Published November 19, 2011
How do I start my sorry tale I know not
When will this curse end I know not
Oh the brutality, Oh the brutes
Who stole our days of freedom ?
When all was gay and frolic
When the sun beated upon our backs but we cared not
When we ran naked feet in the sun and we cared not.
Oh the brutes,Oh the brutality
when they made us work we should have not.
When they worked us till we were wasted and not,
But not,a cry did they hear for they cared not .
And soon they brought in after us a new lot
To enthrall,to rob,to waste and then throw away
Curse those who stole
Our freedom,our childhood
And made us labour,what could
What can,we do but follow,to save a flogging?
Just in hope to see tomorrow morning
With the hope of half a slice o' bread
Half a slice half a slice o' bread
Or just a pinch of 'taminated water?
And they say it's just good business
When we know it's called as child-labor .
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141,325 Literary Works • 674,343 Reviews
Hello there!
Welcome to YWS! I hope that you like it here as much as I do. If there's anything you'd like to ask about, please feel free to PM me! Now, on to this piece.
Concerning the line breaks, I agree with GeeLyria. Making your writing visually appealing to your readers is very important. If you went into a library and picked up a book with pages that were entirely filled with words and that didn't use paragraphs or line breaks, I'm almost positive that you would get intimidated and set the book back on the shelf regardless of what it was about. First impressions are important, especially when it comes to writing.
Regardless, I actually adore this poem. The writing is very good. I'm going to break it down into stanzas and give some suggestions as to how to edit it.
This would be the first section. I feel like it would be a good metaphorical 'hook' to bring the reader into the story.
The only part of this stanza that I might change entirely is the fourth line. It just doesn't sound right to me. It's not my place to entirely alter that part of this piece, so I'll leave that up to you.
I don't understand the part about when 'they worked us until we were wasted and not.' The 'and not' confuses me. I would think about how to change this so that it's easier to understand.
The only part of this part of the poem that I'm not in love with is how you used 'o'' instead of the word 'of'. I don't feel like it's consistent with the style of the rest of your writing.
I might sound slightly harsh, but I genuinely adore this piece and would love to see it be its absolute best! If you do edit it, please contact me so I can read it again!
Always keep writing!
-Rose
Hey, I love the message of this poem. People tend to push things they'd rather not think about, like child labour, to the back of their minds, and this forces you to think about it, which is good.
I agree with GeeLyria though, stanzas would make it more visually appealing, and readers would appreciate it.
I like this poem this way, but I think it could also be cool if you wrote the poem in a more present day voice. It'd remind people that it's still a current day issue, just a thought.
All in all, good poem.
Hi there, Zaid.
Again, you write lovely poems, Zaid. But I'm not sure if I've told you... I think they'd be more appreciated by the readers if you divide them into stanzas. It'd make them look more organized and people wouldn't get lazy by looking at it. Actually, some people can just close the window, and they'd miss a lot, cause you're an amazing writer.
Great job!
~Solly<3