“Hey! Stop it! That tickles!” I laughed out loud, poking my older brother. “Yeah, it does, doesn't it?” He replied innocently and stuck his tongue out at me. My Mother and Father stood a few feet away, smiling at us. We were lucky they had the time. They were the King and Queen of Daanar, after all. I struggled free from his grasp. “Mommy! How did the council meeting go?” “Yeah Mom! Howdit go!” Her smile sunk. “Well...Er…” I stared her in the eye. “Not well, I presume?” I said, taking on a more mature appearance, if that was possible for a child of a mere 20 years. (This is like, 3 for shifters) “Um...Yes.” My mother sighed. “Shaylin threatened war.” I frowned. “You mean Miss MeanyMean?” I used my nickname for the Queen of Exodius. She laughed. “ Yes. I thought it was Miss MeanyQueen?” “I changed it” I announced. Talixx, my brother chuckled. “Of course you did, Viney.” I laughed. This was my life, I thought. It could never change, I thought. I had never been so wrong.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
“Mom! I don’t want to go up! I wanna help!” I was approaching my first century, had lost my baby fangs, had a normal fang knocked out by Talixx, and was very good at magic, as we had found out when I nearly destroyed the castle. “NO Vinegrasp, you and Talixx are staying where its safe!” “No I’m not- Mom!” Shoot. She had teleported me to Talixx’s room, where he was slumped against the bed, bouncing a small ball of energy. “Nothin’ you can do Viney.” “But-but-ugh!” I joined him, falling against the bed with a “ploomph” “Why did this happen on my birthday?” He sighed. “Mom and Dad are right. You should stay here, where it’s safe.” “Why did she attack us though? It’s not fair!” He looked at me
sarcastically, then softened his expression. “It isn’t. We should be out there helping, but
what we think doesn’t matter. Mom and Dad said no, and no means- WHAT ARE YOU DOING!” I looked at him calmly. “Testing a spell. Flight. I fell out the window of the tower, My brother yelling after me, his hand stretched out, trying to catch something that wasn’t there any more. I didn’t have time to smile, for a horrible pain rippled through my back. “Ow!” I yelped, and looked back. Oh. Right. Flight. Wings. Yeah. I unfurled my wings, although they were a bit midgety. Well, first time spell and all that. “How do I- ow!” Flying was not as easy as I expected, and I had almost flown into the castle wall. “Vinegrasp!” My brother hovered next to me, his own signature bat wings flapping. He made flying look effortless. “I’m going with you.” We didn’t expect the castle to blow up.
………………………………………………………………….
We were thrown down to the ground. “What the-!” A scared looking guard backed away. “Princess Vinegrasp-Lord Talixx!” He bowed, falling to the ground on his knees. “Forgive me, my Lord and Lordress, but aren’t you supposed to be up there there?” He gestured to former tower, then did a double take. “Wha-Oh! Forgive me!” He started to bow, when I interrupted. “Don’t bow. It’s annoying.” Talixx glared at me, but spoke. “Yes, you can be our bodyguard.” “Yes Sir!” We carefully picked our way through the rubble of the palace, climbing over huge blocks of stone and marble. “Say…” Talixx said. “I wonder who blew the castle up anyhow? Destroying a building that size takes enormous energy…” The guard shook in terror. “I think I see who did it…” We then heard a voice that seemed to echo from the sky. “Huh. Well then, that makes my job a lot easier.”
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Shaylin looked a lot scarier than I expected. Her sword that she held was drenched in silver, making my blood run cold. The color of a Shifter’s lifeblood. To my surprise, Talixx spoke.
“Where’s Mother and Father?” “Hmmm? Oh, right, well I don’t know.” Talixx sighed in relief. “They’re okay.” The Queen scoffed. “I don’t know where your parents are, because I don’t know where the Shifter afterlife is .” The guard was long gone. He had run off. Traitor. The rest of my 100th birthday was a blur. Talixx lunged at her, only to have her teleport away, so he landed on the rubble. She locked me in a force cage, despite my protests. My brother shouted obscenities at her, until he was locked up in a similar fashion. I do remember one thing clearly though. My first offensive spell. It was a desperate one, and a weak one at that. But for a child, it was impressive. From inside my force cage, I shot a small missile. Just a little one. It was made up of thorny vines. Rose vines. That spell cost me dearly though. I blacked out, having of used too much of my life force. Too bad I didn’t see the look on her face.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I woke up in a hospital bed. It was white, with itchy sheets. Gingerly picking myself up, I stared down at myself. My royal attire was gone, leaving only my unremovable base layer. I touched the top of my head. No tiara. I sighed. “Oh, good you’re awake.” A slow, droning male voice said. A doctor, based off where he was. I stood up carefully, examining myself for cuts near my lifeblood. None. Good. Being a young Shifter, losing any lifeblood could be fatal. As if he read my mind, he nodded. “You’re not injured.” “Where am I.” I said it as a demand, not a question. “Might want to watch your tone, PRINCESS.” He laughed cruelly, emphasising the last word. “Where am I?” I said, smiling my prettiest smile sarcastically. “Exodius.” At my stony silence, he chuckled. “Sorry. Come on, the Queen needs to see you.” I half walked/half trudged to the throne room. The Queen was waiting
for me, and to my satisfaction, she was scraped on her arm. By a rose thorn. Shame I missed my target. I curtsied sarcastically, pinching an imaginary skirt. She smiled, not seeing my sarcasm. “Good. But I prefer bows. Salutes work well too.” I glowered. “Is my brother okay?” “As long as you behave well, yes.” She checked her sundial. “In about an hour an...escort to the mines will arrive. Wanted to wish you off personally.” She gloated. I cocked an eyebrow, though terrified. “I’ll be useless.” “You’ll learn, I’m sure. Make yourself comfortable!” She trailed off, and walked away. I sat down, curled into a fetal position, and began to cry.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Two weeks later…
Another Shifter had come to the coal mines. She was a lot younger then me, and I was surprised they hadn’t executed her. For children that young, they were considered useless. Her name was Shadow. Apt, considering her pitch black hair and quiet demeanor. I hadn’t heard anything from my brother. I wonder if Shaylin lied…. “Hey! Veevee!” Yah. REALLY young. “VEEVEE!” She shouted in my ear. “What?” I snapped. She frowned. “Don’t be mean. The royal messenger is hea.” My ears perked up. “The Messenger? Are you sure?” I said, trying to keep dread out of my voice. “Mmmhmm! He has a buncha pokey things! He said it wouldn’t hurt, but it did.” I glowered. “Probably some sort of tracker.” She tilted her head. “Whatsa tracker? Doggies track, so does it mean he put a little doggy into me?” I chuckled at her innocence. “No, this means they can know where you are.” She looked disappointed. “Oh. Veevee, when we get out, can I have a doggy? It’ll go ‘BARK BARK BARK!’ whenever a meany comes and tries to get us, and it’ll be black and green, just like you!” “Ya, sure.” I responded, not listening, he was coming this way…
He pulled out a needle about half the length of my pinkie, and he prepared to grab me, smiling almost evilly. Instinctively, I struck the side of his head, bashing his temple, and grabbing the needle. “GO VEEVEE!” Shadow shouted at the top of her lungs. That brought me back to reality, and the adrenaline faded. What had I done? The messenger was out cold, and I could see the dim shimmer of lifeblood oozing out of his temple. “Awww… Why’d ya stop?” “Yes... why did you stop?!” A less childish and darker voice said. I grasped my needle protectively, and moved in front of Shadow. “Why are you here?” I growled. Shaylin popped into existence. “Eh? Oh, well, I have a psychic link with the messenger, so when he started thinking ‘Gahhh! I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die!’ that kind of got my attention.” “Well then, guess I’m busted.” I smiled weakly. “Not really. If you could do that-” Shaylin gestured to the messenger. “-with NOTHING imagine what you could do with a real weapon! You would be awesome!” I didn’t like the greedy look in her eye “State your terms.” She smiled. “Anything you want, and all you have to do is become my Queenling.” That’s it? Then it’s a done deal. “Set my brother free in the palace. He’d make a good new messenger, his flight spell is excellent.” She nodded. “Not convenient, but okay. Anything else?” I thought for a moment. Where would Shadow be safe? “Do you have a kennel?” I asked. She frowned. “No.” “Now you do, and Shadow would be the perfect trainer.” She harumphed. “Fine, fine. Kennel it is.” “And living quarters for both of them.” “FINE. You sure the girl can’t sleep in the kenn-” “NO!” Shadow and I shouted simultaneously, although her’s was more a “NYO!” “Fine. Great deal, yada, yada, yada. Follow me.” With a dramatic whoosh of her skirt, we followed.
…
Six Centuries Later……. ..……. Okay actually like, 5.62 Centuries Later…
I had impressed the Queen with my magic prowess, and she decided she was ready to retire. My coronation was tonight, and I was, naturally, excited. I now knew almost all the spells ever created, and was an accomplished scribe myself. There was only one of my spells I never dared to attempt more than once. Rosethorn…. No. I couldn’t think about Talixx’s… misfortune. He had been in the way. It wasn’t my fault. It had been a few years ago, when I was just brushing up on Instants. I tried it and… bad things happen. I was just glad Shadow was okay. She had trained all the dogs there, and was then very bored, so she was moved to the stables. She still hadn’t finished all the horses. It was a day of celebration, the eve of a New Queen. I knew my first step. Free all the elves. They were getting annoying, staging “rebellions” and silly things like that. Never mind that. I had a very important schedule to keep. I knew I had something at ten o’ clock. Ugh. A HAIRDRESSING appointment. I could just do that myself, couldn’t I? But no, Harett, the hairdresser always said “The hands can do what magic cannot.” So no backing out of that.
I crept toward the salon, if I made too much noise she would berate me for being “un-lady like” I never pointed out Shaylin wasn’t exactly “lady-like”, as she usually randomly blew up things for fun. Should have, could have… didn’t. So, here I was. She looked me over, and widened her eyes in horror. “Child! What is wrong with you! Coming to me covered in grime! Use your magic, it’s good enough for that.” Rolling my eyes, I did as she said. Typical Harett. I cast the spell, and off she went, grabbing powders and creams and anything else she could think of. She yanked my hair. “Ow!” “It’s too dry. Fix it!” “Okay, okay.” I summoned some of the water in the air and splashed it into my hair. “No, no, now it’s wet! Can’t you do a thing right!” She took a weird powder from her counter and
sprinkled it onto my hair. “There! This is a big deal you know. Especially for me! YOU WILL LOOK YOUR BEST!” I sighed. The powder was apparently working, because she smiled. “Your hair is okay now. Now let’s get it out of that nasty braid.” “OW!” I screeched as she pulled my string keeping it in place out. She brushed my hair like a maniac, furiously swiping down. After twenty minutes of misery, she grinned like a cat on catnip. “Perfect darling.” “My scalp does not appreciate you.” “Your scalp is wrong.” I practically stormed out of the salon.
I was standing in a somewhat royal position, in front of the noble class of Exodius, the capital city where I resided. Queen Shaylin was taking her retirement oaths. “I hereby pass on my queendom to the Vinegrasp.” My turn. My only line. I could see Shadow smiling at me, nodding as I glanced at her. “I accep-” “CRASH!” A window shattered, and the nobles screamed in terror. Mist enveloped those who were left. Shaylin widened her eyes. “What is this?!” She yelled. “Who dares interrupt!” A shadowy figure emerged from the window. The mist faded, and I could see… an elf! I let out a breath of relief. ANOTHER lame-o rebellion. Shaylin clearly saw to, as she rolled her eyes. “Oh god. Not this again. Seriously, are you even armed?” The elf smiled. “Yes.” He drew a bow at an amazing speed, and with a heavy “THUNK” Shaylin was dead. “If there’s one thing you Shifters are good at, it’s weaponry. Now what to do with you…” I guessed it wouldn’t be good, but I didn’t expect what was coming. “Is she important?” He said with a sadistic grin, gesturing at Shadow. I conjured a rose, and glared at him. “No one hurts her.” “So the Shifter does have a weakness, well not any- OW!” He got a side full of sharp thorns. He gave me a piercing glare. My rose turned into a pure black sword. I lunged at him. “Run!” I shouted at Shadow while sparing with the elf. Her eyes were big and scared, and she ran toward the gates of the gardens where the coronation was held. He was surprisingly good, and we both got in a few good slashes when I realized I had magic. Unfortunately, he also remembered he had similar abilities . “Teleport!” We yelled simultaneously, followed by “Great gods of mischief! He/She has magic!” We didn’t get to exchange swearing however, as we both disappeared too fast.
I appeared next to Shadow, who jumped in surprise. “He has magic.” I said, rather bluntly. “Oh. That’s not good.” She said in a wise voice. “Did he get your life signature?” She referred to the building block codes that made all of us up. “No. I don’t think so at least.” If they had that, they could track you and teleport to you. I had Shadow’s, and she had mine. It was a sign of ultimate trust. Shadow let out a breath of relief. “Good. C’mon. I found a way out.” She pointed toward Rathen St, a good way to get out, but also well known. I shook my head. “It’ll be too busy.” Shadow looked uncomfortable. “Veevee… they didn’t hit the coronation first. It was their last stop.” My blood ran ice cold. “What do you mean?” I said, knowing exactly what she meant. “There is no district… I mean Exodius.” I let the district comment slip. She was a fan of the Hunger Games*, or whatever that cheesy elven novel was called. I suspected as much, and I wasn’t that badly hurt by it. It was their own fault this happened, after all. “Okay. Still, there might be guards.” “True, but you can take ‘em!” I nodded. “But I can’t take the leader. He’s probably looking for us.” “Ding Ding Ding! Ten points for the Queenling.” I swiveled and took out my magical rose. “Where are you?! I can’t hit you if I can’t see you.” “Exactly!” An arrow stabbed me on my shoulder. “AHH!” I yelped. I peered at the wound. There was a thin trickle of silver blood running down my arm, but it would be fine. I didn’t have time to clean it though, because I heard his voice again. “Guards! Surround her.” I could take a few GUARDS, but these were mages decked out in mithril. And there were about fifteen of them. Shadow was shaking in terror, and it didn’t help that the mages had their staffs all pointed at us, glowing with fiery magic. The elven leader wheeled out a red glass ball. “Oof. This thing is heavy.” He muttered. He announced a little bit louder: “Which first? Hmmm… Eenie meenie miny mo, catch a Shifter by the toe… you!” To my horror, he was pointing a Shadow. “No!” I shouted and stabbed one of the mages in the stomach, who immediately fell flat on his face and bled to death. The other mages immediately put force fields around themselves, and one generous put a force field around the leader. “Okay, Ms. Anger Management Issues. And… Ya, No.” The ball started pulsing, and Shadow began to disappear. “Help me!” She yelled. “Help! HELP!” She winked out of existence. “You next!” The elf said cheerily. I began to disappear. “My names Tavar, by the way. Tavar Silverbow. Bye bye!” He grinned. I glared, but to late. I popped into the glass ball. All I saw was white. I struck my hand against the white wall. It vibrated, but nothing more. “Vinegrasp?” “Shadow! I’ll get us out!” “Okay… you promise?” “Of course!” I said, hesitantly. “Vinegrasp?” “Yah?” “You’re lying.”
End of chapter
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
It's a clever and interesting premise - the contrast between the different spells is very creative, the names are original, and the affection that Vinegrasp has for Shadow is portrayed very well.
So, since I can see you're new to YWS, I'll give you a heads up - this is the part where I point out errors and give you ways to fix them. So please consider this constructive criticism, not sitting-on-the-sidelines criticism.
Now, there are a few execution issues. First, the paragraphs aren't separated. The last one is actually over five hundred words long, which is more information than your average reader is willing to digest at any given time. Try splitting them up into several sections, ones that revolve around a single idea.
For example, if your character walks to a chair and sits down, make that a single paragraph. If your character walks to a chair, sits down, and then pulls out a gun and shoots their own ambassador in the head because she wants to destabilize the relations between countries, split that up so that the reader can digest the character’s new development as a traitor. That way, it will make your story much more manageable to read.
In addition, here's a standard rule of thumb for writing dialogue.
Whenever a different character speaks, put the speech in a new paragraph.
Sorry, I just wanted to put that in bold so that you would remember it. Look up and read it again, just to make sure.
Got it? Okay.
Recall the first rule about paragraph formatting - split the blocks of text into manageable chunks. Understand that this rule also applies to dialogue, since dialogue - along with all other text - is part of a larger paragraph. What does this mean? Let me show you.
Instead of this...
Try something more like this.
Just a little interjection: The reason I separated 'exactly' and 'an arrow stabbed me on my shoulder' is because the latter is a surprise. When something is unexpected, it takes a bit for the reader to fully grasp it. More on this later.
These are all manageable paragraph sizes because they all revolve around a single idea. Now, the exact point at which you should separate a paragraph is almost an art form, and like any art form, practicing and observing how others do it is essential to get better at it.
Next Concept: How To Separate Actions Effectively
The last separation between 'surround her' and 'I could take' is also important. When Silverbow orders his guards to surround her, action is taking place. It's implied action, i.e. the story never directly says, "And now the guards are surrounding her," but the reader still imagines the mages moving into formation.
If there's no separation, no time in between the action to let it sink in, then it almost seems like the story is moving on fast-forward.
In this sentence, the lack of separation makes it seem - to the reader, at least – like no time at all has passed between Silverbow's command and Vinegrasp's thought about the mage-guards. By introducing the two ideas right next to each other, the mages get no time to actually do their action in the reader's imagination.
If you separate Silverbow's command and Veevee's thought, like I did farther above, then the reader's eyes have to flick between the spaced paragraphs. That way, their imagination gets the extra nanosecond it needs to process the implied action and mentally move the mages into a surrounding position around Vinegrasp.
I would say the biggest issue in this piece is the fast-forward-story problem. (Don’t worry – it’s actually a really good problem to have. I’ll explain later.)
The main cause of the fast-forward-story problem is the inclusion of too much action without enough padding. I view these concepts as two balancing forces in a sentence.
The definition of padding is anything that extends the time it takes to read the action. Padding falls into two general categories: 1. The separation of ideas (mostly taking place in paragraphs), like I stated above, and 2. The imagery and description given to the action.
In the first sentence, there’s only action. Travis is hiking, period. In the second sentence, Travis is still hiking, but the padding gives the reader much more to digest about where he’s hiking, how he’s hiking, and what the surroundings look like. Not only does this add to the imagery, but it also reinforces the fact that Travis is hiking several times over, which is another benefit of using padding.
I think it’s time for a metaphor.
Imagine you’re eating taco chips with a delicious mix of salsa and sour cream. If you run out of sauce, you can still eat the raw chips, but they don’t taste nearly as good. It’s the same idea with the action and padding; if there’s too much raw action and not enough padding on it, the story will confuse the reader, since its lack of pauses between actions seems to make the plot progress in fast-forward.
Imagine you have too much sauce and not enough chips. You’re forced to load a bunch of dip onto a single chip, which isn’t good either. If you have too much padding on too few actions, it will often bore the reader as the story, in its lack of action, seems to go in slow-motion. And, obviously, your story cannot consist of only padding, in much the same way that you can’t eat raw dip.
We know the causes of the fast-forward-story problem (action > padding), and I’ve shown you two different methods of fixing it – separation of ideas and describing the action. However, you might be wondering, why does the FFSP exist?
This is a 47-word paragraph containing nothing but action.
This is a 54-word paragraph containing action and padding.
Where are these two paragraphs in terms of their story? The first has already reached its end in forty-seven words, while the second – despite being longer - hasn’t even gotten to the part where Terry enters the bank. In fact, I could have created an entire paragraph for Terry’s hacking skills alone. Padding slows the story down, while action speeds it up.
Every person is different, but an avid reader will read quickly, only taking about five or six seconds to read even the longest sentence. This is because every high-quality story has a moderate amount of padding and action. That reading speed makes the story move at a normal rate in their mind.
When you remove the padding, the reader still digests at the same rate. And remember what I said before – when you don’t have separation between two events, the reader imagines them as taking place with little or no time in between.
So basically, what you have is a reader that is rapidly digesting the story because they are expecting padding, descriptions and separations, to slow down the pace of the narrative. But when they only receive action without any separation, they move through the events extremely quickly, jumping from one to the next without taking time to fully grasp what’s happened, causing their imagination to move – you guessed it – in fast-forward.
The fast-forward-story problem is actually a great problem to have. Think about it: you have too much action. This means that, when you fix it by adding separation and descriptions, your story could very well turn a few pages into several chapters.
Phew… did I succeed in totally botching that explanation?
Anyway, as a final summary or as a TLDR, these are the three things you should take from this review: 1. Separate the paragraphs, 2. Describe the action, and 3. Every time a new character talks, make it a new paragraph.
Thanks for taking the time to read, although I inadvertently made this thing almost four pages long, so I can’t blame you if you didn’t.
-Crunch
Thank you very much! I've had people tell me my work is oddly- A.K.A. not- spaced. But now I know how to do it! Thank you!
Also, I doubt I have the time to go through and fix all the changes, so it might not change, but I will keep it in mind for future writing.
No problem - re-doing the story just to fix that would be difficult, to say the least.
this really is a very long prolouge!
I really love where this story is going and it had me hooked from very early on which I always a sign of a Good writer. The characters have lots of personality and I find Vinegrasp a very relatable character as well as an intriguing name (good job on names throughout the whole piece actually) Shadow is also a very sweet quite character and I really like the rapport between these two characters. I think I would have liked to hear more about how the two girls met as well as more information on where shadow came from.
GEEP GOING!
Your plot is also very exiting here and I really can't wait to read on, I adored the idea of Vinegrasp becomming an unconventional queen and this story as a whole is looking to become something I've never read before. The hunger games references where clever as I was under the impression this was set in the past until then and now I know it's a modern day setting I have many more questions.
One thing I did notice was that your paragraphs where huge which isn't really an issue here because it creates this fast pace action that keeps me reading. Maybe break them down a little bit further on to add tension.
One more thing, please go into more detail what happened to Talixx because he seems like
A really great character and the fact Vinesgrasp has lost so much in her life I.e parents, is going to make this a really interesting read.