Published January 17, 2009
Hand in his
Warm, damp, and firm.
Fingers curl.
Lips upturn into a crooked smile.
Blue birds sing, sun shines.
Like any cliche fairytale of young exuberant romance,
the lovers passion is bright and irrevocable.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,854 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I like it; short and simple and sweet but perhaps you could elaborate more on it, have detail and go deeper
This is one of those poems that do not rhyme but still has the rhythm that only the best of poetry possess.
I think darko was unnecessarily harsh. This has real potential!
I don't understand this "fingers curl" line. It sounds like they are already holding hands, so why would their fingers be curling? I think it would make more sense to say "fingers curled." Then it would be an adjective.
These lines are good, though "crooked" might not be my favorite choice of words for this poem.
My real problem with this piece is the use of the word cliche here. If you are trying to describe their love in a negative way, I think saying it is cliche is a bit too obvious. Does that make sense? The poem with be a lot better if you could show what you mean by this sentence, rather than telling. To do this, I think you need to make the poem longer, maybe twice as long. If you want the reader to really understand what you're trying to say, there needs to be more too it.
But I love the last line. ("lovers" should end with an apostrophe for possession, though.) The use of the word "irrevocable" here is really unexpected and interesting - a great impression to leave with the reader as the poem ends.
Good start! Make sure to keep reviewing - that's how I have learned what makes a good poem! I hope to see more from you!
rachel
Welcome to YWS!
Sorry, but this is total cxxp.... No rhythm, just scrabble of words and nothing more. Your verses are "hitting" each other
(eg. Hand in his --warm--
Warm, damp, and firm.)
First verses are good for its length but last ones are too long for that.
Punctuation is bad. It crashes everything that you build in this poem.
Last verse:... is bright and irrevocable... so what with it?
Cute. It's a bit too short to really say much about, but there wasn't much rhythm. And I'm guessing you already know this, but it was a bit cliched.
Work on this. Extend it. Get to the root of your passion and love. Make the reader feel what you feel. I didn't gain anything from reading this.