Young Writers Society

Gold star, fellow writer. Though it is what you say (rambling), it was worth reading the entire way through. The uniformed writing, not capitalized unless absolutely necessary, was great, allowing those words that were capitalized to become more emphasized. Excellent use of imagery, as well.

However, you do need to work on deciding where some lines end and others begin. Find out where you feel one must pause before switching lines, as points in this seemed like I didn't have to pause until the middle of the following line, which disrupted the flow.

One other thing: some words I have no idea what the meaning is, or to whom it is referring to. Examples: Lanka, Ramayana. If you could define these, even if it is just an end note, it would make the poem easier to understand.

P.S.: no '&'. Just write the word out.

I like what you did here. I just have some small nit picky things to comment on. Your first few stanzas were a bit lengthier, but then they got shorter. Try to keep stanza length consistant if you can. Personally, I was slightly thrown off by the lack of punctuation in some places. I am all about the author formatting their poem the way they want to, but it was a bit difficult to find a flow because I don't know what you intended it to sound like. Just like the first review, I think you have some very powerful imagery there. Nice job.

hmm. well, first of all, thanks for the comment. i'm glad you bothered with something on this level. i've had more inspired moments than this. this really just didn't...flow, you know? it's difficult to explain. i think that moksha was a better poem. but you're absolutely right about this poem. the first stanza was far too forced, and i think that the whole thing in general was a bit too rambling. i was going for the "long lines" but i think i just came off as a madman . i can assure you though, i'm sort of sane. it's a tenuous sort of sanity, but it'll do for now. and i think the use of the ampersand is good sometimes, but it wasn't very good here. it just stood out like a sore thumb.

Hey there Zalarus! June here!

There's not much to say about this piece other than how good it was. I really enjoyed it from start to finish.

Compared to the other stanzas, the first stanza feels a bit wordy at some points. I do like the imagery you're using in it, but it feels a bit over done in some spots. Take a bit of it out if you can, dear, so that you're not carrying deadwood.

I love the lack of punctuation (I know you used some commas in there, but still ) and the lack of the capitalization of your I's. The pronoun should be capitalized, but I like it uncapitalized here. It's giving more power to the words that are capitalized, dear.

The only thing I did not like here was the usage of the and symbol (&). I think it's better to write the word out, dear.


(Anyway, I'll stop my nonsensical rambling)


It was well written, the message was clear-- overall an extremely enjoyable poem, dear. Keep it up!

June

(Gold star)