Published January 21, 2010
At the start you seem
so calm, so willing to be
that sweet, careless thing
I often see.
But as we proceed
through that foggy sea
of night and day, of
living free
your eyes slowly turn
from faded blue
to firey green.
Your lips become red
and wet with sweat,
your skin goes from cream
to dark brown sheen.
Claws forcing their way
out your delicate hands,
which may
lash out against me
if they stay;
all Love concealed by
those thoughts on which
you prey.
Giving no heed
to the gentle tones I speak
your gaze follows me
until it all peaks-
you're closing in-
how can it have been
I never saw the hunger within
that fearless spin
you call a soul?
Too late now,
your claws unfold
instinct takes hold...
So much for children
So much for growing old.
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139,672 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Nicely done! It really makes me able to imagine all the detail. Hope you continue to write.
hey sup people person,
I know im a new member to all this bu isee alot in this. You work for some reason reminds meh of edgar allan poe, i personally love his work and i see him in you.
thank you for writing!!
thanks everyone, have taken great notice to your criticisms and may change a couple things... however I must clarify it's from the perspective of me (aka a female) not a guy, for whoever thought that was the case. it's important in terms of what the poem is trying to convey.
Wow that was really good! Lots of poems lose me attention quickly but I really wanted to read all of this one. The only thing I found that I would alter a bit is when you say, "I never saw the hunger within/that fearless spin/you call a soul?", I think it would flow better if there was no question mark and it was just a period, but either way it's an amazing poem.
Hello! This is very good. You make great use of rhyme and it flows really well. Your description is good as well - what you describe in places sounds a bit horrible and it made me a bit uncomfortable, which I think in this case is a good thing. Just here, though: "Claws forcing their way / out your delicate hands," I guess you omitted "of" to keep the meter the same and keep it flowing, but it just sounds a bit odd. Great job apart from that though. I especially like the last few lines, they finish off the poem nicely.
Wow im stunned... Amazing!!! your talent is overwhelming!! I... MUST...STEAL...YOUR...TALENT!! GOOOOOOD work !!!
Hey zephyrpig! Awesome username, by the way.
(Me? Like pigs? NEVER.)
I thought this was cool because I definitely got that sort of wicked witch feeling from it... and hey, we love wicked witches! However, I am curious... I want to know how the narrator responds to the witch. Right now, we just see what she does... which is pretty cool all by itself! But I think it would be a lot cooler to see what he does... it would give us a better idea of what kind of person he is. It'll be awesome, trust me!
Have fun playing with this!
wow, sad. You've got a great talent. There's alot of truth in this poem (and though I know absolutely nothing about falling in love, cause I'm only 14, I really enjoyed it!)even though I wouldn't notice it personally, it's still got agreat emotion. good job! I'll keep looking for your work!!
Peace!
~*~fairygirl~*~