"The biggest of creatures, The smallest of particles, Letters forming a sentence. We all somehow have a destiny to fulfill. Some mistake theirs as ineffective, but the truth is. The most groundbreaking events that happened in our universe happened due to mere individuals doing their role. So do not underestimate yourself young man"
You need not be wise to know that the darkness of the cosmos is not a place to dwell in. Through the endless stars and gigantic formations. An unlikely sight could be seen. The star's great inferno was not of close distance to scorch him, but not far so that he plunged in an abyss of blackness. The man floated helplessly through space.
His eyes were shut, yet he was not dead. The man was not like any other. His skin tone was cyan, his long hair was of a dim dark green color, his green beard was of an average length giving him a wise presence, and his outfit was an unorthodox one. A long robe stretched from his upper part to his feet; the robe was made of leaves. The robe covered yet another layer, which was a grey leather chestplate and a cotton pair of brown pants. An observer would feel a keen interest to study such magnificent being. what was he?, and where did he come from? ;However, in the cold womb of space, solitude was not a rare currency. The describition of the man lacked one crucial asset. An asset that was the main tool of knowledge in our universe; the eyes. The man's eyelids were locked.
It seemed as if it was the very first time that he opened his eyes. The man's eyes were as bright as precious gems. They sparkled with a blue radiant color. He, as a newly born child, observed and examined his surrondings;nevertheless the man was no child,but he had no memory. The man's lament grew as his questioning arose. Answers he wanted, but found no one to provide him with them. The situation was not a peculiar one to him, for he knew no other situation, and he did not know that floating through the cold space was something to bring about awe. He tried to regain balance over his floating body. The task was not of ease nor of adversity. He fluttered his hands around, and discovered that they can bring him balance.If the man was of greater memory, he would realize how silly he looked while waving his arms in this matter. The man finally was floating upright. He looked contemplating at his appearence; "Who am i?!" he thought. The man, still unaware of who he is, decided on looking for answers around him. He looked around, and what he saw he described "A great shade. I wonder to whom it belongs. Great orbs of light, yet others are small, Some are yellow, some are white". There was something however that caught the man's vigil attention. He squinted his eyes and saw what he interpreted as flying colors. The view was breathtaking. He kept looking at it for hours. The colors were numerous, and they gracefully altered their postions; the colors danced vividly and radiantly. The man tried to reach with his hand and grap the colors, but in the process he learned about distance. The Colors were far away.
Among all the splendid views around the boundless space, the man was captivated by the dancing colors. He then decided that he wants to reach them, for his desire and curiosity grew more and more with each second he laid eyes on the colorful formation. His decision seemed harder with each time he tried to move. The man felt sorrow towards his situation, for he was floating helplessly with no moving methods. He decided to mimic the movement he did to balance himself earlier, and the fluttering of the hands really did work, it did offer some physical pain, yet with each push of his arms he was closer to his destination.
The man's strength was drained, he yet learned about another aspect of life. When weariness strikes your body fails;however, he tried to concentrate on his goal, thinking it will give him the boost he needed. The method did bolster his tired limbs for a while,but alas he found no cure for his tedium. He surrendered, floating for hours maybe days. He despised his state, but once he let his mind roam of the thought of getting lost, and concentrated on the colors, he reached a calm peak of mind and body. The man closed his eyes and tried to recall, yet the lapsing of his thoughts were hampered. The man opened his eyes. He remembered then the first time he did, Yet this time was different, for he, no matter how small the duration he spent concscience, learned a lot. The great dark lacked no learning tools, for it was full with magnificent structures. He raised his hands to his eye sight trying learn about his body as he did about the universe. He slowly touched his face with his cyan hands, and tried to feel each detail, but what really interested him was the beard. He brushed his hands over his green beard several times, and the soft caressing amused him greatly for he kept laughing in joy. His laugh was full of innocence and warmth.
The man, floating still, lowered his hands, for he spotted a new object. He had contemplated on the colorful scene of the cosmos for days now, and that small floating object was a new asset to the scene. The object was slender, yet long. His curiosity overruled his weariness, and he started to again move his limbs. The object was not far. He approached the item. It was a wooden stick, a few inches shy of his height, and at it's end was a small crystal sphere, with small wooden twigs crawling over it. The sphere was clear. He could see, with a mild blur, four objects. A very small stone piece, a drop of crystal clear water, a small cluster of dirt, and a miniature leaf. He then squinted his bright eyes, and saw yet another thing. It was some sort of specter bouncing slowly in the crystal. The specter's movement reminded him of the colors he longed to reach, and sadness struck him once more, for he knew that reaching the colors was a task he could not achieve.
The man stretched his arms to grab the staff. What came next was something he never expected, for as he first touched the staff, the specter penetrated the crystal, and went through his chest. He then heard a surge of words. It was as if a thousand souls spoke to him at once. He could not bear the noise, and, in agony, dropped the staff and covered his ears with his palms, yet it proved useless. Finally, the noises gradually ceased to exist, yet a slight pain still lingered within him. He lowered his arms, and held the staff again but this time nothing happened. "What was that?" he said surprisingly, but a lonely staff had no answer to give him.
The feelings of desire, and lust for knowledge arose again. The man was gazing sadly at the colors knowing that he will never reach there, and the more he thought about it the more he tightened his clutch on the staff. He, then heard another noise. His final memory of noise was not so pleasent; however this time, the noise was different. The man turned his gaze to the origin of the sound, and saw a nearby star. He noticed the star earlier, for it was the first thing he laid eyes upon as he awakened, but such sound did not exist till now. The sound kept growing more and more with each second, and then he saw a clear cloud appear. The cloud kept approaching the man until finally coming to a halt. He knew nothing of such element, yet he felt no threat from it. The cloud then formed a see through sphere around the man. He could not decipher what it was. He tried to stretch his arms to touch the moving cloud, as he did he felt himself moving. The man tried it again, stretching his arms to the direction of the colors. The cloud sphere again moved the man. He was overwhelmed with joy for he just learned about the wind, and in the process gaining a tool of transportation. He then began his journey to the colors.
The man was overwhelmed with tremendous awe. The views which he kept seeing along the way were breathtaking, . The first scene was far, yet he could clearly see the blue star. It's beauty captivating. It's serenity unmatched. The man seized his movement. He could sense the star's warmth despite its great distance. As he stood nourishing his eyes with the beauty of the universe, he realized that the blue star was moving. The star left a trail of blue behind it. The man spent days reflecting on the blue sphere, Untill the painting of the cluster of stars lacked the blue one, for it has left. Sadness fell upon the man, as if he has lost a friend. The star left and its beauty with it. The man felt a familier feeling. It was grief. He learned that grief comes through diffrent routes. Grief got to him once through hopelessness, and through loss this time. The man began moving to the colors again. He, after a while, learned that time cures sadness, and grief alike.
The cluster of stars were looking unlike any other he saw. The cluster formed a scattered sphere, that any distant dweller could mistake for a enormous star;however, the man was of enough distance to see that it was no star. The light was bright, but the man was of distance not to blind him, yet he could not see what the stars formed around. Bit by bit the light was growing dim. The view was dim enough for him to see the core of the gathering. The star in the center was different from the others. Its light was red, and its light less radiant. The stars slowly started increasing the dsitance between them and the dim star. The man stood there for a long time. He witnessed a spectacle show of vibrant specters and fire coming from the star. The light and fire began moving away from the star in cyclones of great size. The man's eyes grew accustomed to the view, until the star was drained of its fire and light, and then it happened. The explosion was furious and unexpected.
The man was thrown off balance. Luckily he was far enough. He again balanced himself and looked at the origin of the blast. Who could have told that such beauty and grace could be an omen of destruction. The dying star's last gift to the universe was an elegant demonstration of beauty. A mere gift of gratitude to its creator.
Dust was floating everywhere;nevertheless, it did not scatter randomly. A trail of dust was created, and as the man eyed the path of the trail, he saw it lead to the colors. "The remains of a dying star" he said "A suitable companion".
Hey there Youssefayman!
I'm going to give you a quick review. I'll start by talking about word tense. Then I'll move into sentence and paragraph fluency. Last, I'll go into idea, voice, and word choice. If you have any questions about anything I bring up in the review, feel free to PM me!
Tense
Okay, so there were several times in your story that you switch tenses. I won't point out all of them, but here are a few examples.
The star's great inferno was not of close distance to scorch him, but not far so that he plunges in an abyss of blackness. The man floated helplessly through space.
In the first sentence, the verb 'plunges' is in present tense. In the second, 'floated' is in past tense.
It seemed as if it was the very first time that he opens his eyes.
In this sentence, you switch between tenses with 'seemed' and 'opens'.
After you choose which tense best suits your story, don't forget to go back through and fix the the tense changes. A piece of writing should almost always be in the same tense from beginning to end.
Sentence Fluency
Sentence fluency is the variation between the length and pattern of your sentences. Most of the sentences in this story were pretty long. This tends to bore a reader, whereas when you mix it up, the reader doesn't get lulled into the pattern. Think about the last time you read a textbook. Most sentences in a textbook are medium length, so that they are easy to understand. That's why when you read a textbook, you get bored out of your wits.
I'm not saying your piece is boring, because it isn't! It's very interesting, but with such long sentences, the average reader is going to get confused.
So remember to vary up your sentence lengths and patterns. This really enhances the readability of any piece.
Idea, Voice, and Word Choice
I think you have a very interesting idea, full of potential. It is definitely a unique idea, I've never read anything like this before!
Your voice was also pretty original. The story reads in a very formal manner, it makes me think of a space opera. Sometimes though, the formal style of this story got a little bit boring. Like I said before, you can fix this with good sentence fluency. Also, remember to use spicy verbs and interesting adjectives!
Your word choice was strong, there's not much about it I would change!
Great job, Youssefayman! I really enjoyed your story. I hope my review was helpful. Keep up the good work!
Thank you shino. This has been really helpful
Hello, here to review!
Just a quick grammar one, 'Through' should be through. Don't use a capital after a semi colon; treat it like an extended comma.Specifics
1. Okay so the opening is nice but a little bit over-used and that last sentence especially grates with me as I've heard the 'darkest before the dawn' line too often. I think you need to put your own twist on this if you want to keep your more seasoned readers interested. I preferred when you were talking about being lost as I find that easier to relate to and it feels more real and genuine.
2.
3. The first introduction we have of the character is as 'him' which is weak and comes out of nowhere. Tell us there's a man before you refer to him!
4.
This is a little awkward and bulky. Sometimes fewer words are better when describing and the 'dim dark green colour' especially is a mouthful. Maybe 'dim emerald' or 'dusky green' would work?
5. I like this line a lot! More like this please.
6. How can one know that this is the first time he has opened his eyes and why should that interest us? The plot's starting to drag a little. Description is nice but you need to give your reader something to hold their interest every now and again! If he's a baby, perhaps you could describe the alien as starting in the foetal position and then give a rapid run down of him starting to move and open his eyes. Or if not, give us the reason he hasn't opened his eyes until now - make it exciting!
7. I think you meant 'manner' rather than matter and this is a little more interesting. So he has no memory. But! I still want more. I feel like you need to begin building events or a personality as it's a fun plot device to give him no memory but it means your reader currently has no character to get to know (it takes a long time to know a man who doesn't know himself) and we're still waiting on the plot to kick start. I don't often find myself saying this in reviews, but I think you need to speed it up.
8. Good, the introduction of the staff brings a nice conflict, as did the desire to reach the colourful lights. This section of your writing is more interesting and if you could carry some of the spirit of it over to the beginning, that would help to hold your reader's interest.
9. There isn't any wind in space! There's friction, but the wind is created by the Earth's gravity - I forget the more detailed specifics, but space= no wind. He needs a different way to get around!
Overall
There are some things I like about this story. You've got the grounds for a good tone and the life lessons slipped in here and there are sometimes great, sometimes less so. It's difficult though to separate what is working from what needs to be improved. Your beginning is certainly the weakest part. There's no sense of conflict or anything to hold our interest as you focus too much on the description and that can only take you so far. Then for a while you're doing really well in the middle - I liked the part where he finds the staff. But the ending doesn't reach a strong conclusion for me. None of our questions are answered or conflicts resolved. It's hard to even know if the ending should be considered a tragedy or something good. Your beginning seems to suggest it ought to be good but you don't make any effort to put a positive spin on it.
Hopefully this will give you a few things to think about and don't be discouraged - creation myths are a tricky story to write! I wouldn't even know where to begin and you've got a great level of imagination for it, but you need to work on the writing itself.
Good luck and happy writing!
Heather xxx
Hi heather your review is really great , and it truly inspired, but this is not the end , this is just a chapter. i will surely work on the beginning.
First line :-
"A time when we think that we roam with no purpose nor effect in a great void."
Shouldn't it be "with neither any purpose nor any effect".
"but in the darkest times and will breaking events"
Didn't really get 'will breaking events', sounds useless really.
The description of the man was good, it flows and it's really necessary that when a character is described, it shouldn't be boring the reader, though sometimes it could happen but like an observer I was not really keen but mildly interested.
There are some spelling mistakes which is natural if not revised properly but it happens to best of us.
"It seemed as if it was the very first time that he opens his eyes."
It should be "that he had opened his eyes," for you have written the chapter in past tense.
"The man, still unaware of who he is," again the same mistake.
It should be who he was.
"I wonder who this shade belonds to."
It should be "to whom/what this shade belongs to."
"It was a wooden stick, a few inches shy of his height, and at it's end was a small crystal sphere, with small wooden twigs crawling over it."
It shouldn't be "his height", "it's height" instead, though again thumbs up for the description part.
"The light was bright, but the man was of distance not to blind him"
The line is incorrect, it disrupts the meaning. Read it again and you'll know what I mean.
I loved it, beautiful descriptions, bravo visualisation and a timeless sense of flow throughout the chapter.
Still, very common and in some cases silly mistakes which hinders the beauty of it which pains me as I read it.
It also nudges my curiosity, as to who was the man? At first I thought it was a powerful wizard or socerer, then as I read on, I thought this man was god and to support my notion, there was a line which made my suspicion strong.
"A mere gift of gratitude to its creator."
If it's god, then it's impossible for he cannot forget or get unconsicous, for he provided consicousness to the souls which we are, in form of humans, of course.
Still, it's your imagination, do tell me who is the man actually?
A decent writing overall, you are good, you know, so keep up the good work.
Hope my review helped!
Regards,
blakey789
Thank you so much for the review it really helped me, i hope you'd read my other chapters. i cant tell you who the man is, you'll see as you read more
Hey... I'm going to completely botch a shortening of your name but I'll give it a shot... Fayman. I like that.
Whoo! You got lots of reviews. I'll try my best to find something to pick out for you to improve on that these lovely people haven't. I think I'm going to completely skip grammar because they've covered it. Watch your punctuation and capitalization. I think what I'm seeing is a piece that needs a quick reread to smooth the rough edges. You wouldn't think grammar would be important, but bad grammar makes a piece tiresome to read... So much for completely skipping grammar...
Watch your tenses. Again, a reread would fix this.
I have to ask... Is English your second language?
You don't have to answer. I'm just seeing a few odd mistakes that I've seen before with people who aren't native English speakers.
If you want, I would love to talk about proper, effective wording in real time and discuss the phrases I had issues with. I find it a bit hard to explain in a review though.
Sometimes, I think you thought you needed to sound deep because the subject matter is fairly hard to grasp, but it's the exact opposite. Because the subject is so wonky, you want your words to be clear and concise, not flowery and beautiful. There is often beauty in simplicity. You have a huge problem with this in the beginning. I hardly know what you're talking about at some points.
As Starleen did, I found the deity asking if he was born very strange. Several of the questions he asks are not real questions a being just woken or just born would ask. It's more of an innocent. 'Oh! What's this? Oh! Look what I can do! This is so great!'
I also agree with Trident. Your plot does drag and does so quite a bit. At the very least, make his sadness, his grief, his weariness more real to the reader. Show us, don't just tell. Are his arms shaking? Are tears stinging his eyes? These are details I want to know.
As it is, what a unique idea. I love it. You do a fairly good job explaining your character and making us like him through his innocence. He's a unique character, being old yet young at the same time. That's very strange and very cool.
Alright, I hoped this helped. It's not really the kind of review I'm used to doing, but I think it's the kind of review you needed.
Any questions, PM me or hit up my wall.
If you want another review, just post again on my WRFF thread. I'd love to read more of your work.
That's it for me.
Megsug
Hey Ayma!
~ The ‘will’ makes no sense, and the sentence reads fine without it, so I’d say nix.My advice has never been called professional before. I will endeavor not to disappoint.
Sorry if I repeat something that’s already been said.
~ This reads a bit choppily.
Try: “You need not be wise to know that the darkness of the cosmos is not a place to dwell in. However, through the endless stars and gigantic formations, an unlikely sight could be seen. The star’s great inferno was no so close as to scorch him, but no so far away as to plunge him into an abyss of black nothingness.”
~ Right, so question marks end sentences, and don’t need followed by additional punctuation. Therefore, this should be. “What was he? Where did he come from? In the cold womb of space, solitude was not a rare currency.” And I don’t really understand your last sentence.
I tend to advise against using more than on punctuation mark to end a sentence. Rather than “?!” find a way to express his panic. His eyes were wide...he looked around in surprise...something. *Show* us his surprise.
Also, thoughts are typically italicized and act as dialogue. Therefore, it should start a new paragraph, just as it should if he *said* ‘Who am I?’, even though you won’t need your quotation marks. Just freestanding italicized words.
~~~
Alright!
You already got nice grammar/spelling reviews from the other reviewers, so I didn’t give you a line-by-line critique like I usually would. It would get tedious for me to check my complaints against that the other reviewers, and would be tedious for you to try to keep them all straight. So, I’ll just address the overall problems I saw:
--Grammar
Your grammar can use a bit of work, but it wasn’t horrible.
--Punctuation
This is actually the biggest hindrance of your piece. You’ve got misplaced commas and semi-colons floating around, adding pauses in strange places, and then you’re lacking them in some places that need them.
--Capitalization
Again, you’ve got some words capitalized that don’t need to be, and others aren’t capitalized and should be. For example, ‘I’ is *always capitalized. It’s what you call yourself. It’s your self-given title, and therefore your name when referring to yourself. So just like ‘Bob’ is always capitalized, ‘I’ is too. The same goes for ‘I’m’ ‘I’ll’ ‘I’d’, etc.
Once you edit out all the errors pointed out in reviews before mine, I’d be happy to get on a Titanpad with you and your work, and point out specific errors. That way I’ll be able to explain the rules broken behind the error, rather than just point out the bit that breaks the rule.
~~~
Overall
You’ve got an interesting story here. I like the simplicity behind the mind of a man who can’t remember anything. The innocent ignorance is charming, as he tries to make sense of his world. It needs a bit of love, but I think you’ll have a great story here once you clean it up. You’re a great writer.
If you need any more help or have any questions, feel free to PM or wall me.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hi there, most of the grammar/syntax stuff was already addressed so I will mostly comment on the content and the like:
- Okay here we have what I would describe as creation myth or something similar to that anyway. Now creation myth is a very old tradition, and one that, if done right, can be inspirational, certainly. You do your best to make things interesting, but it is a format that is very very difficult to work with. I've read some of this before (David Eddings with his really quite awful creation myth prologues) so you can rest assured that even the pros can sometimes get it very wrong.
- You start your story by discussing very cerebral ideas. It's all in the head. It is difficult to start off something like this unless you are discussing something really groundbreaking. You show some of that, intriguing, but it still lacks that really phenomenal idea that can grab the reader's interest immediately.
- Next we come to the being that dominates your story. He starts off a bit interesting, you know, earth-like. It is a neat sort of connection. But what you don't do here is start off with some dilemma, some problem, some conflict. He's just floating there goofily flapping his arms. It's not terribly exciting. Now perhaps add some earth-ending news and we can all start to worry if we--at this very moment--are going to even be brought into being because we depend upon the earth surviving this account. With a little drama, we can be worried to see if the earth makes it, which of course we already know, but it can still be fun to pretend otherwise.
- Your vocabulary is advanced, but there is no need to be flashy or showy about it, as can be seen in certain parts. When you say things like "he found no panacea for his tedium" it interrupts the flow and feels as though you've thrown those words in there not because belong, but because they feel complex. Bigger words aren't always better.
-Now the ending makes me think we might not be dealing with earth anymore. I suppose I'm a bit lost here, but your intentions could just be different than what I expected. The last line, however, feels like it's supposed to be important and awe-inspiring. However, it just confused me. I didn't know what to make of it and I just ended almost feeling cheated. Perhaps you could be more specific, or perhaps you could just help the reader along a little bit by hinting at what it means earlier in the piece.
Feel free to message me if you'd like me to explain anything.
Thank you so much for your reviews. I will surely amend the errors. by reading this you have brought me joy and pleasure. thank you
Hey there!
Starleene here!
I’m here to review your work, so buckle up and get ready!
“…unaware of is his surrondings, his life, and even himself,but If a widening of prespective was applied.”
I think may have spelled a couple things wrong here, such as: “surrondings” is spelled “surroundings,” and “prespective” is spelled perspective.
“ How was his life before he first opened his eyes. Where does the soul dwell before birth, and what purpose would that soul serve upon the realm of the living...”
I love these lines but they are definitely questions, so they deserve to have their question marks.
“You need not be wise to know that the darkness of the cosmos is not a place to dwell in.
Through the endless stars and gigantic formations.”
A semi colon after “in.” and then lower case the (t) in “through.”
“ The man was not like any other fellow.”
I think that the use of the word “fellow” makes a mockery of the intensity you are trying to create with your words. I would advise you to make a word adjustment.
“…his green beard was of an average height giving him a wise presence”
His beard was of an average height? I think the proper word to use in this instance is “length.” That would fit a lot better.
“…However, in the cold womb of space, solitude was not a rare currency.”
Since there’s a semi colon before “however” it should be a lower case “h.”
“The describition of the man lacked one crucial asset. An asset that was the main tool of knowledge in our universe; the eyes. The man's eyelids were locked.”
This line really gets me interested in who the man is and why he’s floating through space. You spelled “description” incorrectly though and should look into getting that fixed. And also, I think that you should exchange the period after “asset” for a comma, that way you don’t have to many sentence fragments.
“ The man's eyes were as bright as precious gems”
Beautiful description!
“… The man's lament grew as his questioning arose.”
Why is he crying?
“…the situation was not a peculier one to him, for he knew no other situation, and he did not know that floating through the cold space was something to bring about awe, yet this was all new to him.”
You spelled peculiar wrong and also maybe consider putting a semi colon after “him” instead of a comma? I don’t get to use of the last couple words “yet, this was all new to him,” it doesn’t fit with the sentence and makes no sense to put it there. I would say take it out, it has no significant value to your story.
“… man finally was floating upstraight. He looked contemplating at his appearence;”
Upstraight is not a word but upright is. I think that’s what you meant.
‘ "Who am i?!"’
I don’t think that it goes with your story that he seems surprised (the exclamation mark) I could see him questioning himself but not in an excited way.
‘"A great shade. I wonder who this shade belonds to. Great orbs of light, yet others are small, Some are yellow, some are white"’
You spelled belongs to incorrectly. Also, I think that the man would be questioning everything he said. He would wonder if white or yellow were the correct word. I think he would hesitate before he says something as if trying to decide if he’s correct that these are what he says they are. You know?
“The view was breathtaking.”
You would separate the words “breath” and “taking” with a hyphen as they are two words that being combined to create one word.
“…and They gracefully altered their postions; the colors danced vividly and radiantly. The man tried to reach with his hand and grap the colors, but in the process he learned about distance. The Colors were far away.”
Lowercase the “t” in “they.” You also spelled “positions” and “grab” wrong. I can almost see these colors swimming before my eyes, the way you describe the movement is really beautiful!
“… desire and curioisty grew more and more with each second…”
You spelled curiosity incorrectly. I think that one of your main concerns is just focusing on your grammar and punctuation.
“… The man felt acrimony towards his situation…”
I don’t understand why you would start using larger more intricate words here when the simplicity of your words mirrored the simplicity if your piece. This was just like throwing a stone into a pool of water and disturbing the calmness. This word alone put me on edge and made the calmness before fade away.
“ he yet learned about another aspect of life.”
I noticed that you have a fondness for the word “yet.” I think that you can use this word if you vary it throughout your work, bit it feels like you use it in almost every paragraph, I would just watch your word choice because unconsciously the reader is noticing as well.
“…but alas he found no panacea for his tedium.”
Again with these words. It really throws off the whole vibe that you were vying for. I think that since the man is so simple his world should be simple as well. He wouldn’t know these words so I don’t think you should use them when describing the world around him.
‘"Was i just born?"’
How would he know? Would he know of birth? Does a baby know that he is born once he takes his first breath of air, or does he accept it as his new reality and not question it? A baby is simple; eat, sleep, poop. Repeat. That is the baby’s world. The man should be thinking as if he were a baby.
“ He remembered then the first time he did, Yet this time was different, for he, no matter how small the duration he spent concscience, learned a lot. The great dark lacked no learning tools, for it was replete with magnificent structures.”
I feel like in this sentence you were trying too hard to create an elegant sentence that it destroyed itself. It kind of reminded me of when Yoda, off of star wars, speaks. xD
“The man, floating still, spotted an object in the horizon.”
There is no horizon is space. Just a thought.
“He approched the item. It was a wooden stick, a few inches shy of his height, and at it's end was a small crystal sphere, with small wooden twigs crawling over it.”
You spelled “approached” incorrectly. I love the description of the staff though, it seems really cool.
“The sphere was see through”
I feel like you could replace “see through” with clear, that way you don’t have another “see” preceding this one.
“ He then squinted his bright eyes, and saw yet another thing. It was some sort of specter bouncing slowly in the crystal. The specter's movement reminded him of the colors he longed to reach, and lament struck him once more, for he knew that reaching the colors was a task he could not achieve.”
I don’t understand what your trying to describe with the spectre here. What is it? Also, I don’t think lament is what you think it is. Lament means to cry or crying, you could be meaning this word, but that would be strange to use that word twice.
“It was as if a thousand soul spoke to him at once.
You mean “souls,” with an “s.”
“He could not bear the noise, and, in agony, covered his ears with his palms, yet it proved useless.”
If he’s holding the staff he wouldn’t be able to cover bother of his ears, he would have to drop the staff in order to do that.
“Finally, the noises gradually seized to exist, yet a slight pain still lingered within him.”
You used the word seized here and that is incorrect usage. The word you’re looking for is ceased, which means to stop.
“ He, then heard another noise.”
A comma isn’t needed in this sentence.
“His final memory of noise was not so pleasent;however this time, the noise was different.”
Whenever you use however you don’t have to place a semi colon before it, as in this sentence. This sentence requires you to separate “however” from the rest of the sentence. The general rule of separating this way is: if you can read the sentence without the words inside of the comma and it still make sense, then you used it correctly.
“The cloud kept approaching the man untill finally coming to a halt.”
There’s and extra (l) in “until.”
“…breathtaking, and magnanimous.”
^_- magnanimous? It makes the read trip over it word, thus making a not so flow-y sentence.
“The man seized his movement.”
Again it’s “ceased” not “seized.”
“ Untill the painting of the cluster of stars…”
Again with the double “l.” Watch your spelling.
‘"no it was not" he thought "grieve comes from anger" yet he learned that grieve comes through diffrent routes.”
I think that you mean “grief” not grieve which is a different tense than grief.
“Grieve got to him through loss this time. The man began moving to the colors again. He, after a while, learned that time cures sadness, and grieve alike.”
Again wrong form of “grief.” Just make sure next time you used to correct form.
“He witnessed a spectacle show of vibrant specters and fire coming from the star.”
Again, I don’t think that you used the correct word here; I think that you meant “spectacular.”
“The man was thrown off balance. Luckily he was far enough. He again balanced himself and looked at the origin of the blast. Who could have told that such beauty and grace could be an omen of destruction. The dying star's last gift to the universe was an elegant demonstration of beauty. A mere gift of gratitude to its creator.”
This is beautifully written! I love that I can picture this in my head and almost see it for myself. I love what it represents.
I really liked the plot, it was unique and I haven’t read anything like this before. I loved it. There are a couple things that you could work on to polish this work but I think that you’re on the right path! Can’t wait to read more from you!
Good Luck! Happy Writing!
Starleene Out.
Your reviews are most welcomed and i will start fixing the errors and writing another draft. I was truly inspired by your reviews, and it would be a pleasure if you could read my other draft(It will be up in a minute)
I'll see what I can do
Hey Youssefayman,
. I also want to talk about your word choice. You tend to use "the robe" and "the man" a lot in the beginning. Perhaps change this up a bit. Not a huge issue, I just think that you could improve on this. Next, I want to mention a formatting error. You puta gap between "keen" and "interest". I'm sure this was a mistake, and an easy one make, but nonetheless it should be fixed. After that you spelled "description" wrong. Once again, you should probably run a spell check, the next line confused me a bit.
This is Zephion, hear to review this wonderful work of yours. First of all, you may want to run a spell check on this, I noticed that you spelled perspective wrong early on in the piece. This isn't a big deal, but you should fix it. Next, is this line
"How was his life before he opened his eyes."
This is a question, so it should probably end in a question mark. I also wanted to point out this line.
"You need not be wise to know that the darkness of the cosmos is not a place to dwell in."
Nothing wrong with this line, I just like it a lot
"solitude was not a rare currency."
Maybe you meant occurrence instead of currency? Relating solitude to a currency, though interesting, is a bit odd, so I would go with occurrence if I were you.
You should also look at your use of semicolons. I believe that you are using the, fairly well, but you need to put a space after them, which you seem to lack here, so I'd go over it again and fix so e of those. Plus, you spelled "peculiar" wrong in the 5th paragraph.
Next, you had the man say something in the fifth paragraph, but it is buried in the text. Usually you woke make any quotations their own paragraph, so just make sure you fix that.
Something else you might change relates to what I said before about word choice. You say "the colors" a lot, and it seems repetitive. Maybe you want it that way, but I think it would be better to use a different choice of words.
You once again put an uneccesary gap at the end of the seventh paragraph.
Soon after that you say "the sphere was see through." Instead of "see through" I might use transparent, but that's up to you.
Whoo! That was a long review, but such an amazing piece deserves it! I really did love this piece. I had a lot to say, but don't get discouraged. I can't wait to read more from you! Thanks for sharing and keep writing!
Zephion
You have truly inspired me. Your review was amazing and very informative. I will amend the errors that you pointed out. Thank you zion
Very interesting piece. Thats all I can really say at the moment. I may have to read it again to really reveiw.
Thank you,That's only chapter 1. i would love to hear more of your verdicts though. any comments?
Chapter 1*