Young Writers Society

I, personally, liked this poem =] I liked the way it moved easily through the stanzas/paragraphs/whatever. I also liked the way you made it rhyme in parts. Small issues come in the second stanza;

The lost, the broke, the poor


Possibly (though I may be wrong) "The broken" may fit better than 'the broke' that way the line will gel with the first stanza's last line a little better.

I also had a problem with the last stanza here;


Morning, Morning
Never Morning

In the other stanza's you allowed the repetition to flow into a rhyming word that was not the same, (waiting/hating, falling/mourning) the change in word-type seems out of place to me.


All that said, I really do quite like it =D

i've had a couple of people aske what this poem is about, sorry, i should've made that clear

it defines an inward struggle of someone who is burdened with responsibility and yearns to be free and follow their own way

It's good that you've got a beat and some rhyming, which is more than I can do. However, there were a few lines that threw of the rhythm of the poem. ("The Freedom of those who don’t stay" in particular; it sounds like you had to force the rhyming and ended up with this weird, awkward, ill-fitting line.)

D'you mind if I ask what this is supposed to be about? (For some stupid reason, all I can think of is the reluctant hero of an oldschool RPG. I'm guessing that's probably not what you're on about.)

Punctuate, please please please. Poetry & Punctuation.


This was way too abstract for me to enjoy. What are you talking about? I have no clue. You're just describe some things, some things I don't care about and don't know about. This doesn't work well for poetry. Poetry [in my opinion] should make the reader feel, should tell them a story, should make them think. It has to do more than just be words in verse, it has to leave an impression on them. The only way anyone learns how to do this, is by seeing it in action. I strongly suggest you read poetry ^_~ It'll help.