Published January 4, 2011
Prologue
My body ached all over, but regardless I just kept running. I didn't know what was following me but from the glimpse that I caught of it the thing was covered in scales the shape of it was serpentine, and definitely not human. I couldn't remember why this creature had chosen me to hunt down. The alley walls loomed over me and smelt like smoke and cat pee like almost every alley in New York City. My feet slipped in a puddle of something that didn't smell like water, and I didn't want to find out. I came crashing to the ground, almost landing on my face but I threw out my hands just in time.
The thing slithered around the corner and I caught my first real look at it. It was not as large as I had anticipated but just it's head alone was half the size of my body. It was black with a few silver scales dotted along it's back. It was almost luminescent but still radiated a deadly power. It's deep purple eyes bore into me as it approached menacingly, biding it's time which only added to the air of evil. It rose above me and spoke in a hollow voice that sounded like it hadn't uttered a word in a millenia, but it did not speak in normal words like a human. The world is under siege. You will find Three Keys of Wadjet. Two FireBreathers will help you. This is a changing world Alexandria Isis, do not fail me. Then the ground opened up and swallowed the snake leaving me gasping in the puddle.
But this was not the weirdest day of my life.
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138,403 Literary Works • 672,114 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well we're starting with what sound like a pretty fun little chase sequence here, its certainly the sort of thing that can get your attention quite quickly here and I'm loving this so far. The description of this creature here is pretty good...and on top of that we've also got a really nice pace going here where the descriptions themselves appear to be running by a little fast and that adds to the effect here. On the whole, this all combines to make a pretty exciting first paragraph here and a great start to this prologue.
Soo...that's actually a pretty nice design for a monstrous ancient dangerous thing...yeah I'm not entirely sure what to call that creature...buut, I like the design you've come up with here. Its a pretty unique sounding one at least from the sorts of monsters that I've run into. I also love the twist where this thing doesn't seem to be out to kill this person, but rather its just chasing after this one to give some sort of prophecy...and prophecies are always fun to see in prologues...so well, this is a rather neat piece here. Overall, this is looking set to be a pretty solid prologue and I think its interesting enough that I'd want to read more of the story
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hiya!
The main issue I have with this prologue is that it is so cliché. I’ve read many more stories that start out as the main character running from something. And at the end, the snake wasn’t actually a deadly serpent out to kill, but some creature sliding through town just to tell Alex that she is the chosen one and her journey begins. It’s not very interesting, and it feels like I’ve read many other stories like it before.
There were a few errors with spelling and a few misplaced commas. Not a big deal, but with the prologue being so short, you should’ve had enough time to proofread it before you posted it. I usually copy and paste my writings into Microsoft Word and wait for the red squiggly marks to show, so that I can correct any careless mistakes. Also, be careful of it’s and its; it’s is only a contraction for it is.
Good luck with the rest of your novel! Let me know if you have any questions.
~blacksheep
This was very fun and mysterious to read. At first i was thinking, "whats coming after her?" and then the message at the end was very unanticipated. I liked this a lot. Not many grammar problems, but here are my suggestions:
Out of five, i give it a four. nice job, keep writing!
best wishes, Nessa
Hey Yoyo and welcome to YWS!!! I'm HP and I'll be your reviewer today!
Also, it would be a lot easier to read if you indented. If I see a story that looks long and poorly formatted then I usually don't read it, so it's important to hook in your reader right off with an enticingly formatted post!
So first off, I want to say that this sounds like the beginning of an interesting fantasy! It does seem a tad bit cliche, what with the messenger of doom and all, but that isn't always bad.
This sentence was a bit of a run-on, and would sound a lot better if it was broken up. Also, the way you worded the original sentence was a bit jumbled and a "strain on the brain" to read, so the green part is my suggestion!
I think that you had a bit of a tense issue here.
In this second paragraph you say 'it' quite a lot. However, at the end you say 'the snake'. You should try to use other names for the thing instead of 'it' - try calling it 'the snake' more often, or possibly the giant serpent/monster/whatever. If you say the same word over and over again, it becomes repetitive and begins to bore the reader.
Well that's all I have! This seems like it would be a pretty cool story, haven't heard of too many giant snake thingies running around NYC.
Looking forward to reading more, and welcome again to YWS!!
-HP
whoever reads this book this is the creator. im trying as hard as i can if my grammar is wrong forgive me please and i hope you like this. also this story has a lot of egyptian mythology so the weird names you heard are related to egyptian mythology