CHAPTER ONE
Exterior patrol was the most boring chore everywhere but the most important. All towns were at risk of an attack in the endless days of war and yet it was considered a punishment for Zarrin and Retarin to patrol their village, Vartala.
But he gets to stay late helping his father and me getting stuck out here alone. Zarrin thought.
Retarin's father was the local Blacksmith and apparently, his father "needed help with extra orders" as Retarin claims.
Zarrin quickened his Fire-horse's pace and stared out at the barren land beyond. Only sand and Fire-plants for thousands of paces and beyond are the mountains of the Air territory. As Zarrin circled the village, the Mountains had ended and beyond were the lush forests of the Earth territory and the endless oceans of the Water territory.
Zarrin sighed and looked at the village, one of the largest and the most vulnerable. It was the closest to the Air-Fire border and was likely to get attacked. The king had sent many soldiers monthly and the town grew larger each month.
His attention turned back when his Fire-horse had erupted in flames. He quickly pulled his sword and looked around. His expression instantly turned from fear and excitement to humor as his mount calmed down. "Well it's about time" Zarrin said as Retarin joined him on his mount.
"Sorry, but my Father had so many orders from yours" he replied.
"Why?"
"An attack on Mt. Renra"
"Again?" Zarrin asked.
"Scouts had apparently stole lots of goods sent to Mt. Renra to replace lost ones and now, it was weak. Or at least we hope so." said Retarin.
"Yes well, I hope I can come this time"
"As if your Mother will agree" Retarin chuckled.
"Well, she had better…" Zarrin was interrupted when both Fire-horses erupted again. They both pulled out their weapons and looked around. They found nothing at first but both mounts hadn't calmed yet. They heard loud horn beyond the village.
A slight breeze came suddenly, and strengthened slowly. Both faces turned pale as a loud battle cry came out of nowhere.
Zarrin threw a fire bolt in the direction of the sound and a cry came from that direction. He nudged his Fire-horse into a sprint to the village, Retarin followed suit. They burned each roof of every home as he rode through village, waking everyone up.
Air soldiers ran straight through the village gates but were interrupted when Retarin made a wall of fire. They blew gusts of wind at an attempt to extinguish the flames but Retarin used up his energy recharging the wall and had started weakening.
Zarrin hurried to his side and strengthened the wall. Soldiers had started pouring out of the buildings and running through the wall into the fight. Retarin started to sway out of exhaustion. Zarrin steadied him and saw his father running to them.
Zarrin looked exactly like his father, same dark hair, fiery eyes and broad light-skinned face. Only his fathers build was more muscular. His father was the captain of the village soldiers and one of the king's elite guard.
"Father, they are Air soldiers" Said Zarrin.
"I know" he said "You two get on a Phoenix and lead your Fire-horses out of the village. Only return when you see the village safe again"
"Anything else?" asked Zarrin.
"I have contacted the king; he has sent a group of the elite guard to aid us with supplies after the battle, if we win. If we lose, they will plan their next move. Now go!"
Zarrin's father ran to the fight. Zarrin and Retarin hurried to the Flight stable and each got on a Phoenix. The beasts rose upwards and flew to the dark sky. Two Fire-horses followed them on the ground. The flying mounts circled above the village and it would have been just a fight scene but they saw three horses with wings flying towards them.
"Pegasi" cried Retarin as a volley of arrows flew at them. Two of the riders wielded bows and one wielded a spear. The arrows shot in all directions as Zarrin flew towards the spearman. His sword erupted in fire and he tried to get close to the spearman. The spearman tried to stab at Zarrin but the Phoenix flew out of the way. He tried again but failed. He tried another time but this time, Zarrin blocked it with his shield and retaliated with a slash but missed. He threw a fire bolt at him but he dodged it. Zarrin carefully stood on his phoenix and got closer and jumped off his mount at the spearman. The spearman stabbed but missed by an inch. Zarrin's sword landed in the man's chest and he fell down with his Pegasus.
Zarrin was now falling to his death. He closed his eyes and braced himself for the impact but it never came. He opened his eyes and found himself in the talons of Retarin's phoenix which was now dodging arrows. The phoenix flew to the Fire-horses and dropped Zarrin on one.
Retarin was now shooting flaming arrows at the two remaining Pegasi. One fell first but the other was more agile. It moved fast as its rider shot arrows and directed them with the wind. The phoenix was starting to have a harder time maneuvering between shots.
Finally, an arrow hit the bowman's left arm and he dropped his bow. At the same time, one had hit the Phoenix's wing. Retarin quickly shot a final arrow and it landed in the Pegasus' wing and it fell now.
The Phoenix dropped Retarin on his Fire-horse below next to Zarrin and fell to its death.
"Where are we now?" asked Retarin.
"Far from Vartala." said Zarrin "I don't know where. But I have seen the battle. We will surely lose."
"Let's stop here and rest for the night. We will have to find the elite guard tomorrow."
"Let's contact them tomorrow and rest now."
Zarrin got off his mount and unlatched his saddle. Retarin followed suit. They placed them down and lied down on the rough ground. After a few minutes, their weariness had taken over.
the story will follow 4 protagonist. 1 of each element in a land of endless war, even though they have forgotten how the war started.
also, a name for the chapter would be appreciated
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
1) whats avatar the last airbender?
2) i noticed the lack of info at the beginning, still editing.
thanks again for your comments =D
I really liked it! The first thing that popped into my mind was that it sounded a lot like Avatar the Last Air Bender. I like the story and idea, but I found the start of the story hard to understand. When you meet Zarrin, you just get a name. You need more characterization for both of them. For the Bests, what do they look like? How big are they? What time of day is it? At the beginning I imagined it was day, but when the Air warriors attacked, I figured out that it was night. I want to read more, so keep it up!
lol, the village name was the 1st thing that came to my head. changed it to vartala and googled it to make sure it wasn't used b4 =D
only 4 countries and each is called "element" territory.
i dont see any problem with the commas, they are used correctly. or did u mean i should shorten the sentences?
in the beginning, i started with a slight headlock on the reader. couldnt find a way to make it any stronger. just jumped with a start and then explained the general setting of the world, along with some info about the main protagonist and his current life.
P.S. i edited it a little.
Wow, this was cool. I have to say--it was good.The setting was great, and the overall idea latches your attention. But with good comes bad. I found quite a few things in here.
First: I think you need a little more of an eye-catching start. That is really important. It is one of the biggest determining factors over if people will like it or not. I found it almost dragging during the first few paragraphs.
Second: Marinara, is it? Is it the name of the country? I am sorry to say, but just reminds me too much of marinara sauce. Consider that.
I found it extremely hard to grasp when you introduced both of the characters at one time. They need something unique to separate them from the other at the very beginning, for the reader to determine who the characters are. Either that, cut off a little information, or introduce the two of them at different times.
I actually found this entire entry like that--you are giving us an immensely large bowl of porridge to eat with an incredibly small spoon. Too much confusing information.
Oh, and one last thing...--the punctuation. I felt like my mind was strangling itself trying to read this. Commas would be great to pause and take a breath!
Thank you so much for sharing this! I make it sound like it was bad, but very much the opposite. It was really good. I would love to read more if you want to PM me when you post more!
--Lollipopper