Published September 19, 2011
I took a deep breath and
started walking towards the empty road
It never seems to end
broken dreams are never mend
Life seems too short at times
when we want to live more
and life seems so long when we have no one at our side
they say, that you shouldn't care what others say about you
you're the best and that's how everything is meant to be
if you are better than someone prove it and they'll see
with their mouths shut will have nothing to say out of jealousy
when i was a kid my mum said that everyone is born of a purpose
and i just say that i'll change the lives of other human beings
but now i'm realizing the truth of being born as a human
no one wants to change and no one would let you change this world
but the one thing that they can't withhold is your passion
to bring about a change, just be yourself and be proud of who you are
don't care what others say it's just to make you feel inferior
but remember if you're following your heart you're superior
trust yourself and keep on moving no one can't stop you
being born as a human and die as an angel
that'll make your journey in the life sucessful!!
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I really liked this. When I read it I was disappointed that it didn't rhyme (just personal taste) but when I got into it, I realised it just didn't need to. My favourite line was the second to last, "Being born as a human and die as an angel." I thought your punctuation could do with a bit of patching up. I also thought this line could be improved, too. Maybe "Being born as a human and dying as an angel," might have worked better (maybe that's just personal taste again). Overall - great poem!
umm...thank you for your feedback...!! and i'll keep that points in my head..!!:)
Hey, shiney1 here
What i like about this poem is the feelings I got from it. It boosts your confidence and has a good amount of spirit.
There are many things, though, that could be worked on. There were some punctuational errors and a bit of capitalization. Many of the sentences were way too long to be in a poem, that is started to sound like ramblings. It was more like you were telling us everything instead of shwing us, so it ceased to sound like a poem. You might want to put more description and less wording.
I am pressed for time rigt now, but the following lines are what I am talking about. They are showing, not telling, need more punctuation and some capitalization, too long for a poem, and are a bit "rambly."
Try to work on this poem some more. It has great potential