Published October 22, 2008
Brain Blaze
( twisted reality so very
delightful
a nirvana of
sound
color
all senses
brain blaze brilliant
then die final death
praise praise the sun and moon and stars and sea
for they are the beloved of our mother
love & again they approach the altar
for there is no love at all except hatred
lovely people all around
they are contorted
& their image disturbed
i can feel it
i can feel everything )
-zalarus
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140,871 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Wow!
thankee for the comment. and that line has annoyed me for a while. this wasn't my proudest moment, and i've done a lot better since then, i think. but thanks anyway for bothering with it.
Hm... I like this overall, but for some reason the line "die final death" really annoyed me. It just seems like weak language and it didn't really go with the rest of the poem.
But I did like the way the poem wasn't totally coherent, that made it feel more... drug trip-y.
Sorry to break up this little conversation between Adrian and Zalarus (there are these things called PMs, Private Messages *hint*), but I'd like to say this:
it's a good piece of poetry. Lots of imagery, and I can tell that the brain is in a blaze.
However, there is a lot of irrelevant stuff here. For instance:
From this, I do not see a drug trip. I see insane rants about . . . something. I'm not sure what. This part did not fit.
This part did:
Yeah, I can see the substance from this, the high and then the dysphoria, the ride and the stop. This could have been good all by itself.
So, yeah, it is good. But Adrian was too harsh. Part of it worked, and part of it didn't.
End of story.
It doesn't.
-Adrian
does that somehow change your opinion of me/the piece? i hope it doesn't. your viewpoint was valid and your criticism was pretty much accurate.
I had no idea it was about a "drug trip."
-Adrian
i see where you're coming from, adrian. it's definitely not one of my better ones. although really, all the embellishments came naturally. i wrote this about substances to be honest, which i think is the problem. basically, describing a drug trip is not conducive to good poetry. now that i re-read it, a feeling of shame and ennui has come over me. thanks a lot for bothering with it.
This seems more of a monologue made by a Shakespearian actor without Shakespeare's aesthetic.
You were trying too hard. You tried alliteration, allusion, etc. but they all seemed to fail at least for me. I suggest writing things organically without any metaphors or embellishments (unless they come out that way) and then edit.
-Adrian
heh, i'm not sure whether this is a good response of a bad one. either way, thanks for the feedback. i'm glad that you're taking the time to read my stuff. thanks.
-zalarus
this one was really- i don't know what to say, i just can't think of a word to describe this, except that it is a good piece of poetry. keep on writing! we all get better every time we post something!