Published October 10, 2009
Into that good night
By: Zackary Turner
It was night; we were alone, in this house, built with my grandfather’s last string of sanity. The soft glow of the fire on her mild skin was something of amazement to me; she smiled, causing my face to brighten. I wonder to myself if this moment was real, could she really be mine, or was this some torment from my imagination. This pondered my mind constantly, her right hand moved slowly onto my left palm. I hadn't a clue what to do, my heart began to race, before I could tell my right hand was stroking her blond golden locks of hair, I moved it to her face where I caressed her cheek, then she moved her left hand to my right hand, to guide it around her rose lips, her touch was an addiction to me, as if I were an animal who has this desire to feed. Her lips slowly, gracefully, edged towards mine, and when they met, my hunger was cured. She was the answer to my prayers, she was the goddess of my life, this causing me to be her willing slave. She began to retract her lips from mine, and we lay together on the floor me holding her in my arms, and her hands upon my body. I looked into her eyes, I saw the truth, the sorrow, the death, the birth, but most of all I saw the love I had for her and she had for me.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this was a pretty sweet little monologue that you've got right here. It's a really nice little message and the actions that you are portraying do a wonderful job of getting this really simple and yet really powerful message across to us.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that was a sweet little story that you have got going on here. It seems to be a pretty nice little description of someone very important to our protagonist. Of course I can't say for sure what the relationship is exactly but I think it most likely the wife from what I could decipher of it. And well about that...you've done a pretty darn good job describing the feelings that this person has and showing said feelings through the action that you describe which really does a wonderful job of reinforcing said feelings so that we can really understand how much this woman means to this person. And then the last couple of lines where it gets a little more deep in terms of description you've certainly chosen your words well and especially that last line about looking into her eyes has some wonderful thoughts in it and that really seems to be a pretty symbolic sentence there symbolizing how the times to come may pass and its overall just a very sweet place to end things not to mention a very fitting place to end things.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Well this was a really sweet little short. Not much for me to really say here. I think I pretty much covered it all above. Great Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for the advice! It's very helpful, i wrote this in a matter of a couple of minutes, I like to call it raw, simply because of that. When i reviewed what you said it made since, you are very informative, I will look for stuff of yours to review!
Hi there! I will be reviewing your work this fine day, but just beware, I can be a bit of a nit-picker; but all I say is meant to be constructive criticism. And now with that said, let's get on with the review!
The first thing I noticed was just a nit-picky thing, which is the fact that you used semi-colons in places where you could have used a period. Semi-colons are great tools, when used properly. But if you don't use them properly they just make the sentence seem like a run-on, which you don't want.
For example, take a look at your very first sentence.
This really doesn't need to be kept one sentence. You need to expand it with actual description and switch up the punctuation so that it doesn't sound like you're just dumping the setting on us all in one run-on awkward sentence. Maybe try something like this:
Also, I noticed that this whole thing was just one big clump of a paragraph. People don't really tend to like to read that. Remember that you have to make a new paragraph every time the scene, topic, time or person speaking changes. Maybe just go through this and look for places that can be made into a new paragraph.
Lastly, the piece doesn't really have plot, conflict or character development. We need to know why we should care about this guy. Also, the basic building blocks of stories are just those. Plot, conflict and character development. Without these, your story just falls flat and nobody will be interested.
However, you do have a good scene in here, but maybe for the middle of a story. Remember, we need to know why we should care about your characters, who they are, and why they're in his grandfather's house.
I hope I get to read more, but just fix this up and add the building blocks. I'll keep a look out for more from you! Good luck, and PM me if you have any questions or comments. See you around!
~ Trish