Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
EPISODE 2 Of Season 8
Game of Thrones, E2S8: The (SUPER LONG) Calm Before The Storm: Or, A Tale in Three Bitches!:
1. WATCHING ARYA HAVE SEX WAS LIKE WATCHING MY SISTER HAVE SEX
I didn't need or want to see it...but it was such a proud moment. You go girl! (Y)
Arya: "...I like girls."
2. Dany says to Jon, "What does the Warden of the North say?"
Translation: "Your sister...or my pussy!"
Plus, her amateurish attempt to be Sansa's BFF...which, dumb as she is, Sansa saw through in two seconds, because Danny was transformed for this episode into a Basic Bitch.
3. Jamie knighting Brienne was definitely the best part of the episode... but I'd rather we got a five minute scene with Ghost, licking his balls in the kennels.
EPISODE 3 OF SEASON 8
This episode of GoT was the shortest, most anti-climatic Long Night EVER, with some cool battle scenes to watch (when you could see them) and a never-ending list of terrible logic and plot convince, including:
1. Nobody IMPORTANT died-not Jamie, Brienne, OR Sam.. No way they should have lived, just plot armor bullshit.
2. Hitler would have loved how Dany and Jon's battle plan involved a "brilliant" scheme to accomplish complete genocide on WILLING Dothraki.
NOBODY thought to give them flaming swords? (Except the Red Woman, but nobody expected her to show up. And while I'm on the topic of the Red Woman..:
Sooo.. the Red Woman went back to Volantis, to come back and...light a few fires and die? Cool.
-Ohhhhhh wait, she had to tell Arya some made up bullshit that destroys Game of Thrones lore completely and could never happen in the books, because In the books, she never met Melisandre, hence no "blue eyes" prophecy for that to even make sense and..What makes even LESS sense?...
3. HOW DID ARYA SNEAK UP ON THE NIGHT KING, SURROUNDED BY WHITES, AND NOT HAVE TO FIGHT ANYONE AT ALL?
I could go on... This episode DID have spectacular dumb-as-fuck action scenes... But if I wanted to see dumb-as-fuck action, I could just watch Transformers..
THE LAST EPISODE
The last episode of GoT opened with Tyrion's fourteen minute glacially paced stroll to uncover his brothers inexplicably perfect corpse, before going on to Hitler II: giving a nonsensical speech, (which now includes out-of-the-blue plans for world domination) to her murdering Unsullied and magically re-spawning Dothraki, which should be all I need to say about such a painfully razor-thinly plotted affair, which was somehow simultaneously enragingly illogical* and coma inducingly slap-dash, basic, and boring at the same time.
A: Bronn is not qualified for Master of Coin, as this joke illustrates: Bronn, Master of Coin: "Whatcha y'ar grace, I move all the gold from the kingdom's treasury to ma house, okey?"
King Bran: "It's your choice"
B: Bran being ELECTED King makes no fucking sense, as his qualifications is that he doesn't want the job (which puts him in the same state of mind as almost everyone else at the council,) and there's a decent story to tell about his rise to become the most powerful man in Westeros? Is Bran the Broken more impressive than Arya, the Hero of Winterfell, the girl who witnessed her father's execution, fled across the Narrow Sea, trained as a faceless assassin, and then killed the Night King?
I'll stop here, because the list could be endless.