Note: This is a description of a panic attack/night terror. Please critique and share any ideas or dislikes! Thanks...
Luna woke up in a cold sweat, screaming. Disturbing images spilled in to her mind in intense waves. She felt her bed shaking and vibrating underneath her. The walls blurred together in a swirl and her floor disappeared in to a dark void. Her throat closed up and she coughed incoherently.
Something was touching her; something was trying to lift her. Blue and red lights flashed and danced in the wild melt of reality. Voices sang in her ear loudly as everything went blank.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I think first off you could write a lot more to describe it. I didn't really feel anything reading this. I thought maybe you were writing a story of a girl being sent to a different planet or something... The second paragraph is really short, and you could make it so much longer. Put more description in. If your going to write short tid bits like this just make sure to put enough in it leave the reader actually satisfied at least.
Some of your lines that have already been pointed out by other reviewers are really nice. Just others need help.
If you have any questions PM me!
-Boo
As said above, I love the line "Blue and red lights flashed and danced in the wild melt of reality". It dipicted great imagery.
Being someone who suffer
eds from night terrors, this was interesting to read. I don't believe I've ever woken up screaming, and then disturbing images were in my mind. It's usually a before during and after kind of deal. I like it when you said, "She felt her bed shaking and vibrating underneth her" because that is something that actually happens. You get so terrified you're shaking, so the bed shakes with you.This was good. Keep it up.
Love and other things,
fictionfanatic
Hi there,
Alright, first the nitpicks:
As I'm sure you know, this is very short. You could do a lot more here. To me the ending felt incomplete. Also, if I interpreted your piece correctly it is supposed to be very emotional. However, it actually feels very flat to me, almost like an outsider is serenely watching a video of what Luna is feeling. By adding sensory details (you have a few already like "She felt her bed shaking and vibrating" and "Voices sang") you can give the piece more emotion. Think about how Luna would be feeling, using every sense, and try to describe it using words that make it understandable to the reader.
Alright, I'm going to finish off with the positives:
As I said, I really like the sentence
To me it really makes sense--I can picture it and relate to Luna in this sentence. I also enjoyed your use of the describing word "spilled" in the second sentence. If you take sentences like these and work more of them into your story, people will really be able to relate to Luna.
You could definitely take this piece further and really flesh it out, or, of course, leave it as is. Do what seems right to you! Hope this helps, and thanks for the read!
Sare