Published May 25, 2009
hi
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
where's the story? what happened to it, i can't view it.
I wish you didn't choose such a silly way to say that. You could've made it much better by saying "My dark, so-called by others "Edgey" hair."
Again, what I have underlined I have found silly and stereotypical. You could have improved this by stating "I thew on a pair of pants which tightly hugged my legs, unlike what most teenage boys' wear, and a t-shirt of my favorite band over my lanky, hueless frame."
Simply useless.
Overall:
I know I am only a year older than you, but I feel that this piece comes off very immaturely because of your age. Using such stereotypical terms and actions makes the story give the reader a feeling of non-seriousness. I am bi, and I am glad you've written a piece like this, but altogether I feel that this has much potential, you just need a little help with it.
Hey yumyums.
Let me first say I love your name. yumyums. it makes me giggle
I really liked this piece. Not just because it reminded me of my boyfriend for some reason, but I really like the description you used in the dream. It's wasn't tacky, like the majority of homosexual pieces I've read seem to be.
The only errors I picked up on were:
"His tongue requested entry into my mouth and I obediently aloud it"
I'm assuming you mean 'allowed'.
And:
"Once I was doe I threw on some tight pants and a band tee over my thin, pale body."
You most likely meant 'done'.
Simple typo's. Easy to do. Not a huge deal.
Well done overall. Being only fourteen I believe you have a giant amount of potential, and I would love to read what you write in the future.
All the best,
Ced
Hi yumyums, I can see you're a new member, so welcome! Before I start, I want to say, you need to have 2 reviews for every story you post. It's our 2:1 ratio. So please make sure you get those reviews done!
This sentence was kind of confusing to me. I'm not sure if it's a typo or what.
The walls were of Beige? Sorry, but that's doesn't seem right to me. Try something like, they walls were a deep colour of beige. It's not so confusing that way.
Once again, this sentence is kind of confusing. Do you mean the door was open, and then it slammed shut?
I think you mean allowed. and do you mean to have a period after it? or was capitalising his a mistake?
I think it would be good to put in a semicolon after dream.
I think you mean Once I was done, right? No matter.
Well, overall I liked this. It was very good. I hope you'll post some more.
*Lucy