Young Writers Society

The Reprise



Everyone was on the floor,

When I hit the door.

I looked into your eyes,

And saw the pain of the reprise.

The repetition of the song,

Was playing with your heart all along.

I gazed through (to) your soul, ---->"to" should be "into", it'll flow better

I could see (your life) in a whole, ---->"as a whole"

The pain and the sorrow,

Your worry about tomorrow.



Your face reflected the light,

And I could see you were not alright. ---->get rid of the "and" here

I asked you if you were okay,

You ignored me so I walked away.



You saw me leave and began following after,

Everyone around was full of laughter,

But you and I were dreading the happiness.---->this doesn't rhyme very well with "stress"

Our bodies were too full of stress,

To enjoy the happy people around.

I wanted to get away from all the sound.



I walked out the door, saying bye to the host.

You were shadowing behind me like a ghost. --->get rid of "behind"

My lungs were glad to meet the fresh air,

You were being so unfair.

Once the door was shut, my goodbyes said,

You began to unleash your dread.

Breaking down crying, you fell to the ground,

I thought that was very profound.

You weren’t feeling well.



I picked you up and drove you back to the hotel.

The whole way there you were sobbing,

To the point that my head was throbbing.

You were in such a bad state,

That I had to carry all of your weight,

First up the stairs, then to your room.

I wasn’t sure if your sanity would resume.



I kissed you goodnight,

And laid you in your bed so tight.

I sat down to think about what had happened, ---->again, doesn't rhyme very well with the next line

But I was trying to escape those thoughts instead.

I didn’t want to recall the past,

Because it all went by fast.

There was no need to think of the pain,

Or remember the mental strain.

I sat there in my chair watching you sleep.

You looked as if your dreams had pulled you in deep.

The memory of the song,

I’m sure was in your dreams all night long.

The peaceful look on your face,

Made me want to embrace,

The sleep that awaited me.

My tiredness grabbed so hard I didn’t want to flee.

I closed my eyes and began to dream.



In my dreams I saw you lying in bed,

But not the bed of the living, it was of the dead.

The casket door was open so I could see you clearly.

My eyes began to water, tearing sincerely.

I was crushed by the thought of you dying,

That I was deeply crying.



The pain shook me awake,

Like a terrible earthquake.

My eyes opened wide,

I was hoping you had not died,

As you slept there in your bed so snug.

I felt like giving you a big hug,

Because I saw you were still with me.

My heart was excited to a very high degree,

From seeing you lying there.



After all that I rose from my chair.

I needed some fresh air.

As I was walking by your bed,

This is what you said;

“Please don’t go, I need you.”

The way your voice sounded, I could tell it was true.

I turned on a dime,

And looked into your eyes saying, “you have all my time.”

“I won’t ever leave you alone.”

Your smile was enough to make atone,

For all that happened the night prior.

I could tell you were not being a liar. --->get rid of "being a"



***overall, good poem, other than the few minor areas where there is some room for improvment

Hi there! I'm Kyllorac (though you can call me Kyll or Kylie), and I'll be reviewing you today.

Seeing as how you're new, I'm not sure you're aware that it's required to review two other people before you post anything to be reviewed. Just review two people, and all will be well.

Now, onto the review!

First thing I noticed - you do not need to have a comma or any other punctuation mark at the end of each line. In general, poetry follows the same punctuation conventions as all other forms of writing, meaning that if this poem were to be written out in normal sentence form, there should be no unnecessary punctuation anywhere.

Secondly, I see you have a rhyme scheme, but you don't follow it consistently throughout the poem. Not a good thing to do. If you are going to use a device (like rhyme), don't stop or change it half way without good reason.

Finally, there is no clear rhythm to this piece. Although the rhyme is sort of there to give a chiming effect, the beauty of the rhyme is hidden by the lack of a definite rhythm. For instance, the syllable count for the first stanza goes 7/5/6/8/8/9/6/8/6/8. There is no clear pattern to it, and so it winds up feeling disjointed and bumpy. In addition, the syllables themselves have no pattern to the stressed/unstressed sounds, which only adds the the jarring feel.

In short: punctuate poetry as you would regular sentences, don't change the rhyme scheme suddenly and without good reason, and pay attention to the rhythm. Other than that, you're off to a good start.

I hope you keep on writing!