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Another day at the Mental Institute

by zephion


SLURP!

Bob sucked on his lollipop once again. He giggled at the noise that he made and did it again. This behavior was not standard for Bob, a garbage man with more tattoos than IQ points, but things like this happen in mental institutes.

As Bob dove into his twelfth lollipop Joe sat there, pounding his head against the wall, hoping without result that he would fall through. He had sat there for what seemed like years, and was rather sick of giggling and slurping. He tried his luck again.

“Now Bob,” said the exasperated employee, “I’m going to ask you again, where did you hide the keys?”

Bob just smiled and shook his head.

“Bob, I need you to tell me where those keys are.”

He shook his head again. Joe decided that this was going nowhere and backed off. He looked at the light blue door, which he had locked from the inside, just like protocol required. He had now been in here for five hours, all the other employees left before he managed to get to Bob's room. Ms. Lauterdale, Bob's room neighbor, had gotten stuck in the ceiling fan again, she was particularly difficult to get down today. Joe glanced at his watch; 11:30. He sighed, it was going to be another six hours until he could leave again, and by that time he might need a room of his own. Joe had checked everywhere, the lollipop jar, the cabinets, under the bed, and even in Bob's pockets. All Joe found were lollipop wrappers. Joe asked the garbage man again.

“Okay Bob, what is it going to take for you to tell me where those keys are?”

Bob lifted his sticky hand to his face in a moment of pondering.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmm………” pondered Bob.

“Well?”

“Story!” cried Bob.

Oh, thought Joe, this will be easy enough.

“Once upon a time there were three bears and—“

“NO!!”

“What do you want then?” questioned Joe.

“New story!” said Bob eagerly.

Joe, rolled his eyes, this was going to be harder than he thought. The only way he could think of pulling this off is with a completely new story. He started with a basic intro.

“Once upon a time there was a prince named Albert,” said Joe.

Bob made himself comfortable and ready to listen, still sucking on his lollipop.

“This prince, Albert, was extremely ugly and could never find a princess to marry him, so he ran to the magic wizard to ask him for help. The magic wizard told him that the only way to cure his inhumane ugliness was to go to the magic fountain which was deep in the, er, forest of scary and dangerous things.”

Bob gasped.

“Yes, have you heard of this forest before?” inquired Joe.

Bob shook his head solemnly.

“Well it has, er, scary, and, er, dangerous things.”

Bob gasped again and Joe continued.

“Now, Albert knew of the scary and dangerous things of this forest, so he borrowed a sword and shield from the wizard, but these turned out to be of no use to him, his hideous complexion was enough to chase off the monsters of the forest. Our hero made his way to the fountain, but the fountain still could not cure his ugliness, so it told him to go to the magical fairy on the top of the Really Tall Mountain.”

Bob, by this time had dropped his lollipop, and was at full attention for the end of the story.

“So,” started Joe once again, “Albert walked to the mountain and began to progress up its precarious peaks. He hiked through dangerous pits, and climbed steep slopes for a week straight. Albert could almost see the peak of the mountain and the fairy when he tripped and fell back down to the bottom again.”

Bob frowned, he didn’t like that part, Joe thought quickly.

“But, uh, he was to make it up, because, umm, he took the elevator to the top of the wicked mountain.”

Bob clapped and cheered for Albert.

“Now the ugly prince was able to speak with the fairy. The fairy told Albert that she must meditate for many days and many nights to find out a way to solve this predicament. As the fairy meditated Albert searched through her house. In her house he found a cabinet, filled with many magical remedies. He could not find one for his particular problem, so he decided to mix them. He grabbed a few bottles and mixed them, only to find that they did nothing. He moved on. Albert found the fairy’s book of spells. He tried a few, just to find that none of them worked. Albert began to have his suspicions and marched back out to the fairy.”

Bob was biting his nails, sensing that the end of the story was about to come.

“Albert confronted the fairy who told him that there was nothing magic could do to cure his ugliness, and that he was on his own. Albert, now quite upset, marched back down the mountain, through the forest of scary and dangerous things and back to his castle. He then asked his very rich father to buy him a full facial reconstruction, which worked like a charm. The moral of the story is to not rely on magic to give you what science can.”

Bob clapped and cheered for the end of the story, satisfied.

“Now Bob,” said Joe, “will you please tell me where the keys are?”

Bob thought about this for a moment or two and nodded.

“Where are they?” asked Joe.

Bob patted his stomach.

“YOU ATE THEM!!” screamed Joe.

Bob giggled and nodded. Joe now considered himself to be screwed and stuck here for the night. He glanced at his watch; 12:30. Bob continued to lick his lollipop as if nothing had ever happened. Joe curled up in a fetal position on the floor and hoped that he would not be insane come morning.


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Sun Apr 21, 2013 9:12 pm
Swagmonkey wrote a review...



Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta




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Sun Apr 21, 2013 9:11 pm
Swagmonkey wrote a review...



Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta Me gusta




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Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:36 pm
Swagmonkey wrote a review...



Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo




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Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:35 pm
Swagmonkey wrote a review...



Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo




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Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:35 pm
Swagmonkey wrote a review...



Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo




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Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:34 pm
Swagmonkey says...



Really good im proud of u




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Fri Jan 25, 2013 3:14 am
IngridClayre says...



I really love this! It is SO funny! I was laughing so hard while reading this!




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Sat Jul 16, 2011 7:53 pm
0o0Redrum0o0 says...



This story was pretty funny. Short yes, but I don't see any reason to lengthen it. I like how it really doesn't have a point to it, which that makes it all the better.




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Thu Jun 23, 2011 6:12 am
abhi92misra wrote a review...



Hey Zephion. First of all I must say that it was a very good effort from your part. The story was funny overall with the end being even funnier.
However, it did not seem to have any captivating plot, with the end being too sudden, obvious and quick. You could have developed more on the light, funny start you gave by being more descriptive and making the reader more curious about the lost keys, and then smoothly disclosing the secret in the end.




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Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:06 am
stargazer9927 wrote a review...



#FF0000 ">Red: Grammar/spelling mistakes
#0000FF ">Blue: My comments
#008000 ">Green: It would sound better like...

Spoiler! :
SLURP!

Bob sucked on his lollipop once again. He giggled at the noise that he made and did it again. This behavior was not standard for Bob, a garbage man with more tattoos than IQ points, but things like this happen in mental institutes.
As Bob delved #0000FF ">I had to look this word up and it doesn't seem to mean anything related to what you're talking about. Did you mean dove? into his twelfth lollipop Joe sat there, pounding his head against the wall. He had sat there for what seemed like years, and was rather sick of giggling and slurping. He tried his luck again.

“Now Bob,” said the exasperated employee #FF0000 ">[Comma] “I’m going to ask you again, where did you hide the keys#FF0000 ">[?]

Bob just smiled and shook his head.

“Bob, I need you to tell me where those keys are #FF0000 ">[period]

He shook his head again. Joe decided that this was going nowhere and backed off. He looked at the door, which he had locked from the inside, #008000 ">just like protocol required. He had now been in here for five hours, all the other employees left before he managed to get to Bob#FF0000 ">[']s room. Ms. Lauterdale, Bob#FF0000 ">[']s room neighbor, had gotten stuck in the ceiling fan again. #0000FF ">Huh? A person got stuck in a ceiling fan and this employee wasn't even concerned? Joe glanced at his watch; 11:30. He sighed, it was going to be another six hours until he could leave again, and by that time he might need a room of his own.

“Okay Bob, what is it going to take for you to tell me where those keys are?”

Bob lifted his sticky hand to his face in a moment of pondering.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmm………” pondered Bob.

“Well?”

“Story!” cried Bob.

Oh, thought Joe, this will be easy enough.

“Once upon a time there were three bears and#FF0000 ">--["]

“NO!!”

“What do you want then?” questioned Joe.

“New story!” said Bob #0000FF ">eagerly#FF0000 ">[period]

Somehow Joe knew this wasn’t going to be easy. #0000FF ">Didn't he just say it was going to be easy? The only way he could think of pulling this off is with a completely new story. He started #008000 ">with a basic story.

“Once upon a time there was a prince named Albert #FF0000 ">[comma]#FF0000 ">[s]aid Joe.

Bob made himself comfortable and ready to listen, still sucking on his lollipop.

“This prince, Albert, was extremely ugly and could never find a princess to marry him, so he ran to the magic wizard to ask him for help. The magic wizard told him that the only way to cure his inhumane ugliness was to go to the magic fountain which was deep in the, er, forest of scary and dangerous things.”

Bob gasped.

“Yes, have you heard of this forest before?” inquired Joe.

Bob shook his head solemnly.

“Well it has, er, scary, and, er, dangerous things.”

Bob gasped again and Joe continued.

“Now, Albert knew of the scary and dangerous things of this forest, so he borrowed a sword and shield from the wizard, but these turned out to be of no use to him, his hideous complexion was enough to chase off the monsters of the forest. Our hero made his way to the fountain, but the fountain still could not cure his ugliness, so it told him to go to the magical fairy on the top of the Really Tall Mountain.”

Bob, by this time had dropped his lollipop, and was at full attention for the end of the story.

“So,” started Joe once again, “Albert walked to the mountain and began to progress up its precarious #0000FF ">nice use of vocabulary:) peaks. He hiked through dangerous pits, and climbed steep slopes for a week straight. Albert could almost see the peak of the mountain and the fairy when he tripped and fell back down to the bottom again.”

Bob frowned, he didn’t like that part, Joe thought quickly.

“But, uh, he was to make it up, because, umm, he took the elevator to the top of the wicked mountain.”

Bob clapped and cheered for Albert.

“Now the ugly prince was able to speak with the fairy. The fairy told Albert that she must meditate for many days and many nights to find out a way to solve this predicament. As the fairy meditated Albert searched through her house. In her house he found a cabinet, filled with many magical remedies. He could not find one for his particular problem, so he decided to mix them. He grabbed a few bottles and mixed them, only to find that they did nothing. He moved on. Albert found the fairy’s book of spells. He tried a few, just to find that none of them worked. Albert began to have his suspicions and marched back out to the fairy.”

Bob was biting his nails, sensing that the end of the story was about to come.

“Albert confronted the fairy who told him that there was nothing magic could do to cure his ugliness, and that he was on his own. Albert, now quite upset, marched back down the mountain, through the forest of scary and dangerous things and back to his castle. He then asked his very rich father to buy him a full facial reconstruction, which worked like a charm. The moral of the story is to not rely on magic to give you what science can.” #0000FF ">Nice. I like this guy's character. I could see my father doing this to me as a child:)

Bob clapped and cheered for the end of the story, satisfied.

“Now Bob,” said Joe #FF0000 ">[comma] “will you please tell me where the keys are?”

Bob thought about this for a moment or two and nodded.

“Where are they?” asked Joe.

Bob patted his stomach.

“YOU ATE THEM!!” screamed Joe. #0000FF ">Huh? Could that actually happen?

Bob giggled and nodded. Joe now considered himself to be screwed and stuck here for the night. He glanced at his watch; 12:30. Bob continued to lick his lollipop as if nothing had ever happened. Joe curled up in a fetal position on the floor and hoped that he would not be insane come morning.


I thought it was a funny story and I think it had a little bit of a storyline, but not a lot. I think you made the story he told Bob the main idea of the entire story and it wasn't even relevant (Although it was funny).

One thing that really bothered me was what kind of mental insitution was this? I thought mental people were crazy, not people that acted like three year olds. Of course I've never been to one, but that wasn't what I pictured.

Correct all your grammar and develope your story a bit more and this will be great. Good luck!




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192 Reviews

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Reviews: 192

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Tue Jun 21, 2011 1:37 am
EloquentDragon wrote a review...



I'll be very brief.
This was strange, and very funny. However, it isn't really a story. There's not really anything happening here. It's sort of flat.
You also might want to work on pacing. This piece was way too fast.
So overall, a couple rewrites and this could be ten times better.





As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda