Dorana stepped onto the dock. Her fists trembled with rage and tears dripped down her freckled cheeks. Tarlis turned to look at Dorana. She stared at him and fell to her knees. Exotic birds chattered quietly, as if they were talking about the three strange Dowanan on the docks.
“Why did you kill Kanin, Tarlis?! WHY?!” Dorana cried. Her voice cracked. Tarlis looked at Kanin’s lifeless body. Dorana leaned forward and sobbed. Several birds cried out alongside her, as if they mourned the young Dowanan’s death.
“Dorana, please believe me…” Tarlis said weakly. The male Dowanan stepped toward Dorana and kneeled beside her. Dorana continued to sob, her rage overcome with grief. Her body trembled. A small wet patch had formed on the dock under her head. Tarlis gently laid his hand on Dorana’s shoulder.
“Please, Dorana, you have to believe me. I did not kill your brother,” he said. Dorana pulled her head up and looked at Tarlis. He smiled softly at her. She threw his hand off her shoulder angrily. Tarlis took a few steps back and looked into Dorana’s eyes.
“Then who did, Tarlis?” Dorana barked. She stood up and kneeled by her baby brother’s body, sighing softly. The birds chattered again and leaves rustled as if they were bouncing around furiously.
“Nevin,” Tarlis said softly. “Nevin took your brother’s life, and he plans to kill you too.”
Dorana turned to Tarlis, an eerie grin spreading across her lips. Her amethyst eyes flickered mischievously. She dashed down the pier and smiled madly at Tarlis.
“Come on,” she said, chuckling crazily. Tarlis stepped to Kanin and lifted his body. He nodded to Dorana and they walked back to their town of Tipyrc. The streets were crowded and Dorana climbed up a pile of boxes.
“Out of the way! One of our own has been murdered!” she cried. The townspeople gasped and turned to look at Tarlis. Several women began to weep. Voices began to rise up in anger.
“Calm down, friends. I assure you, I will find the person who has committed this crime and I will bring him to justice,” Dorana spoke with determination. Cheers erupted from the townspeople and they cleared a path. Tarlis continued along the street and Dorana followed, answering questions and receiving condolences from the people she passed. The walk to the chapel seemed strangely long as the two carried Kanin to where he would be laid to rest, like the Dowanan before him.
“Dorana, my daughter! I’ve heard… my poor sweet Kanin…” a voice whispered. Dorana turned; her mother had already donned her mourning attire, even in the muggy heat of the jungle. The Dowanan woman, Larena, fell to her knees. Tarlis set Kanin on a nearby table and began cleaning up his wounds. Dorana wandered to her mother’s side and sat next to her. Larena buried her face in her oldest child’s shoulder and began to weep.
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Canary word: Present
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129,874 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
Pretty good!
Only thing is that I'm a little confused about the part where they talk about who killed Kanin. First Dorana is really mad at Tarlis and she is hating on him, then all of a sudden, once he says that he didn't kill her brother, then she believes him right off the bat. That transition between her anger at Tarlis to her anger at Nevin doesn't really flow smoothly to me.
Also you should probably describe what happened to Kanin, or what his body looks like after he is dead, so we know the horror of what the enemies are doing to the Dowanans.
Overall, good job!
Why exotic? It takes away from the moment, just say birds.
OK, this is too much bird reference... you could say more birds...
I feel this is a bad transition... She immediately gives up her dead brother and grins... Just a bad transition.
Exclamation mark and whispered don't fit well together. I recommend finding a new first part there.
All in all a good piece, I'll review more probably. A little weak on the transitions, but they aren't terrible... except for the grinning one, That one is terrible.
Good though.
Wow...I've never read anything like this. This um...I don't really know how to explain it. Although I agree with @BEWriter I am a little confused and it does seem like it's been rushed. And I also agree with @beans. You need descriptions, details. Your readers don't know what or which world they're traveled to to find this interesting story. We don't know what a Dowanan is, our the background of anyone other than Larena, Kanin and Dorana are friends.
So there's really nothing to comment on or talk able here. But either way it is good.
-Sharrae
This interesting, but I'm a little confused. I feel like you rushed into it a little. I don't know who the characters are or what they look like. But it seems like a cool story and I'm sure it'll be great once you clarify who's who and get into the story some more.
Good job, keep writing.
- BEWriter
Hmm. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, your writing is fairly sound, and I can't seem to find any grammatical errors. On the other, I have no idea eats going on. It's almost like we're jumping into a story halfway, with no context to speak of. Dudes dead, sister is in grieving... Other guy didn't do it. But who are these characters? Why do I care? This almost feels like an excerpt from a pre existing work, because there's almost nothing really to go on.
I would maybe write some beginning exposition, because as a while this isn't very interesting or gripping.