Young Writers Society

Hello! Welcome to YWS! New member I see. Why don't you introduce yourself over at the Welcome Forum?

I'm going to be reviewing your poem today.
Lets get started on the nitpicks:

You make feel like I worth a while
When I'm sad you make smile
You’re the sunshine in my life.

Insert the word 'me', 'I' and then 'me'. You know where.

You the one for me
The only one.

You're

I would be lost without you
I'll never doubt you
Pleas don't go
I just love you so
I wish you would know.

Please


Alright, now that we have got that out of the way, lets get on the review. Now, I'd like you to know I'm being as honest as possible and I apologize before hand if I'm too harsh. I just want to give honest reviews, as I'm sure those are much more helpful.

First of, there isn't clarity in this poem. there isn't a single idea. What exactly are you trying to describe here? The narrator's relationship with this person, how the narrator feels about this person, and how the person's leaving the narrator, but the narrator doesn't doesn't want the person to go, right?

However, I find the poem confusing some aspects. For example:

Don’t say a single word
You are what I need no more
Just look me in the eye
Before you say good bye.

You are all I need
With you I feel free
To be who ever I want
You the one for me
The only one.

I would be lost without you
I'll never doubt you
Pleas don't go
I just love you so
I wish you would know.

First the narrator is saying that they don't need the person, and then the narrator say the person is all that they he/she needs. Contradicting much? i think you need to clarify exactly what you mean to say in your poem. What exactly are you getting at? What is the focus, the point?

You did not used much imagery, and the the part where you did, it was cliche. This poem is pretty unoriginal. I can't relate to it, and it certainly doesn't grasp my attention as it should. The words are void of emotion. Show the intense love, need and emotions that the narrator is feeling. Show it to us, through similes, metaphors, imagery and descriptive language. There is so much you can do with this idea.

Also I don't like the metaphor of sunshine in the poem. It is very chliche. Think up of something more original that would really show your readers how extremely important the person in the poem is to the narrator. We want emotions, to be grasped into the poem, to feel with the narrator.

Another thing that I find really helps, is showing not telling.
For example:

You make feel like I worth a while
When I'm sad you make smile
You’re the sunshine in my life.

This is telling, not showing. The narrator is just telling that he/she gets sad when the person smiles. Why? What is that sadness like? I want to know the moment, the feeling inside out. Does the narrator's heart ache? How does the person make the narrator feel like their worth a while. What does feel like to be thought as worth the while? What does the person do this to make the narrator feel like that. Show us all this, don't spoon feed it to us by flat out telling us. There's not fun in that.

So, overall I think you're poem has a lot of potential, it's just in need of a point/focus and originality. Good luck! I hope I was of some help. If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

Keep writing.
-Zehra