Published March 6, 2010
MOD: rated 18+ for language.
When I fall asleep at night, I feel like my head is going to explode. I can't explain it any other way except to say, I get terrified and overwhelmed and it's a feeling so familiar I'm doing everything to avoid it these days. Nobody sees it coming, you know. Nobody ever really expects anyone else to basically drop off the face of the earth. There's always a part of you that fears they might, but when it happens, and it almost always does, you find yourself in complete shock. How you can be in shock, about something you obsess over every day, well, that's a fucking mystery.
I don’t know when it started, because I’ve never bothered to ask about how I slept as a baby. But most of my youngest memories involve sleep in some way. I was always afraid to go to bed, because I could never fall asleep without having all these terrible thoughts. And when I finally did surrender to that other world, it was full of monsters, oppressions, violence, and death. Sleep has never been a good thing for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of amazingly good dreams. I just wish I could say they made up for the bad ones. The dreams and memories (is there a difference, really?) that constantly haunt my subconscious. Claw at it, feed into it, pour into my mind ‘til I am all but defeated.
On a chilly March night, however, that all began to change.
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141,440 Literary Works • 674,431 Reviews
With all due respect, just get rid of the word. It's not worth getting your post reported.
-Minister
Hi there,
I'm going to give it to you honestly and this is how it is. For me, this piece is extremely lacking in clarity. Yeah sure, you're telling us of your bad dreams, but why? All I'm really getting from it is a little thought provoking vibe about your experiences, there's not really anything pulling me in. You need to explain more, give us some examples. I'd try and connect with the reader as well, this at the moment seems like its almost written for a friend and we don't know you like a friend would, so it doesn't sound right.
Also, remove the swear word, or rate it 18+ for strong language ~ there's kids on this site. I'd remove it if you want your work to be read by everyone.
Apart from those points this is well structured I guess so you've got a good basis, you've just got to refine the writing a little bit.
And tidy up simple errors such as this, it doesn't sound right as "subconscious".
Hope this helps & keep up the writing,
Ben
Hiya Zephyr.
Well, I find this slightly awkwardly phrased. Maybe it's just a personal opinion. But anyway, how do you think it would fit in if it went something like "I get terrified and overwhelmed and I'm doing everything to avoid this familiar feeling everyday." Or maybe not, if it sounds awkward to you. This is just a thought.That really is a very good piece. Thoughtful and nice. And I do agree with what Creative said about using the curse word.
Anyway, good work! I enjoyed it!
~Lava
Hi, there. This is really good. I liked it.
What kind of took me by surprise though was:
The curse word. Yeah, I'm not saying I'm against it or whatever, but the way you wrote differed to that one word. I heard a quote one time saying something like, "The usage of curse words show lack of intellectuality." And I have to say that that part right there proved the person who said that quote correct.
Other than that one part I really enjoyed this piece and thought it was very thoughtful.
-CreativeFreak