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Paint by Number part 1

by youreit


TORNADO

No matter
how hard I tried
I just [b]couldn't seem
to make the wotds come out right
on the page.

They were
there all right-
swirling in my head
telling their tale
so fast that I was left
with holes
missing words
bits and pieces
of the story completely
washed away in the storm.

It was like
a tornado
in my head,
unsure
as to where
it would land.

But
I kept trying
changing
a thing or two
tweaking
this word
rearranging
that sentence.

Until
what I came out with
looked like a
murkey version
of what was in
my head.

CLICHE'

Unfortunately
that murky version
was a complete
cliche'.

Done before
bigger
better
and yet
the same.

It was
perfect,
in a sense,
imperfect
in another.

I TRIED AGAIN

So
I balled up
another piece of paper
and tossed it
toward my
already overflowing
trash can.

And then,
I tried again.
And again.
And
again...

I GAVE UP

Eventually
I gave up.
Two hours,
wasted.

Of course,
to me,
those were some very productive
two hours.

Because
even though
I didn't get
even one
usable page,

I know knew
which two hundred
were unusable.

DEAN

Exhausted,
I grabbed
a new paint by number set
and
slipped out
my door.

You see,
I love
the outdoors.

But
I love
watching Dean swim
from my back porch
even more.


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95 Reviews

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Reviews: 95

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Sat Jun 06, 2009 7:33 pm
ZaddieCaso wrote a review...



This got better half way through, I only understood it till the end though. I think you could have written that in nearly half the words and had a better effect, for me it was to long and basic top be effective but I did love you ending, made me laugh out loud. And I still have a smile on my face thinking about it so in some ways it was a very effective poem, because hardly any of the work I read on this site can still leave me smiling ten minutes after reading it.




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Reviews: 86

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Thu Jun 04, 2009 9:00 pm
AlyssaKyle wrote a review...



Hello there!
Okay, so let's get to that review, shall we? To start, I'm sorry, but I didn't read the above post. My apologies if I repeat something. First off, try to proofread your work before you post it. Give it a good once-over, and use the spell check function on your word processing program. It won't take too long. This poem reminded me a lot of how I wrote my poems when I first started. I had no idea where line breaks should be so I just threw them in anywhere. I can see in this case where the person's thoughts are jumbled, it would make sense that the poem structure would be too, but I'm not sure you meant that to happen. Generally speaking, try to keep line length and stanza length relatively consistant. The concept is good. With some effort, this could be a really nice poem.
Hope that helped!
-Alyssa




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141 Reviews

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Reviews: 141

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Thu Jun 04, 2009 8:46 pm
thedelphinater wrote a review...



Nit-picks first:

I just [b]couldn't seem

Random [b].

to make the wotds come out right

Words, not words.

Your punctuation needs work. You have it, but you need more. All you really need to do is add a few more commas to even out the flow. Most of the poem seems to be a few really long sentences. Another thing is that the beginning of every line needs to be capitalized, even if it isn't a new sentence.

The flow needs work too. It's choppy and hard to read. The capitalized words randomly thrown in there you should get rid of. Another thing that needs work is the actual content of the poem. No offense, but to quote my one friend:
Words arranged
Prettily
Across a page
Do not make
Poetry.
You have a good idea, but it would probably be better as a short story. You do have imagery, but you have few descriptions of actual things. Also, the choppiness distorts the imagery and sort of ruins the affect.

Basically, you have a good idea, but the wrong formatting.





Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence