Published February 2, 2010
It Doesn't Matter
My heart swelled with content as I thought back to earlier tonight. We were alone in the kitchen, and he was tickling me while I giggled and protested insincerely. In a burst of inspiration, I grabbed his hands, pulled them over my head, and twisted swiftly into his arms. He smiled down at me, and I softly danced back into my original position. His granite eyes sparkled, the magma under the surface finally melting through. I twirled around, his hands in mine, and for a moment, we were floating through the twilight. We were just two kids without a care in the world.
Then his father’s footsteps intruded into our perfect world, and he dropped my hands. But whether he meant to or not, he had shown me his love, and it lingered in my heart like the memory of a sunny beach during a thunderstorm.
He traced my collarbone tenderly with his fingertips and murmured in my ear, “What are you thinking?”
I leaned into his warm caress, and answered quietly, “I’m thinking about dancing with you today.”
His eyes were beautiful even when they hardened. “I danced for about thirty seconds, there was no music, and nobody saw it. It doesn’t count.”
I pressed my lips firmly to his cheek before speaking. “That’s where you’re wrong, my love. Your voice was my music. Your eyes were my song. Every second was a minute in heaven, and I don’t need an audience to make our dance count.”
His eyes melted again, and he pulled himself off the couch, lifting me up with him. We were dancing, and my world was complete once again.
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140,638 Literary Works • 673,575 Reviews
Hello!
First off, I saw nothing wrong as far as I'm concerned with as far as grammar.
Next, I would just like to say, in this short piece I thought that it was very sweet, short and to the point of what a form of love should look like, and i thought that you made it very clear in the first dance and how you described it.
Well written, and very cute!
---ASH
I love this it is very beautiful and loving and you can tell that the people in this story love each other. I think you took a lot of time thinking about the words, and that was a good idea. But, I could be wrong, you could have made them flow into the page as easily as water on a beach. I love it!!!
aw what a beautiful story....... That was really good. you should write from the beginning, how they met and stuff. How they fall in love. Message me if you do! I can't wait to read more!
Hi,
Your story is very emotional and touching. I like it how you use descriptive adjectives and adverbs to show feelings. The only thing I would change - I would develop the ending. While reading I expected that something would happened.
All in all, the story is lovely.
Hi. I'm Kate. Applaud, for you've got two reviewers by the name "KATE" all in one day! Be astounded, commoner! XD
AHEM. Anyway. Off to the review. Ah... Thank you for making this conveniently short, lovvie. I'm able to review it even though I'm a bit busy with homework.
First off, don't include so much space for such a short piece. You can reformat by editing. Quick fix, no stress. I just got a little eyewarped when I read this at first, 'tis all. It's optional, anyway.
Next, content.
Hm... is it just my unrelenting stupidity or does the idea in this paragraph seem to have nothing to do with the rest of this piece? I pray it's the latter. Please tell me it's the latter. Even though I'm an idiot, it still hurts to know. D:
"M-my love...?" ((gulps audibly)) No. Cliche. No. Please, no. Eyes that are songs? Erm... I'm not sure I catch your gist...
I think you meant 'softened'.
So... there. A bit of miniature grammar slip-ups here and there, but still, a very eccentric and cute piece. I reward you with cookies.
Happy day~!
The true and original,
~Kate
...Oooor... seeing the circumstances that you have another audience named 'Kate', you can just call me by my pseudonym, Sugar. ((depressed sigh)) Anywho, I look forward to more. Toodles!
Hello, I'm Kate!
I liked how you definitely created a place where I could easily slip into what was going on, and imagine the setting well. Although, in my opinion of course, you need to work on your dialogue.
This to me was just very unbelievable. Who says, "my love"? And not to mention it was terribly cliche.
Also, you explained his eyes as granite. I would use another adjective there instead. Granite reminds me of something dark, rough, and cold.
Overall, you had great grammar and it was very sweet. I would only suggest to work on your dialogue and in that one area, work on describing carefully. Great job!
Keep writing,
Kate
Aww that was so cute! Grammar was great and well I have nothing really to say about this. It was a cute little story about cute little love birds and a cute little ending. What I din't get was the title, maybe chnag that to 'It Doesn't Count'. I honetsly thought this would end up with him breaking up with her or something of the horrbile sort but it didn't and this was cute and innocent!
~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate