please look at my story and tell me what you think
There once was a young eight-year old boy named josh and his mum had just died from breast cancer and his last gift from her was a rose badge which represented her love for him. Later on that month his dad told him that he had joined the army so Josh could not see his dad for 9 months and he was leaving in one week, the only option for Josh was to be adopted so just before his dad left he put josh into the adoption center.
Josh then found out that his new family was a rich family and he had to move to the other side of the country so he would never see his dad again so the only memory of his dad was when he last saw his dad – when he got dropped off at the adoption centre.
The rich family made him as comfortable as they could possibly get him but Josh was not happy and the family kept asking him ‘why are you so upset?’ and he only replied ‘I only have one memory left’. The family never knew what Josh meant by that until they heard him talking to himself about it in his new bedroom he said; “the only one memory I have left of my mum is this rose badge and the only memory I have left of my dad is when I last saw him” he then sighed and never spoke about his memories outside of his room.
Josh never took off that one special badge even if it made him depressed everyday until one time he forgot to put it on and when he got back home from a day out it had disappeared it was no-where to be seen around the house what he hadn't’t noticed was that there was someone in his closet. When he went to get changed one night he noticed the figure and decided to step back as he did not realize who it was and in fact he did know…it was his own father and he was holding the rose badge in his hand! His dad decided to pay his son a little visit and that was the happiest time of Josh’s life seeing his dad again with his one last memory in his hand!
thank you
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Hmm... this reads a lot like a story summary rather than an actual story to me. It's basically a list of what Josh's life has been. A bit of fattening out, putting in more details of his life in an interesting way (like how he felt, what was going through his mind, how his life was at school, some dialogue, etc.) would make this really good. You have a good idea here, it just needs a considerable amount of polishing.
But that's what we have critiques for, no? Get writing! =D
If you need help, feel free to PM me.
-St. Razorblade
No problem, I'm glad to be able to help.
thank you for the reply and noticing those grammar mistakes
There once was a young eight-year old boy named josh [A rather 'once upon a time' sort of beginning. Maybe try something a bit more imaginative.] and his mum had just died from breast cancer and his last gift from her was a rose badge which represented her love for him. Later on that month, his dad told him that he had joined the army so Josh could not see his dad for 9 [Use nine rather than 9 in a story.]months and he was leaving in one week. The only option for Josh was to be adopted so, just before his dad left, he put josh into the adoption center.
Josh [s]then[/s] found out that his new family was a rich family and he had to move to the other side of the country so he would never see his dad again. Josh's final memory of his father was watching him walk away, leaving his son behind.
The rich family made him as comfortable as they could[s] possibly get him[/s] but Josh was not happy and the family kept asking him ‘why are you so upset?’ and he only replied ‘I only have one memory left’. The family never knew what Josh meant by that until they heard him talking to himself about it in his new bedroom. He said; “the only one memory I have left of my mum is this rose badge and the only memory I have left of my dad is when I last saw him,” he then sighed and never spoke about his memories outside of his room.
Josh never took off that one special badge, even if it made him depressed every day until one time he forgot to put it on and, when he got back home from a day out, it had disappeared. It was nowhere to be seen around the house but what he hadn't noticed was that there was someone in his closet. When he went to get changed one night, he noticed the figure and decided to step back as he did not realize who it was and in fact he did knowit was his own father and he was holding the rose badge in his hand! His dad decided to pay his son a little visit and that was the happiest time of Josh’s life, seeing his dad again with his one last memory in his hand!
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Your sentence structure and grammar are a little off but it's not a bad piece.