. i just want the world to stop 

  spinning so fast and let me catch my self.

PAGE 2 sort story #2

four 

 what can happen in four seconds?

four minutes?

four hours?

four days?

four weeks?

four months?

four years?

i guess we should start at second one right? you know where this story begins.

it was a somewhat sunny day in River Stone New Mexico. i dont know why they call it that. The closest river is over 100 miles form River Stone. i was volunteering at this thrift shop i was going threw donations when a white suv pulled up, honking like a mad man. the driver roles down the window its my nanny. she yelled " you need to get in the car right now its an emergency."   i get in the car and she is speeding to pick up my sister Karin from where ever Karin was. After we got Karin my nanny stared telling us about the emergency. it was Karin's and my dad he was dying in the hospital. my heart dropped in to my stomach and i felt it shatter. our nanny halled ass to the hospital. when we got there i saw him in the hospittl bed hookedd up to all the mashenes.i was scared to tuch him and all he wanted was a hug.

hour 4 

every thing was crazy i was  walking in the I.C.U hall way when i over hurd the dr's sayin that he should just give up