A Birthday Wish to a Friend
The person whom I admire
For his joyfulness and smile
For his simplicity and love
that he bare.
It is not a guilt to say
to everyone around
never late to the dearest
how much one meant before one is away.
Feeling is in the heart
No one can touch
Stays there forever
as long as the bit of heart.
In the eve of the new
every year comes and
passes by leaving so many things
like that of a morning dew.
Withers away in the sun
like never it was there
but keeps the grasses green
and butterflies in fun.
Shine like the dew in the morning
flourish in everything
that joyful song in your birthday
I want to sing.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Welcome to YWS
June's pretty much covered most of what I wanted to say, so I'll just throw in some general advice.
Firstly, punctuation. I say this a lot, but it's true; punctuation is just as important in poetry as in prose (if not more so). It signposts the reader, helps them make sense of things, and facilitates understanding. Your poem needs more of it.
Secondly, your rhyming is all over the place. Try to find a scheme and stick to it if you're going to, or just chuck it and go for free verse if your ideas don't want to follow a set structure. Either way, though, half measures just confuse people, and don't really add to the poem. And most importantly, don't force it. If it won't rhyme and make sense? Drop the rhyme. Sense is more important.
Finally, you might want to work on expanding your ideas a little more. As it is, I like the concept here - an indirect birthday wish - but I think you could have said most of what you say in this poem in just a couple of stanzas, and probably more effectively. Next time, play with it a bit - explore different ways of saying things, metaphors, similes, that sort of thing. Try to show more than you tell.
Feel free to PM me or one of the other mods if you need anything, and keep on writing!
Cheers,
~bubbles
Hey there Zaedi! Welcome to YWS! I'm June!
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Now let's have a look at this:
• First line! The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized dear, since it is classified as a proper noun.
• Second line! I believe that "an" should be "and".
• Fourth line! I think that you meant "bears", as in bearing a burden or weight. The bare you've used here is like, to uncover, reveal.
This bit brought about some confusion, dear, especially when I came to the third line. I'm afraid I don't understand quite what you mean?
Do you mean:
It is not a guilt to say/ to everyone around/ never late to the dearest (to me)/ how much you meant before you went away?
This stanza could use a bit of clarification to make it easier for us to understand.
- * - * - * -
This poem was rather sweet. I like the tone that was set here, as if you were speaking indirectly to a friend that you wanted to speak to.
At some points throughout this, the stanzas and lines became a little confusing. I think that if you rearranged the order of some of your lines, then it would be easier to understand. For instance, the line, like never it was there could easily be reworded as like it was never there. You can keep the same words, same meaning, but make it clearer for us by switching somethings around dear.
I think it is a very good effort, and with a bit of revising this poem will be wonderful. Keep up the good work; if you need help with this, or if I was unclear, feel free to PM me or leave a message in my guestbook.
June